At the risk of sounding like a broken record... You are so brilliant! I love the way your brain works.
Hoping you have a lovely Saturday. I'm heading out to hang with the OM, water my flowers, going to painting class, getting a car wash, meeting a friend for a drink later tonight. I'll try to get a pic of the art posted ASAP.
xo, R
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
You guys.. are gonna get me banned. I am going to hold you responsible!!!
How oh how in the world could that happen? Would you have to walk around with a scarlet B on your chest?
"Now I feel Gump-a-licious and ready to respond to your timely post."
Shewholurks... sarcasm alert!!
You're the second person who's taken a sincere compliment as sarcasm. Tsk tsk.. accept the compliment, Woody.
"And it feels good to realize it's his issue, not mine."
You keep telling me.. it was all your fault. You did this.. you did that. Why didn't I do this. Why is he doing this to me?
Glad to see the mind has awoken! He chose this! He is in "fix" it mode. Last I checked.. his tools were broken and he needs to go stand in line at Sears. You got some Snap-On quality tools showing up. Do they feel good in your hand yet? The thing about quality tools.. sometimes it takes a while to get used to the power.
Wow.. I never thought of it that way. I can embrace my new perspective about myself. The concept of his 'fix' it mode with broken tools is one I 'get' subconsciously. But.. that's not something I have to worry about anymore as I get a feel for my new tools.
The more he tries to force what he wants to have happen, the easier it gets for me.. weird, huh? I'm recognizing 'broken' tools.
"Yep yep.. nothing like letting some time pass to allow a calmer thought process."
Its OK to think the old way.. it is going to happen. You are still getting used to everything. You are going to use the wrong tool from time to time.. they have been around.. and feel comfortable.
I'll embrace my imperfections, build on what works, dump what doesn't and do good.
"My therapist described how people can be in so much pain and so desperate to relieve it that they make bad choices just to feel relief. Call spouse earlier this week was an example of that for me."
If I could take it away.. so you could think more clearly.. I would. This is why I say you have to get it.. grab hold of it.. and use it.
It's part of the process.. eh? The more I 'get', the better I feel. The better I feel, the more I 'get'.
Ohh.. don't I feel Gumpalonian now!
"The drama and activity kept me there. The need to accept brought me here. It's all a growing experience.. no? "
You go where you want to.. people will follow. Even the slow ones that are busy!
The last one sounds like it took a lot of words to say two.
"Compulsive, excessive fixing at the cost of what I need to do is a bad thing. Helping, caring, mindful of other's boundaries (well, I'm still working on that one) is a good thing."
Amen!!
Hallelujah, brother.
"Here here. I married vowing to love him however he changed in our lifetime. He's demanding a change which ends my vow. Life goes on."
It is not the path you chose. It was the path that was chosen for you.Life is a learning process. People are put in your life for a specific purpose. You can't see far enough ahead to get where you are going. We all wish we could. Think about what you have gained from this.. and what you have lost. Life can be a trade off. What you get from that trade.. may make things better. I would not trade.. me being here.. for anything.
The path that was chosen for me was the hardest thing to accept.. because I had no choice. That left me feeling so helpless and full of guilt, lack of self worth.
With time and help and the wonder of all these people who are in my life in such a positive way, I see a horizon rather than blinders.
I'm still healing from the closed head injury from almost a year ago. When my eyes are checked they still wobble and dance when looking to the side unable to stay fixed on a moving object. It's something that takes time to heal.
At first it hurt so much I wouldn't move my eyes, or my head. I used to shift my whole body to see something. Now I can sit still and have my eyes bobble just a little.
All this learning is like that. At first is it broad simple actions that bring the least amount of pain. As it gets easier, I can use more of what's natural to me.
Now instead of focusing on how much it hurt or the trauma I went through to get here, I look for how I can heal, make myself better. It's no longer about the injury. It's about getting all of ME back!
*starts dancing around at that lightbulb moment!*
"My brother is pretty neat but not on the market."
Lots of hearts breaking tonight... not mine!
I'll let him know the fan club he has!
"I'm looking forward to starting once all the paperwork is in place. We'll see how neat it is."
Don't let Work bring you down..
Paperwork for the volunteering is a good thing.. not work, but progress.
Embracing my Snap Ons means finishing the Financial Affidavit!
"Thank you oh giver of time and caring. I do appreciate your friendship and words of encouragement and perceptions."
No Words.
I see your actions.
Consider accepting the compliment, Woody, otherwise it seems you're rejecting something that's give from the heart.
When spouse said he was miserable, wanted to live his own life and promptly left to an undisclosed location..
I didn't think I could live without him. I didn't believe this was happening. I felt he was on his own journey. I wondered where I was when all these decisions were being made. I figured my closed head injury was the last straw for him. I gave him space. I told him our family, our marriage, my relationship with him was my passion. I was afraid of divorce, what it meant. I couldn't think of living alone. His words cut me to the quick, destroyed me. I realized you don't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be there. He was on his own journey. I believed he would come back. It was all my fault.
When I heard the rumor about his leaving me to live with his girlfriend, his calls and confrontation to 'tell me what's going on'..
I realized he was lying to me. I never realized how full of bullsh*t he was. I realized how he used manipulation, threats and anger to try to get his way. I thought he would come back. I thought it was a revenge affair. I was appalled at how little time he spent with his kids. It was all my fault.
When he emailed me while I was away that he told the kids he was 'dating' someone
It was like being hit with a ton of bricks. That's when I felt anger, hurt, betrayal, emotions surging. I made the mistake of telling the kids he was living with her and had been involved with her while married. It came back to bite me in the @ss. I was no longer his wife. I believed he would come back to me. It was still mostly my fault. The thought of divorce shattered me. Losing the security of marriage shattered me. Issues from childhood surged forth. I would still accept him if he came back.
Now that he's ramping up his efforts to move the divorce along
I'm done with the 'spouse show' Each negative action he does reveals more of how he works. I want a firm plan for my financial future without him. My focus is on myself and my children. His issues are his, not mine to be affected by. I choose my own happiness, misery. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Change is good, liberating. I'm finding my own legs. My horizons are expanding. I don't have to be 'stuck' to meet the needs of others. I can live someplace else. My current home reflects what he wanted. I can create a new home. It took two to get here. I'm learning what I need to be a healthy person and make good choices. I'm learning what I need in a relationship. I'm worth what I need. Asking for help, receiving help, trusting and placing a higher value on respect are all good things. No one is perfect. I can be direct.
Big changes. Surprising changes. I'm becoming me again... only better.
It is EXQUISITELY beautiful watching a butterfly emerge from her cocoon, spread her wings, & FLY !!!! What a privilege it is to know you & be privy to your journey.
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
In a few months, you won't be telling us or you, what you can do and will do and could do, you will reporting what you did already... Isn't it great how time actually works FOR us while all along time was seen as a source of pain. We could only see "time appart". Everything measured and felt through those horrible glasses... Time does heal. I am so thankful. There is so much wisedom in this world and we are driving ourselves crazy (with a little help from our Spouses, Xs and current, hopefully not future, LOL!!). I am happy for you (see? I can't stop smiling even if I wanted to, my friends keep giving me reasons to...) L&xxx K
Gypsy - you are amazing in your understanding of yourself, your sitch, and in your plans for dealing with it. I am just sorry you have to suffer the pain of having to deal with it. Thanks again for letting me bend your ear and helping me organize my thoughts. It means a lot to me.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
