Good man. Sheez, you sound like you are really on target RTL. You sound soooo much different than you did when you started here. I'm so glad you feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Your therapist is right that you should be careful. These situations act like slinkies sometimes. Push/pull, pursue/distance. There's no telling what she's really going to do long term. But it sounds like you are grounded and solid and level headed about it all.
Good. all good!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I am doing much better and I'm getting better at staying off the roller coaster. I'm pleased to know there probably isn't another man around, but I'm also very wary about getting my hopes up too high.
In an ideal world, we would sell the house for a decent price, split up our assets and get in separate living spaces. Then W would ask me to hold off on signing the papers so we can begin to work on us. However, I'm not sure how realistic that is and I'd love to not get a D, but I'm still thinking this is a marriage that may have to be pieced together after we're divorced. However, if the D does go through, all bets are then off for us both.
I guess that is the part I don't like to think about. At least now, we're still technically tied to each other a bit. I do like the feeling that OM is gone and she's burned out on dating. I can only hope that will make her life w/ me seem that much better in time.
But, for now, the focus is on me and that is where it needs to stay. I'm doing ok, except for the golfing part, which I haven't been doing regularly much to my chagrin. However, I am exercising and trying to figure out how to eat correctly now that I'm on my own. That part is still a big challenge.
I've ordered some nutrition books designed for men and once they arrive, I'll be going through and throwing out all the stuff in my fridge and cabinets that don't match up and then starting from scratch. If the bad-for-you, tempting things are gone, then I'll stand a better chance of eating correctly.
How about you? How is your sitch, my friend? Your last thread is locked. Are you going to start a new one? Let me know when you do, or as always, you are free to e-mail or call to touch base.
Talk to you soon and thanks for popping by, as usual.
I agree you should be cautious but there is a clear change in your W's attitude and since you are aware and expect anything, you should be able to enjoy the change anyway. At least she is not making it harder for you.
They say that in some cases, the D is necessary before you can start a meaningful R again. You never know what life will bring you, stay positive and smart, Love K
just checking up on you. Don't throw too much out of your fridge - food can get expensive!
Guess what, it has more to do with HOW you exercise than what you eat. And intensity doesn't matter either - length of time is more important.
And eating correctly? No big deal - grains, veggies. Go easy on the meat but have enough protein (beans if no meat). Eat a good breakfast to get your metabolism going. Have a lighter dinner. Make sure you eat dark greens as well as leafy greens. I've been getting into kale lately, so I'll usually make rotini pasta with kale, broccoli, onion, garlic, jalapeno, mushroom, red peppers, sesame seeds, dash of soy sauce, turkey sausage, sometimes green beans - you get the idea.
you sound pretty positive - hope you're doing okay! lodo
Hey everyone. I've been unable to post lately as my father is in town and I also have my D. They are both in bed now, so I thought I'd catch you all up.
As expected, W flip-flopped several times again. She is truly interesting to pay attention to these days and her actions do force me to stay very, very guarded. Well, first of all, on Wednesday, when my father arrived, she asked me about some potential committments at work in the fall, and I told her, I didn't know my plans as of yet. I also told her I'd resigned as the head of the social studies department, so I may not have to do as much this year.
She was very curious and asked me why and I told her I have more important things to spend my time on. Well, this pissed her off as she replied w/ "Now you see this? I am done." I responded by telling her this whole process has opened my eyes and I see things differently than I did before. Her response: "Too late." I let that one go.
Later that night, she offered me to have my D for an extra day, so I took it. The plan was for D to go to her old daycare to see some friends and I'd pick her up late to allow her the most time. I thanked her for the extra time offer and looked forward to Friday w/ my D.
Well, I picked up D at closing time (6 pm) and we all went out to sushi (D's choice). Shortly after 6 W sent a text berating me for having priorities other than my D as she said daycare called her frantically asking if anyone was going to pick up D. W accused me of golfing instead of getting D and of putting her low on my priority list. She even did the old "you will NEVER change."
