Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

Thanks, imp.

After that huge fight on Wed, I was so furious and I sent an email to our mediator, cancelling our appt for Friday. I couldn't picture sitting in the room with him discussing money and schedules. H then sent the MOST condescending email to the mediator (ccing me), saying "we need to help LMG see that what she is doing is hurting the girls, not me."

That enraged me even more--because I'm not DOING anything to hurt our girls!! And the tone was so haughty. At one point he said "I have tried to use delicacy and discretion and present a neutral account of our S to our friends. But where my children are concerned, I will not sit idle."

GAG. Now he's the noble protector of the innocent wee ones and I'm the unstable, addled woman.

It's so hard, because just when I start to feel like I'm really letting go, something like this happens and all that hurt and anger overcomes me again and the DBing goes out the window.

I can't even tell anymore if I really do love H --if that's at the root of my pain--or if I am just so wounded by his IDLYA and rewritten history and frustrated because nothing I do or say has any effect on him. It's an extreme game of hard-to-get all of a sudden. He is COMPLETELY divorced from his emotions, completely cold and unresponsive and I keep hitting my head against a wall (or going down cheeseless tunnels, as it were) hoping I can penetrate. He got so angry during that fight on Wed, which was rare and oddly satisfying because--wow--he does have some emotions!

But during that argument (on the phone), he announced :"OK, this is why I'm going back inside." He meant back inside himself, his head.

So now we're at this standstill with mediation and it's up to me to restart that process. It definitely drives H crazy that I pulled out--because as he said "I don't think it's in your best interests or in the best interests of the girls."

EVERYTHING he expresses is purely logical, intellectual,--anything but emotional.Several times during these months I have done a 180 and participated in the S procedures, been friendly and cool and rational--which is what he wants. He just wants me to go along with the arrangements and not kick up a fuss. But after I do that for a while, I start to feel like a sucker.

Anyway, on it goes. I've been lax about posting on other's threads lately, though I have been trying to read them. I'm just so drained.