Meeting WAS for first time. Any advice?

[MaxP]

Thank you Christa and Trixi. It's so great to have the support. I really, really appreciate it.

Well, unsurprisingly I can't sleep - but it's a beautiful dawn here, so there is some compensation. For once it looks like it might be a nice day weather wise, about time too!

I know that I will feel down for a few days, 'let down' is a good way of describing things. Trixi, you are right, it will take some time for me to process what I feel. In terms of clarification, it has provided some answers. I didn't once feel angry at her, which I really thought I might. It's brought back the feeling of how could we have let this happened? How stupid I was for dithering about things so much before the bomb and not letting her know how important she was to me and how committed I was. It's made me think that perhaps I stopped involving her in things and that started cutting her off. Most of all it makes me think how sad all this is, for both of us.

Do I want to see her again? Yes, quite clearly. So there's another answer. However, I'm very scared of the feeling that this will stay with me for a long time and be my life's big regret.

I think it's made me realise that I feel lonely, but in some ways that I want to be alone. Also, that I'm not doing enough to reconnect to people. I kept saying 'oh I haven't spoken to X for a long time but mean to', where as she has seen X, Y and Z.

We spoke a bit about my plans to emigrate to New Zealand. She's booked flights for a holiday there in November and will be seeing our friends. That's the point where I felt most down in our conversation. Divergent lives. Gosh, just typing that's made me feel really, really sad and upset. Wow. Emotions are crazy things.

I still think it's strange she see us as being so incompatible. I guess that's what she believes. She never once mentioned being in a relationship or saying something to indicate that she was, but I can't believe somehow that she isn't. I just can't see that that isn't the case. It's simply that it would not have been a good thing to have brought up. Gosh, who knows.

I definitely think that not seeing each other for so long has helped me and therefore a future friendship too. Whether it has hampered the idea of 'us' I don't know. I sometimes wonder whether she called it a day because I didn't fight for her. Was that the problem all along? She can just be so stubborn that I accept what I see and hear as fact. I was also very angry with her and didn't know what to do. Sometimes you just try as hard as possible to protect yourself. Everything centres on that.

I still have no indication of how this affects her. How seeing me will affect her. She always seems so together and gives nothing away. I still can't read her (a lesson for all WAWs), yet I can read most other people reasonably well. Is she happy? I think so. Has she moved on? Probably. It must be a good sign that she has said it's ok to do this again if I want.

Have I moved on? Well, I've moved somewhere - whether it is 'on', I'm not so sure. In some ways I've moved further than I expected, but in others far less so. I haven't let go of the past yet though. That much is clear. Where am I? Who knows!