So, I replied telling her I thought we'd agreed to let D stay as late as possible to play and that I had picked her up at 6, so I have no idea why they would have called her. Of course, W didn't reply.
W then sent another text accusing me of not answering my phone so she could talk w/ D. I had D call her after dinner and then sent a text to W later in the evening telling her our dog was pretty depressed b/c he has to wear a cone on his head to avoid biting out his stitches.
Nothing more came from her on Friday and yesterday was pretty tame. We were at Chuck E. Cheese's when W called for D. D didn't want to talk then, so I talked briefly to W about the dog and his cone issues. W was cold and distant, and I just let it ride. D did call her later and also left a message for her around 7:30 or so. We came home, did the night time stuff and turned in. I receive a text from W at 11:30 saying "hope D is ok." What is that about?
Oh, well. I'll see what she has to offer up today. We'll be at the Diamondbacks' game this afternoon and then we'll grill steaks for dinner. Nothing else major is planned but I'm still curious as to what part of W will surface today.
Yes, she's been coming closer, but she's still so wildly inconsistent, that its waaaaaay too soon to start to think she's having a complete change of heart. So, still guarded, but curious as to what may come next.
Talk to you later. RTL PS - Lodo, I've heard I need 30 minutes or more of cardio to lose weight correctly. Is that correct?
" I receive a text from W at 11:30 saying "hope D is ok." What is that about?"
Sounds like she just wanted to make contact - missed D.
Poor dog! Those cones are pretty funny.
Re: exercise, I think it takes 20 mins of aerobic before your body is "warmed up" so to speak. It's most efficient at 30 mins and starts utilizing stored energy - i.e. breaking down fat. So the key is consistency and length rather than intensity. You will also be using protein, which is what maintains muscle, but as long as you're balancing aerobic exercise with muscle-building exercise, you'll balance out. So I swim for 40 mins 3x a week for tone & muscle, and run for 40 - 60 mins 3x a week for aerobic. I should be doing some weights, too, but haven't started yet.
And of course you need to be eating correctly - whole grains, veggies, modest protein source - and most importantly, staying hydrated. All bodies are different so you just need to get in touch with how yours works best. You'll know when you find the right balance - you'll just feel totally energized.
Continue to focus on you. I haven't seen anything from her worth taking back yet....have you? All she has is snidely comments about what hasn't changed about you. You have made the changes, you aren't doing anything wrong, she's just trying to tear you down. I was divorced for 4-5 years or so and remarried and my ex still said something about "not changing" or "I'm reminded why I divorced you". My bottom line is don't hold your breath waiting for her to come around....it could be awhile (or not at all). She'll make a big leap your way if she's interested...she won't make it hard for you to decipher. Since she still has self-work to do...what's your hurry? You can afford to just float along for awhile and forget about her for a bit. Keep reminding yourself when she makes little snippy comments that it isn't you that has to win her back....it's her needing to win you back. Making comments like that I hope isn't your thing. Be confident. Strut your stuff. Remember you aren't desperate for her. Then you won't necessarily even have to think about her mean comments or what they mean to you....the only words that count from her are "I'm sorry. I never should have left. yada yada".
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Lodo - Thanks for the nutrition info. I'm working on eating correctly as that, along w/ the exercise, are the most difficult things to do. My problem has been the extra snacking which only makes my struggle worse.
Phoenixdeux - Once again your post was timely to remind me of where my focus and perspective should be. You are correct, she has to win me back - not the other way around. She also hasn't done anything to get me overly optimistic to date, so I need to shift focus on to myself for sure. If I'm moving well, then it won't matter if she comes back or not. Also, if I'm confident w/out her, I'll be more attractive to her. So, that is what I've got to do.
I've still got my dad and D, so I've got to be brief in my recap.
Yesterday was our 8-year wedding anniversary, but I honestly was thinking the 21st was today, so I didn't think too much about it. We took D to Big Surf and played in the wave pool and water slides for 3 1/2 hours. D had a blast and was asleep quickly last night.
