Really upside down #2

[upside_downer]

Well Bill, you are right. The ex BF has to be something I need to get over. How to do it will be challenging, because due to my snooping, I know he is active in certain things. I poked around asking questions about what she did last night, etc. She said she went to a bar to see a person play guitar with her cousin and a couple people. I asked who else went she said "no one you would know." No mention of the ex BF.

That was disappointing. I even went so far as to ask if she's seen him lately (among a couple of other people just so it wouldn't sound like I was asking only about him) and she said "I see him every once in a while cuz he hangs out with his kid."

I need to get over this but it's so hard because she is lying to me. She even said at dinner that she still has a hard time telling me things.

That is why I need to make this one of my goals: Get the W to open up to me and admit when she is hanging with certain people. Get W to open up- period.

Dinner was good. I'm still failing though because I get drawn into the R talk. We talked about the house she asked if I liked coming home to an empty house. I said I don't spend a lot of time there. She said she was surprised because she would spend time alone, and does, at her apt. I told her it was different because she has an apt. with no attachments and all new stuff. I said "I'm living in a house with ghosts"

That probably wasn't the best way to put it.

We had a long dinner and laughed about some things, but I still feel total awkwardness on her part. I know I'm mostly the reason because I am having such a hard time being upbeat. I'm acting happy when I speak and such, but I can't help but be quiet and have no expression on my face sometimes.

I tortured myself a little, too. She said "what do you want to do now?" when we got home, so we sat in the dark at the kitchen table (W likes very low light, brightness bothers her eyes). I offered a backrub and she said she couldn't refuse a backrub from anyone. I gave her a long one and it was so nice to feel her skin. I wanted to melt into it.

I admitted too many things, too. Like I miss her and miss her sleeping in the bed.

I'm so sloppy....I need to fall in line here.