Is it true?

[stella_k]

Thank you, dear friends :)!

Unfortunately, H didn't see the message.

A little more drama.

I really had something important to tell him and it was my excuse to try and call him 15 min ago. He wasn't at home. I called his cell. He answered in a familiar muffled voice. I asked: are you where I think you are?
He said: no. Ridiculous!
Me: Are you going to come home tonight?
H: Yes, but late.
Me: How late?
H: Around 12. Why?
Me: I need to talk to you (in a rather cold voice, couldn't help it).
H: Should I call you?
Me: Yes.
H: ok, I will call.

There we are, then. The question: Do I still have to give him space? Now that he has oficially expressed his desire to work on M and chose me over OW, do I have to put up with his visitations of Spider?

How should I talk to him?

I guess I know the answer but I still want second (third, etc) opinion!

[poet]

Hi Stella,

You are in my prayers, girlfriend. You are doing what I was doing when it was NOT working. My best advice is to keep a low key, not only in actions, but also in tone of voice. When he is nice, there is a reason for you to be nice back to him. When he is not nice, there is STILL a reason for you to be nice back to him. He loves you but he is still angry at whatever was wrong in your R. You are in a much better place than I am. My H wants a D and is going through with it, but I am being nice to him anyway because I love him. Make sense?

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

S

[addie]

Stella, I'm not the best person to advise you with that particular question. But if you look at my experience, I put pressure on my H about no contact, wanting honesty/trust and that has sent him over the edge, right back into the midst of Replay because he obviously wasn't fully out of the tunnel. I am struggling each day with confronting him or giving him space. I'll be interested in seeing other people's advice.

(((((HUGS)))))

[JenInVen]

hi

I think you'll have to put up with this until you move back home. You could tell him what you expect regarding the OW but how would you know he was following your wishes? I'd say wait until you get back there and lay it out as to what you expect for your M to survive.

[addie]

Stella, I agree with Jen - there's no way to know for sure if H's abiding by your wishes. Wait til you get back to impose boundaries (if that's what you intend to do) or just before moving back so that H has some time to adjust to the expectations before you're together.

[stella_k]

Thank you, ((((Suzanne)))), ((((Addie)))) and ((((Jen))))!

Well, he called. I took your advice, which was exactly matching my own thoughts, and spoke nicely. I asked him if he can talk freely, meaning that last time there was OW in the room with him, and he replied with OF COURSE, I CAN!, as if it was something totally ridiculous to suggest.
I proceeded telling him what I had to tell (concerning D17, financial matters mostly), never mentioned OW again and ended the convo telling him that he's received a funny e-mail, which I opened by mistake, thinking it was for me. I didn't tell him what was the message about and he didn't ask. He will see it soon anyway.
It was not a bad convo after all, it was friendly, if not warm.

He loves you but he is still angry at whatever was wrong in your R.

acute observation, Suzanne. He was in SSM (sex starved marriage) for 15 years out of 23, something I coudn't figure out on my own and he never told me. We're both a little bit reserved when it comes to discussing sex. Now that I started to read on the SSM forum, I'm terrified to think of all the damage it should have done to our M. OW gives him what he felt he was deprived of for so many years - lots of great sex. He is not angry anymore, but he is very bitter. Last time he brought up the subject, he had tears in his eyes. He felt rejected by me for many years. Now he has this OW, doesn't love her (he says) but unable to pull away because of the sex.
I know, I should keep still until I can move back home, trying to do just that that.

(((((all)))))

[W2G]

((((Stella))))

Just stopping in to say hello. Sounds like you've got everything as under control from your end as you can. As Jen and Addie have said, from this distance it's very difficult to monitor if your H is avoiding ow or not.. so just try to hang in there until you get home.

When are you moving?

Hugs,
W2G

[happynow]

Hi Stella,

I just wanted to check in on you & see how you are doing.

It sounds like things are moving forward & I agree with everyone else just wait until you get home.

(((HUGS)))

[One Day]

Hey Stellitsa-mou! (((((hugs)))))

I just wanted to say hello and see how you're doing. You're doing an amazing job of being patient with H- I think that's just what he needs right now, although I know it can't be easy on you.

I like the being still plan, at least until you're back at home.

L. xx

[stella_k]

((((W2G)))), ((((nlt)))), ((((Lisa)))),

thanks for checking on me.

I'm keeping to the plan, being very, very still .

Spoke with H twice, he called both times. No R talk. Not much to report, really.

(((((all)))))