D did talk w/ W and then called W's sister as the 21st is W's sister's birthday. Again, I didn't have D call as I thought the date was the 20th, so I'm sure that didn't make W too happy. Oh, well.
W and I did trade texts a few days ago where she mentioned that she really loves my father and would like to see him. She also said that her feelings for him and my step mother have made this D decision very difficult for her. Maybe this will be something that causes her to do a double-take or maybe not. As usual, only time will tell.
As for me, I'm tired and have a headache today. Not sure why, but I've got one. My father and I will drop off D this afternoon and then we may go back downtown for another D-Backs game where we can actually sit and talk this time as opposed to Sunday where I spent most of my time following D around the stadium.
Hey, I've got to run, but I'll be able to catch up w/ everyone's threads either tomorrow night or during the day on Thursday.
Talk to you all soon and I'll update when I can and if there is anything interesting to report.
Hey RTL, I was watching the British Grand Prix a couple weeks back. Formula 1 is the top auto racing series in the world. Teams spend hundreds of millions of dollars just to field a couple cars for a single year. The drivers are all paid millions. They are also all young - some of them as young as 21 years old.
The one thing I notice about these drivers is their extreme tolerance level for stress. They can totally keep cool under pressure. There were some really heavy moments in the British Grand Prix - heavy rain and poor visibility. And the guy who won said this was his mantra to himself during the race - "just keep cool, keep cool."
keep cool, man!
about Ph2's comment - I liked the gist of it, except I have to differ with the last part: the only words that count from her are "I'm sorry. I never should have left. yada yada". I'm not so sure you should count on that. If you read the DR book, it does mention that their return is not always accompanied by this kind of talk. It doesn't mean they don't believe it. I guess what I am saying is, don't let Pride get in the way of reconciliation. Like I said, I agree with the sentiment that she has to win you back. There is such a thing as being too hard-to-get.
On the fitness thing - If you want to lose weight, what you are really need to do is burn more calories than you consume. There are shortcuts to doing this - like, fast for 4 days - and there is the long-term approach, which is, include more activity into your daily life, and be more thoughtful about what you consume.
It sounds simple and it is, in theory, but hard to stick with. What I found helpful was to have a goal - like running a 45 minute 10k, or running a sub 3-hour marathon. That gives you something to shoot for, something that pulls you out of bed in the morning to workout.
I'd advise you to get a recent book on cardio training. One that I can recommend is The Ultimate Ride by Chris Carmichael, but it is heavily oriented toward cycling.
There have been some significant advances in CV training theory in recent years - much of it centered on heart rate as an metric to monitor during workouts. I found the heart rate workout theory to be really helpful too, if only because it gave me another thing to watch and measure during my workouts. It also helped me stick with the program, because contrary to what we might think, a "good workout" is not always the most strenuous. It's better to exercise at an elevated heart rate (say 80% of max), than an extreme HR. Over time, the extreme HR will tear you down and wear you out, and you'll give up on the workouts sooner. The "right" heart rate is sustainable over the full workout, and also sustainable in the long term.
Last thing - having a training buddy works wonders, too. Just someone to workout with every day or every other day, etc.
I think its unfair that your W continues to be verbally abusive to you by text message!!! She is still very angry it feels to me. Her response "too late" was a good example. Well, hello, Mrs RTL...so your H woke up and got a clue and stopped working so hard, well good for him! THats great! Thats a positive thing if he is realigning his priorities.. yes its 'too late' - too late for you as you left him, but not too late for him, or his R with his D, or any future R he may have with an OW !!! Why cant she see that? She sounds very arrogant right now (or just angry). She makes me mad! She already left you, why does she continue to send you nasty emails????
I dont know what you can do about that. Did your DB coach suggest anything? There were so many positives a few days back too.
There are eclipses coming up which may affect your sitch (Lunar - 1st Aug and Solar - 16th Aug), because I remember she asked for a D (??) on the last eclipses in Feb.
Glad to hear you sounding good though! Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
