Twerpled on the Head with a Magic Kumquat

[girlfromipanema]

I have done some independent research, and I have discovered that every man has that same body part. (This came as a surprise to my husband, who said I must be wrong.) Don't despair. You can get it elsewhere, from someone who isn't dead to you otherwise.

Thanks for the laugh, Sara. You're a feisty one, aren't ya?

[girlfromipanema]

I often wonder the same, and if anyone thinks you're the world's biggest idiot, then I must be the universe's #1 moron.

But you have three boys and you're working to create a complete family for them. I don't think you're a moron. I think your husband is a moron! And a f*cktard! Oh, and DAM!!! But I think you're a wonderful woman and magnificent mother trying her very best to keep her family intact.

Thanks for your support, friend. (((((GF)))))

[girlfromipanema]

Seeking out the help of a counselor is great, allowing you to have another frame of reference which is focused solely on your wellbeing. Decisions like this shouldn't be made alone in your head.

I value your wisdom and insight more than you can imagine. You've given me so much to ponder. I do need to talk with him. It's time to start addressing what I need.

I'm going to think about the questions you've posed.

Thanks so much, wonderful lady.

I took photos of the paintings, btw and posted in the alternate universe just for you!

xo,
R

[girlfromipanema]

Quick Psychotic Neighbor Update:

I called the Police Dept's non-emergency number and they said they'd send an officer out, but since it wasn't an emergency it could take a while. Less than 5 minutes later, TWO patrol cars pulled in front of my house. Slow crime day. These very nice officers didn't suggest testing for prints (and I didn't ask), but commented that the author must have only a 6th grade education. =)

They recommended I contact our HOA's president and discuss ways to address with him and they stayed around for a bit to send a message to the neighbor in case he/she was lurking about.

I asked about a bullet proof vest for my little guy. They have them for K-9's, but apparently they are extremely expensive... and I'd have to get a custom size since my boy isn't too big. They met him and agreed it would be a travesty if someone were to shoot my angel.

[sofaraway]

Hey Girl, long read here but well worth the time it took.

You have a lot of great support going on and a lot of people offering you some very sound advice.

I thought I might pop on and give you a little of my take on some of the things I have read here today.

I used to take care of my W when she dropped the bomb. Hell, even when she moved out I p[aid for her apartment, her car note, and had her to dinner every weekend "for the kids".

One thing I learned over a period of time, and you are still very new to this, is that our own insecurities and fears can be our biggest detriment in figuring out what the correct action to take is.

What I mean by this is that to many times we wonder how they will react, what they need, and what might make them happy. When in reality we should be worrying about what we need, how we will feel because of our actions, and what makes us happy.

The three biggest killers:

1. Fear of being alone.

2. Fear of upsetting them.

3. Fear of failure.

Now in my readings here, I think you have incurred all 3 of these. One thing that I learned through my mistakes was that rewarding destructive marital behavior with positive actions is the quickest way to no progress. They use the term having their cake and eating it to around here a lot. You have to stop giving a man, who is not being a husband right now, all of the benefits of having a wife.

You have to make him accountable for his actions by simply improving your inner strength and pride. You have to simply make the decision that you are worth more than he is giving you and you deserve so much better than what you are getting. Take a stance and say enough is enough.

This does not mean see a lawyer, this does not mean file for D, this means stand up and say no. This means if he wants to continue being a schmuck and not being a husband, then no more dinners, no physical anything, and no more acceptance of his actions.

Girl, there comes a point in time where you must stand up and hold your head up high. Look him in the face and tell him that you are a good woman, you are a great wife, and you deserve better than he is giving you right now and will no longer be willing to settle for anything less than what you deserve.

People here tend to focus too much on the other person, it was my downfall.....will it be yours? Or will you decide instead to recognize the incredible value that you have and that even if this doesn't work out, you are going to be great. You deserve happiness, the only one at this point stopping you from having it, is you.

Now get your head up and kick some WAH asssss.......

Ian

[DiDi]

Hon... just because you don't have kids doesn't mean your marriage is any less valid or "worth saving". Please don't feel you have to justify DBing on a DB site.

