Wife came by to drop of the kids. I was almost dreading a conversation, thanks to the small funk my old friend accidentally put me in by asking me to go over the whole story.
I was on the phone, talking to a school board member from my former district. She was upset that I was leaving (her son wanted to have me for his AP Bio teacher in two years) and wanted me to 'shoot straight' about why I left. So, I did. Gotta say, it was nice to have a school board member call me at home to beg me to come back (not gonna happen tho...).
Got school board member off the phone. Got my head into the "act if" mode, and sonuvagun - wife was in a good mood and wanted to tell me about the comedy of errors at my oldest son's soccer practice. Apparently, youngest son had a mishap in the playground, then as she was dealing with that, she witnessed some poor little girl fly off the swings and hit her head, so she helped with that and got blood all over her hands, AND THEN she looked up to see my oldest son's coach helping him off the field. She rinsed her hands off with water and antiseptic gel and brought the youngest kid over to oldest kid's scene. All kids wound up OK, but, WOW , what a sequence. The way she told it was funny, too.
She made the point of asking me, as someone who has had bloodborne pathogen training (I used to do AIDS research), if her cleanup was adequate. I assured her that it probably was - that alcohol-based gel kills quite effectively.
She had to run, but gave me a big hug and a kiss before she left.
Weird. The old friend puts me in a funk... and the MLC wife gets me out of it?
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Another old friend from college days called (geez, I could hold a reunion) after hearing of my troubles. Her H was in my town for the summer festival, heard about my home sitch, called her b/c he was worried about me and thought she should contact me, resulting in her e-mailing and calling me.
This friend is the kind of old friend I needed. She is -and has always been- not just a caring friend, but also one of those folks who gives you the tough talk and says what needs to be said. Her H is also a great guy, but he's one of those not overly-effusive folks. He wanted to make sure I was OK, but he didn't feel "sensitive 21st century guy" enough to talk with me himself, so he had his wife do it. LOL.
She had me go through the long, sad story again, but unlike my other friend with whom I had spoken yesterday, when I described my choice to DB, she totally agreed. She and her H have been married almost as long as my wife and I, have had their ups and downs, but believe that marriage vows are forever and that once you have kids, they take top priority. It was awesome to have old friends who support DB not just because I have chosen to do it and they want to support me, but also because they believe that its philosophy is sound. She said she and her H will be in town next weekend for our friend's big bash and that they want to spend time with me hanging out. Awesome.
Mix in the fact that I have the kids for the next 3 1/2 days straight, and I'm danged chipper!
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Wow, you sure are popular! You have friends coming out of the woodwork to talk to you about your M. Are any of them talking to your w?
I think you're learning who you can confide in, which is important. Try not to talk about your M with those that think you should use another approach with your w. (But you probably already knew that!)
None of the friends that called me are or have been close to my w, except for one, and even she was my friend for years before either of us ever met my w. None of the friends have spoken to, or will speak to, my wife. Not out of nastiness, but because they were, and have always been, more "my" friends.
Yes, I'm learning in whom to confide. I'm avoiding the issue with friends who believe that I should hire a vicious shyster and attack my wife nine ways to Sunday, taking the kids and the cash. This group, unfortunately, includes my parents. They all fall into the group who feel bad for me and want my pain to end. They don't get the whole DB philosophy and think I'm being a doormat.
The people in whom I'm confiding believe in the sanctity of keeping one's vows, fighting for one's marriage (esp. when there are kids), and who agree with the DB philosophy, even though they didn't realize that it fell under the "DB" heading.
Had a great day today. Son invited his friend John over, and all of the kids played outside in the beautiful, hot weather - shooting super-soakers, swimming in the pool, playing in the yard. Fed the kids their fave for dinner - sloppy joes & waffle fries, and then when I brought John back to his parents' house, they invited my kids and I to stay to make smores. The kids, all sugared up, went off to play, and John's parents (my friend Dave and his wife) proceeded to make fun of OM. They claim that it wasn't done to make me feel better, but b/c they just don't get wife's attraction to "Barney Rubble." More than a few "Fruity Pebbles" references were made. I realized that I hadn't thought of wife or OM at all until they brought him up...which was 9:15 pm. Wow. Did I actually have a GAL day?!?
The guys in my fraternity called to inform me that we'll be playing euchre at a specific bar this Friday. I was told to brings cards and "an attitude." Between that and the party on Saturday, I'd say the GAL project is starting to kick in.
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Well, my parents called yesterday, ostensibly to see if I received the "care package" they sent me and the kids (my mom makes the best peanut butter cookies...). After my dad and I exchanged pleasantries (including congrats on my new job), he passed the phone off to mom.
