When spouse said he was miserable, wanted to live his own life and promptly left to an undisclosed location..
I didn't think I could live without him. I didn't believe this was happening. I felt he was on his own journey. I wondered where I was when all these decisions were being made. I figured my closed head injury was the last straw for him. I gave him space. I told him our family, our marriage, my relationship with him was my passion. I was afraid of divorce, what it meant. I couldn't think of living alone. His words cut me to the quick, destroyed me. I realized you don't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be there. He was on his own journey. I believed he would come back. It was all my fault.
When I heard the rumor about his leaving me to live with his girlfriend, his calls and confrontation to 'tell me what's going on'..
I realized he was lying to me. I never realized how full of bullsh*t he was. I realized how he used manipulation, threats and anger to try to get his way. I thought he would come back. I thought it was a revenge affair. I was appalled at how little time he spent with his kids. It was all my fault.
When he emailed me while I was away that he told the kids he was 'dating' someone
It was like being hit with a ton of bricks. That's when I felt anger, hurt, betrayal, emotions surging. I made the mistake of telling the kids he was living with her and had been involved with her while married. It came back to bite me in the @ss. I was no longer his wife. I believed he would come back to me. It was still mostly my fault. The thought of divorce shattered me. Losing the security of marriage shattered me. Issues from childhood surged forth. I would still accept him if he came back.
Now that he's ramping up his efforts to move the divorce along
I'm done with the 'spouse show' Each negative action he does reveals more of how he works. I want a firm plan for my financial future without him. My focus is on myself and my children. His issues are his, not mine to be affected by. I choose my own happiness, misery. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Change is good, liberating. I'm finding my own legs. My horizons are expanding. I don't have to be 'stuck' to meet the needs of others. I can live someplace else. My current home reflects what he wanted. I can create a new home. It took two to get here. I'm learning what I need to be a healthy person and make good choices. I'm learning what I need in a relationship. I'm worth what I need. Asking for help, receiving help, trusting and placing a higher value on respect are all good things. No one is perfect. I can be direct.
Big changes. Surprising changes. I'm becoming me again... only better.
