PH, I will check out the links you mentioned. As for the finances, right now they aren't good, and I would have to make changes to manage without his income--maybe sell the house, which we've lived in our whole married life--but I think I could manage somehow or other. It would definitely be a nail-biting situation, though. I am doing my best to improve the finances as much as I can, although I won't put any of my income into the joint account, because I'm not willing to have my hard work go to fund his affair.
Yes, my H is very confused. I have a little bit of insight into his MLC mindset from my (married) friend who is in love with her teacher; she is definitely in MLC but will actually talk to me and I don't have to worry that she is lying, unlike discussions with my H. She has some ideas firmly stuck in her head that are *totally* alien-inspired that she canNOT be talked out of, like the "fact" that it is okay for her to leave her marriage for this other man because she dreamed about him when she was a child, and she never felt entirely married to her current H because he wasn't her ideal, but her OM is. She is very religious, and I can't even get through to her via that approach. She just keeps sliding around every objection to her entitlement mindset. (Her OM eventually broke off the romantic element of their relationship and told her it was never going to happen, and got really cold to her, and she's still devastated and won't let go of it, more than a year later. If he hadn't called it quits with her, there would be an even bigger mess than there already is.)
Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on about my friend, but listening to her warped MLC ideas and seeing how impossible it is to talk her out of them (much as I love her) helps me understand my H a little.
No, H doesn't seem ready to leave me. If he were, I think he would have done it already. He's like an icicle to me, though, and I don't know what he's waiting for (he says he's waiting for "a sign" about what he should do--despite having said back in November that he "didn't know if he believed in God any more" and "even if he did, he wasn't sure he cared what God thought"). I'd say he's waiting on finances to permit his moving out, if it weren't for a comment he made during the "bomb" discussion about how he would rather be broke and happy than better off financially but in a miserable situation (and he was referring to the possibility of moving out when he made that comment, so it's not out of context). I also think he's a little embarrassed about what he's up to and about the state of our marriage, although he may not even realize it himself, and that's part of what keeps him putting on his wedding ring and holds him back from moving out--if he moved out, he would actually have to admit to everyone what's going on, although I'm sure he would figure out a way to blame me.
I know OW is putting at least a little pressure on him to move out--I saw e-mails they had exchanged when H accidentally left his private e-mail open. She was saying things like "It doesn't really make sense to talk about me getting a job in [city where H and I live] or moving there as long as you're living with her" and "I've been fantasizing for months and months about packing up and moving to [city where H and I live] to live with you." H was responding with, "This situation won't last forever," (the implication being, "Just be patient," although he didn't actually say "I'll move out eventually and then we can be together," although that might have been understood if it had already been discussed).
Karen, you're dead on about H's take on my changes and being afraid they are temporary. He keeps talking about how we were in more or less this same place six or seven years ago, and even after MC, IC for both of us, and ADs for me, all for about three years after I found out about his first EA, we're right back where we started; he keeps pointing out that in 6 years, he will be 50, and he doesn't want to be still/back in this same boat at that age. He said to me once, something along the lines of, "Even if I do decide to try to make things work with you again, how do I know you won't kill yourself, or get drowned in depression again?" I REALLY wanted to say, "How do I know you won't cheat on me again?" But I held my tongue.
Think that's enough for now. From what you all are telling me, I'm starting to think maybe it's best not to force him to make a choice right now after all. I still need to finish reading the Dobson book and especially talk with my DB coach. She always gives me hope and clarity.
Thanks to all who have posted, and hope you are doing well!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