She wanted an update. I worked up to discussing wife and OM. Mom surprised me by not going ballistic. She told me that she and my dad have already removed my wife from their will and removed her in the chain of beneficieries on various insurance policies that they have. Understandable. Mom also told me that even should wife & I reconcile, any $$$ sent to my "nuclear family" will go solely through/to me. Also understandable.
Anyhow, my mom said that she and my dad talked it over, did some online reading and... actually now support my efforts in DBing. Holy carp! They agree that I am doing the right thing for my family, esp. for the kids. They have agreed to support me for as long as I'm willing to DB and said that they realized that this is how they raised me - fighting for what's right and for my family. Nice.
Today I dropped off my resignation letters to my former school district. Lots of conversations with former co-workers as I went in and out.
As the kids and I were strolling down Main St., I ran into a now-former colleague (who is also job hunting) and a fraternity brother at the same time. One thing led to another, and now tomorrow night's euchre game has turned into dinner at a local tavern to be followed by a euchre TOURNEY (the # of players has increased!). Wow. I'll have to pace myself, what with another shinding on Saturday.
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Had a great night with my undergrad and younger alumni brothers. Fun time eating bar food, comparing the old and new days, and meeting new folks. Toward the end of the evening, however, the girlfriend of one of the younger alumni (a stunningly beautiful girl), pressed me on my situation, having heard about it from her boyfriend. She was sympathetic, but the telling of it drained me emotionally.
I came home and found two voicemails, one from an old friend, and the other from a close relative, checking up on me. Thankfully, it was too late to return the calls.
I feel so much stronger now more of the time, but sometimes... it hits me again. I remember that I'm... alone. I know I'll get past this tonght/this morning, but for right now... it hurts. A lot.
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
OK, in retrospect, posting at 2 am after hanging out with friends all night may not have been a great idea. Self-pity doesn't read well in the light of the next day.
Lest you think that my embarrassing post above is my normal state of mind, here's an excerpt of an e-mail I sent to an old friend of mine yesterday (I replaced my wife's name and fraternity name to keep things generic and safe in this post):
Quote:
"I've had a hell of a lot of time to ruminate on this. Don't get me wrong - I may seem stoic and analytical at this point, but I've had moments of deep, deep darkness, depression, sadness, loneliness, self-doubt, and anger. Oh lord, the anger. It has taken a long time for me to make it through to this point. I don't know exactly how I'll ever trust her -or any woman with whom I may become involved, should [my wife] and I split permanently- ever again. Trust, honor, fidelity, integrity...these are core elements of what I am and in what I believe. To have had someone in whom I had placed the totality of my love, faith, and trust do what [my wife] has done had upended all that I held dear. I'm doing as well as I am to this point thanks to my/our psychologist, the online support group to which I belong, a lot of reading, and the continued support of dear friends like you.
What has helped me make it to this point is something you said in an earlier e-mail: "Remember who you are." I spent a lot of time remembering what my parents instilled in me, what I came to believe during my formative years in [our Fraternity], what my faith has meant and still means to me, what I have accomplished academically, professionally, and personally, what I have come to mean to my friends, family, students, colleagues, etc., and I remembered who I am and what I represent. The awards on my wall, the pictures of my kids, the pictures and letters from my students, the calls from friends and family...they all helped me remember. That is the man I will continue to be, regardless of what [my wife] does or does not do. I know that I will be able to look my children in the eyes and at myself in the mirror and know that I held true and did everything I could to save my family."
On today's agenda: a heck of a shindig with live music, a pig roast, scads of "dishes to pass" side stuff, and good friends I haven't seen in a long time.
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Lots of food, several bands (of varying quality, but two of them were amazing and got cheers from me for playing two Steely Dan songs), many old friends I hadn't seen in years, and of course, adult beverages. I went easy on the last thing b/c I had to drive, but the food and music and friends gave me enough of a buzz.
Had quite a few folks give me the supportive hug, but what was nice was that, b/c everyone had heard of my home sitch, I didn't have to keep retelling it (which usually puts me into a funk). Instead, people made a point of telling me that the party was "good for what ails ye." The party was also therapeutic for a friend of mine who recently lost his stepson in an accident (sure gave *me* perspective...). We commiserated with each other and vowed to kick each other's butts if either one saw the other getting mopey. When I left the party, he was dancing his butt off, so I think he was OK.
I can't believe that I stayed out so late two nights in a row. Had a blast and loved knowing how much so many people missed seeing me and still care about me. Making some new friends was just a bonus.
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Mike, Glad to read that you've been keeping busy and yes, getting out and enjoying yourself. It always makes you feel better when you know that people do care and want to be supportive.
I would be careful about telling others about your situation. You don't want to make it any harder for your wife to return home in the future. If people ask about your situation, just tell them you and your wife have hit a bit of a rough patch and are working on the situation. Do not go into details at this time because people talk and you do want to leave the door ajar for her re-entry if she opts to do so.
