NikB #27 (still tentatively Piecing)

[NikB]

Thanks ST and jak!

Yes, I'm sure those days are gonna happen sometimes. I just felt like it was starting to be a pattern and it was sucking me down. I'm glad I caught it.

So last night was fun... had a great time at the concert!!

Had a few interesting things happen R wise too. I'm actually not really "proud" of a few things I did but they turned out to be a little positive.

I will caveat this by saying we both drank too much at the concert... not that it's an excuse but well, it's what led to me saying a few things I normally would not. Hey it's one way to share my feelings more right?

So after the concert we walked around awhile (not in driving condition at that point!) - then we were walking to a restaurnt to grab a late dinner. One of H's friends called and invited us to meet them at a place near our house on our way home. He asked what was going on the response was "the guys are getting together to discuss [other friend's] bachelor party." H asked if it was cool if I came too and they said sure, I'd be the only girl but it wasn't a big deal. Then he asked me about it, I said sounded good. Then he asked again who was getting married, and the next thing out of H's mouth was "poor sucker."

Grrr.

I flipped between pissed and sad about 10 times in 2 seconds. I then looked at H and said "Yeah. That's nice." and walked away. He quickly said bye to his friend and came up to me and said he was really sorry, he knew it sounded bad and he didn't mean it to sound that way. He was just kidding around, it's a "guy thing" etc. I thanked him for the apology and didn't push it any further. I know, I know, it's a guy thing and honestly pre-sitch that comment wouldn't have bothered me a bit, I probably would've thought it was funny too. Still hurt a bit though.

So we had dinner and hung out awhile then left and met his friends, first briefly at a bar and then a dance club up the street. I don't recall exactly how this even came up but the place we were at has a beach theme and we were joking about buckets of crabs and of course that led to STD type innuendos (I was out with a bunch of guys remember ). And one of the guys, `for whatever reason, says something about EA/OW's married former boyfriend having crabs. Yuck. These are all coworkers of H's so they know this guy and know that OW was sleeping with him. Everyone felt awful for his wife. I found my mind wandering where it shouldn't have, wondering if the EA ever did become a PA, wondering if these guys were feeling sorry for ME too. I read wayyyy too much into it.

Anyway... I looked right at H (again I plead too much wine!) and said "Oh great. Do I need to get tested now?" H looked taken aback and said "Why, have you been sleeping with [aforementioned guy w/crabs]?" I have no idea why this totally cracked me up but it did, and I busted up laughing. Then I said "Oh gross NO! But I may be sleeping with someone who slept with someone who, well, slept with him." The other guys were laughing about the "oh gross NO" comment and I was at least smart enough to say the rest quietly, so thank goodness they didn't hear it, but H did. He shook his head a bit and I said "sorry, that was a dumb thing to say." We both shook it off - had a lot of fun the rest of the night. Danced til the place closed down! Very fun.

All the way home he was thanking me for the idea to go, thanking me for going, saying he had a great night and kept emphasizing what a good time we had "together." Last time we went to MC (yes a LONG time ago but I still remember this), he told me that he was trying to really focus on our good times together and on telling me when he truly had a great time so that we could build on those things. So, yay!!

When we got home H took a shower and I was checking email. He finished his shower and then came over to me kinda serious. He said "Babe I need to tell you something." I was thinking... oh crap, here it comes, the confirmation I've been dreading.

Then he says "About the crabs thing earlier.... I know you don't believe me. I know why you don't believe me. I don't know if you will believe me now, but I promise you that I have never, ever had sex with someone else while we were married, or in all the years before that when we were dating. Never. I promise you. I know I had friendships that went too far but I have never, ever slept with anyone else all this time."

Then said again "I know you probably don't believe me."

I walked over to him and we gave each other a really big hug - you know those kinda emotional hugs?? And I said "Babe you didn't have to say that but you did. Thank you. I believe you." I cried a little and I swear he teared up too (not that he'd ever let me see it ).

So.. Wow...

[NikB]

Sorry for the quick departure, H walked in unexpectedly.

Anyway... I thought it was pretty huge that he told me that, especially when he really didn't "have" to. It was so much later than the whole "crabs" joke/comment and it could've easily just gone unmentioned. So I was very happy that he did that. And I even felt like I got a little acknowledgement from him that he (finally!) understands that the EA is still not OK, PA or not. That felt so good. Such a switch from "but she's just a friend" like that makes it OK.

So the night definitely had potential to go downhill a couple times, but I am very happy overall today about what happened.

[Trixi]

Anyway... I looked right at H (again I plead too much wine!) and said "Oh great. Do I need to get tested now?" H looked taken aback and said "Why, have you been sleeping with [aforementioned guy w/crabs]?"

I almost spit coke all over my computer screen!! That's hysterical!

