........ people think they are DBing when all they are doing is standing no matter what. Now this isn't to say that standing for you marriage is a bad thing. The problem is that it becomes the be all and end all. As you said:
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refusing to do the hard work on themselves, refusing to acknowledge that maybe they are a seperate entity from their marriage
And that really isn't DBing because DBing goes beyond the marriage. All you have to do is look at the table of contents to DB.
Chapter 4 - Change your marriage by changing yourself Chapter 5 - identify patterns that work Chapter 6 - breaking the habit - interrupting destructive patterns Chapter 7 - make yourself happy for a change
Obviously, there is a lot of work to do. And chapter 7 always told me not to get lost in my endeavors to save my marriage. And the earlier chapter made me examine my role in the marital difficulties. I don't see one chapter that says wait for your spouse and do nothing. I would add don;t delude yourself into thinking you are doing something either. It is easy to do. I did it. Most of the people I know from here did it at one point. But you do have to try things and keep trying. It isn't as if the right thing is just going to happen.
One of the worst thing that happened to this board, in my opinion and the people with whom I started on this board, is the posting of the stages of MLC. What this did was totally change the focus from one's self to paying attention to every single move the WA/MLC spouse did. And a big problem with MLC is that so many of the symptoms can merely apply to someone who wants to change their life.
I always thought DB was merely a self-help book which was geared towards the nuances of a marriage in trouble (and I have used the principles in other relationships - mainly work). I know when I would come and say what my former Mrs was doing, invariably my fellow DBers would say something along the lines of you can't control someone else. This was followed by what are your goals, and they didn't mean getting my wife to hug me because she did that even after she divorced me. It was about becoming a better person and to paraphrase you, you can't become better when you have lost yourself.
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there is a difference between strength and fear
Absolutely. When a bomb is dropped your world has fallen apart. You are not strong and you fear the unknown. What was a nice little cocoon has now been shattered and the butterfly is dead. And it is understandable. But the thing is at a certain point you do have to see what work you need.
When you try to change, it is not easy. I have no problem that I still have things to change about myself from before I ever thought about the bomb. As one of my Cs said - you have been a certain way for a long time, it will take a long time to change. And a funny thing happens too. Some of the things you thought you should change are really parts of yourself that you like. Admittedly, finding out that your spouse is schtupping someone else has that effect on a person.
IMP
This is an amazing post and worth its own thread.
Last edited by sgctxok; 07/18/0811:33 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
This is exactly what I needed to read today (thanks Tipper for pointing it out). Two years ago today I discovered my H's A. Two years ago my "perfect" little world was smashed to pieces.
Last night I took a long hard look at my life and really saw that for the past two years I have been holding on, holding on, holding on to something that doesn't exist anymore. I thought I was DBing, and to some extent I have been, but I have not really moved forward w/ my life. Two years and I am in the same place I was then wrt to my marriage - hoping H will simply wake up and come home. But in two years very little has changed in my M, H is no closer to coming home, in fact he appears to be just as deep in the fog as ever (though I really have no way of knowing).
Yes I have made changes to me, many, many, many changes. But I have NOT been living my life as if H is not coming back. I didn't want to, it was too scary to even imagine life w/out my H - he has been a part of my life FOREVER. So the changes I have been making, though good for me, have been done w/ H always in the back of my mind.
So today, on my most terrible anniversary, I am celebrating myself, I am trying to think about what the future holds for ME, I am trying to think about the changes I want to make in my life for ME and my D. I am going to try to let go completely. It is still very scary and I know I will fall down many more times. But I will really try to make today the first day of My New Life, and see where it will take me. To be honest, I am terrified...
Thank you IMP.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
Happy Anniversary to you as well fooled, and congratulations on taking that all important step towards a new life. Imps post should be a manadory read but I think will be overlooked by the very people who need to read it. Yes a new life is scary but think of the rewards. Standing can be another word for stagnating I am afraid and for some it's easier to be the victim than taking any steps to move on so once again Congratulations.