But no-- hollow fear can not be the determining factor in your decision process forever. We can encourage you as you GAL and act "as if" until the cows come home. I can't let this slide. You don't need him. This you need to be clear on. But.....

I hear you still remembering the good times. I hear you still believe. Sometimes you just love them when they deserve it the least because that's when they need it the most. Only you know, ms.gfi... just be true to you.

[girlfromipanema]

Ian, I really appreciate your feedback. It makes so much sense. Tomorrow I find my voice and end my waiting for him to decide if he wants to love me. It's time to move forward. He needs to tell me if he's ready to put 110% into making our marriage better, making me a priority, and giving me what I NEED.

Deauxlie, you sweet southern belle, thank you so much. I don't NEED him. I need a man who will appreciate me for being ME and love and cherish me. I don't need to feel like someone's paid help.

[gForce]

Never feel like an idiot for fighting for your marriage. Isn't that the reason we all came here in the first place? Who is to say when enough is enough? Nobody but you! If you have the desire and energy, still have the fight in you -- then fight the fight and we will be behind you all the way.

Just because you don't NEED him doesn't mean you still WANT him and your M. You can desire it and work for it, even if you know you will be happy with your future without him. There are a lot of ways it is defined around here, but I think that is the "loving detachment" that we keep hearing about. If you are there (wanting but not needing) then you've achieved a major success already. You are a wonderful person. It is too bad H is blind to it but don't apologize for trying to open his eyes.

[I'mstillhopeful]

Ian, I really appreciate your feedback. It makes so much sense. Tomorrow I find my voice and end my waiting for him to decide if he wants to love me. It's time to move forward. He needs to tell me if he's ready to put 110% into making our marriage better, making me a priority, and giving me what I NEED.

I'm happy to hear that you are going to be taking a stand for yourself in the marriage. Goodness knows I'm not one who should be giving advice but I hope that the part about asking him if he is willing to work on your marriage won't be done verbally, but rather by your actions. I can't help but feel that asking him at this point is along the lines of asking an unanswerable question. You'll make it all too easy for him to feel pressured and begin to close the door on the future.

I support the idea of loving detachment while he is still in the same house. Perhaps treating yourself to something that you like and offering to share it with him. (Not easy - in my case my H was wary about enjoying things with me, however, occasionally he was able to let his guard down.)

[girlfromipanema]

Uh oh, I'mstillhopeful... too late. I needed to initiate a conversation with my husband today. I simply could not continue as things have been.

He is unable to trust me... is afraid I will embarrass him in public. Last June we attended the wedding of a colleague. People who didn't know us thought he and OW were a couple rather than us. I went outside with him and expressed how deeply his actions were hurting me. It was a public place. I did not cause a scene. But this is something that he cannot tolerate. I've known this about him and I take full responsibility for my actions. I handled it wrong. I should not have allowed my emotions to fester. It was wrong but not unforgivable in my eyes. It is unforgivable to him. I accept that.

I cannot continue in a relationship where I am not a top priority. He doesn't want to choose between his friendship with OW and his marriage. I cannot accept this and live happily.

There is no alternative other than Divorce.

I tried my very best to save my marriage. I have learned so much about what I need, who I am, how much value have, how to communicate, how to love... I am so incredibly grateful to the DB community. I have so much love for so many people and I know I will be friends with many of you here until the end of time.

I am feeling OK. My heart needs to heal, but I've been going through this for a very long time and my emotions are not as raw as I expected they would be once arriving at this decision.

I told him that being married to him made me want to be a better person and that he has helped me morph into someone I can love with my entire heart. I said as much as my heart hurts now, I know I will always be grateful to him and would hope to be able to rebuild our friendship. That I will always care deeply and admire the man he is. He held me for a few minutes but I needed to get out of there to clear my head and figure out my next step towards my future. Holy crap. I cannot believe I am going to be divorced. I can't believe he will be my ex-husband. It is very sad.

I suppose I'll move to Surviving soon. I am sure I will be needing a lot of support and encouragement in the coming months.