Confused and Bewildered

[7 Year Itch]

Thanks so much Changed! I needed to hear that.

Well, I'm not sure what will result, but he isn't that upset. He was really out of it that night when I called (I had woken him up), and I was sobbing like a maniac because I felt so awful about it all. He ended up being more worried about me, and actually talked to my best friend about it the other day because of how upset about it I was.

So we talked yesterday during the day, and he said "I'm not even that upset that you have access, because I know there isn't anything in there bad for you to see"... then I apologized profusely again. So then I brought up the response he had sent to my friends email. I asked him if he really hadn't felt anything had been different the last several days. HE said I was reading way too much into things. That the icecream invite was because D6 asked, and it wasn't anything big. That the sex had been nice, but just sex. That yes, he puckered up his lips to kiss me back but what else was he going to do....blah blah blah. I reminded him that I had tried to kiss him several times over the last 3 1/2 months and he NEVER kissed back until the other night. Anyway......... he just proceeded to knock down every bit of hope I had.

So then last night he came and got the girls to go out to dinner. He called me before hand to tell me he was taking them out for dinner and a playdate. So then I said."are you trying to avoid seeing me?" (because his week night visits are ALWAYS here at the house) and he said. "I guess, sort of. I just think for today we need to stop discussing things". Then he said that we'd be able to talk after he brought them home and got them to bed.

So he got them to bed ,came in my room and we proceeded to talk. I asked if he hated me, and he said no. Then after a long pause of like 5 minutes that felt like 20, I finally said " did I just ruin everything?" to which he said."no". Then I said..... well, I feel like I had about a 1% chance before of saving this marriage with you ,and now after the email fiasco it's probably 0%. To which he said......"you can't think of it like that. You can't think in percentages and stuff."

So really ,I have no idea what he was saying. But didn't want to keep big talk going so didn't really ask for clarification. So when I asked if I ruined everything, I meant, ruined any chance for us. I hope THAT is what he was answering No to.

But he told me like he had told my friend that nothing has changed, he feels nothing still. So why has he not filed? Is it just he hasn't had a chance with his work schedule, is he confused, is he trying to delay only for me??

God, I just want him to get in this fight with me. Why don't they see that. Just GET in the FIGHT!

He's working a big music festival this weekend, so no overnights for the girls this weekend (yay!). So we won't see him until Monday. He'll come out early, and then I go to my first visit with the new counselor I'm trying on Monday.

He did make a comment to me during our talking yesterday on the phone though where he basically said, that I need to stop doing everything for HIM and with the though of trying to save us. That I need to start thinking about myself and the girls. That this isn't healthy etc. Which I sort of get, I mean that is the point of GAL etc, but at the same time, I told him.... "This fight IS as much for me as it is for you, and for this marraige. I would NOT be being true to my values, my ideals, my vows I made to you, and to God if I dropped this fight. So while yes the end result I would pray would be for us to be reunited, this fight and journey is as MUCH about me as it is about you".

I was honestly a bit surprised that he viewed so much that everything right now revolves around him. I mean, honestly........ it does. Not a minute during my day goes by without thinking about this mess. I'm heartbroken, but I guess I'm not keeping much of a poker face. I need to get more GALing going on I guess.

I just don't know where to go from here. LRT, Dark, give up.......what? His actions are just so confusing to me right now.

Chris