DBing is about changing your actions to change your relationship. It's NOT about reacting to every little thing your spouse does. You set goals, and work to meet your goals.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
While standing we are not supposed to be stagnant. We are supposed to pull closer to God and make the changes in our lives and selves that help us to become closer to Him. We read God's Word and apply His Word to our lives which creates changes within us. Those are positive changes which will enhance our marriages when our spouses come home. Naturally there are some people who will find the need to make more changes than others but the primary goal is that we learn to trust God with our problems. We learn to be forgiving, understanding, caring, love unconditionally. We learn to apply God's priniciples of how a wife or husband should be and how a house should be kept, how children should be raised and finances run according to God's Word. We learn to help others in need and NOT to create an idol of our marriage restoration.
Then we get to that place we are stronger and we no longer let the fluctuations in our spouses make us upset because we are trusting God to handle it. We are happier people and God's love glows from within us. Our spouses' see that transformation and are drawn back home because they become attracted to the peace, serenity, and love they find in their spouse they walked away from. They are curious and want that same peace, serenity and love that they have not found when they look around at this new path they took.
Standing is NOT supposed to mean stand still and do nothing, it means to stand on the Rock of Jesus Christ. Trusting God for restoration while we make the necessary changes God wants us to make to draw closer to Him.
You are right on the money...thank God for people like you in here who are truly standing with God for marriage restoration...
I thought I would never be where I am today... God has supernaturally transformed me from 9 months ago. I never thought I would ever get this far. But because I have been walking closer to him I have gotten to this place in my life when I depend on him for everything.
Especially the peace that comes from him into my heart everytime I cry out to him.Knowing that he is always going to be there for me and my daughter.
If you would of told me 9 months ago I would be giving God all the honor praise and glory for all the pain and heartache in my life at that time I would of told you that you were crazy.
But I can truly say now that yes I still have times when I still cry and I cry from my heart and soul but I know that he is hearing me.I just wish and pray that everyone in here would feel that way because there is no other way but to live with Christ.
I have come such a long way with God by my side and yes I can truly give him all praise even when times seem hopeless and the pain is never ending but I know without a doubt God is just on the other side of that mountain working on our behalf. Praise be to God almighty..
M-53 H-46 M-24+YRS BOMB-10/14/07 2-S 2-D Grandkids-7 Greatgrand kid-1 He needs space... Wants to start fresh new life W O/W Moved in his O/W Oct.08
This got me thinking about the work I've done on myself.
I guess it is easy to hide behind "stages" of MLC. With that said, though, even Michelle's book devotes a discussion to this, and maybe it is worth considering that yes, it is possible that it is a life stage and it is possible that spouses are going through things with it?
Frankly, I found the MLC discussion helpful because I have been able to take H's crisis (and I do believe he is having a crisis) less seriously in terms of his nastinesses. Most people have told me to give up on him. it is easier to have some empathy thinking of him in a crisis.
I've also found some strength in noticing the chaos of spouses coming and going...and IF there is a chance of reconciling, I see the value of working slowly.
So there are many truths here.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
"Most people have told me to give up on him. It is easier to have some empathy thinking of him in a crisis."
Totally!
We know something is not right with our spouses. We know them better than anyone else. All others see is what our spouss have done to us and they project that onto themselves, how they would feel and react if it happened to them. Thus, their advice.
Of course they do not love our spouses as we do and therefore respond from a purely self-centered position. I say this because they often omit consideration for the children who are often involved.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres."
1 Corinthians 13 4-7
Got love?
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
So the changes I have been making, though good for me, have been done w/ H always in the back of my mind.
There is nothing wrong with making changes to things which were destructive in your relations. That's one of the chapters. On the flip side, one can make changes with the spouse in the back of the mind and they may not be the changes which will restore the marriage. We just have to remember that there is more to life than that.
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I am going to try to let go completely. It is still very scary and I know I will fall down many more times. But I will really try to make today the first day of My New Life, and see where it will take me. To be honest, I am terrified...
It's ok to be terrified. We all fall down. Funny how being a human being will do that to us. But it is better to keep trying and to fail a few times than to never try. I have a theory. This came to me right after my bomb and before I ever heard of Divorce Busting. It goes like this. The changes I need to make to save my marriage are the same changes I need to make if my marriage is not saved. Also, one not only has to understand the destructive pattern, but one has to have a persona outside of a marriage or any relationship for that matter. This fits with the chapter which tells us to make ourselves happy for a change. Because if your whole person is defined by your marriage, or any relationship for that matter, you are not a successful person.
Good luck in your quest to find yourself, fooled again. It all starts with the decision to do so.