That's so awesome that he came up to you well after the fact to say what he did. That's huge!

Now, coming from me (the person who can't shut up when she should) I think it's good that you are saying stuff. Is having it be alcohol induced ideal? Nah, but maybe this will help you feel safer to discuss things when you're not able to blame being tipsy.

You are doing so awesome- you've come a long ways, baby.

[MichelleLT]

OMG, that's some really good stuff! Him coming up to you later just seems fantastic and awesome!

(((Nikki)))

I am glad things are going well. Hopefully you can build on these moments of connection so they are not alcohol-inducted.

[JAK58]

Nik,

Yes I agree coming up to you later is awesome, as that means he is thinking and working things out in his head about the two of you.

Great.
Im'e glad you had a good time.


JAK

[S.T. _I Made It!]

agreed that being tipsy isn't usually the best time to bring stuff up, but I totally understand cause it seems like I do the same thing everytime! I get so emotional drinking. But glad it all turned out good for you! And I'm sure it's because you didn't make everything a big huge deal, and now he's witnessed what he almost lost and he's not wanting to lose it again.

oh, and I don't think that comment was dumb. maybe the wrong time to bring up, but def not a dumb question.

[NikB]

Thanks everyone!!

(((Trixi, Michelle, jak, ST))))

Trixi
Glad I made you laugh! I hope your computer screen cleaned up ok.

Michelle
Thanks so much! Yes, definitely working on building up those moments. More in a minute.

Jak
Definitely - he's thinking a lot, that's for sure.

ST
Exactly! It's not the best time, but it's also the time when you're most likely to forget to shut the heck up about the R stuff! That's a good point, I said something but I didn't make a huge deal out of either thing. Hmm I think you're on to something there.

--------
So, an update.

Are we finally starting to feel safe around each other, safe opening up? I think we just might be. Only a tiny bit, but it's progress and I'm excited. We're at very least testing the waters. This is a long story about rings, but it has a point, I promise.

I don't know if I've mentioned it here, but after the last bomb (last October), I took my ring off. Put it in the jewelry box. H took his off and it was in the little "cubby" in the dash of his truck for a long time. It made me kinda sad every time I'd watch him throw change or spare keys or whatever on top of it.

I got to where I actually hated my ring. I thought I'd never ever want to wear it again, even considered throwing it in the river, or melting it down and having earrings made or something. Every time I'd happen to see it in the jewelry box all I could think was "Oh great, reminder of the day I ruined H's life and set myself up for all this." I know.. it's not rational.. and I never allowed myself to dwell on it, but it popped into my head every time. I still had some hope for my M but I decided if we reconciled it needed to be a truly fresh start including new rings, if we ever got that far.

Something shifted last weekend. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt like it was "OK" and even good to be married to H. Like I really am committed to TRULY trying again. I've been knowing in my heart that I wanted to but soo scared and tentative. As I know many of you have seen and mentioned.

Monday, I put my ring back on. It felt weird. It's been a long time. It felt like when we first got engaged. Noticing little things like the diamonds reflecting on the roof of the car, ring finger getting caught when I put my hand in my pocket.. just things that I noticed. It felt weird but really good. I can look at the ring, on my hand, and think about my H and be happy. I know this will sound odd to many of you, but those who "get it" will totally relate.

So... fast forward to last night. We've had a good but tiring week. I was doing 50 gazillion things and H came in and asked what the plan for dinner was (in a good way, not a "where's my dinner woman" kinda way.. I know that might not come across well here). I said I wasn't sure and ran a few ideas past him. He took my hand and said "How 'bout [our favorite pizza place] instead?" I said OMG I'm so sick of chores, I know I'll get further behind but that sounds GREAT. He grinned and said "I thought it might!"

We took my car... top down, stereo going, absolutely perfect warm Sacramento summer night. Something that we both love. I was loving the moment, just soaking it in.

H reached for my hand - which he's been doing a lot lately while we're driving places. Almost as soon as his hand touched mine he kinda - I dunno - flinched isn't the word because it sounds negative but that was the "movement." I could tell he noticed my ring. He pulled my hand towards him and looked at it, then kinda rubbed/squeezed my ring finger a bit. Then he said "So you're wearing your ring huh?" I just said yes, didn't elaborate, kept enjoying the night.

Then he says "I wore mine for awhile earlier this week too." WOW... that shocked me. The timing CAN'T be purely coincidence can it?

I am kicking myself now (hindsight's 20/20 right?) because it was a great opportunity to lead into a non-threatening R talk, but I didn't. I said "Aww man, you did? I missed it!" ack. Not a BAD thing to say, just not ideal. He said "Yeah, I did. For a bit. I put it back in the jewelry box." We got to the place right then so I could have talked about it more, but it was a natural "break" too and we didn't talk more about it. On the good side, I didn't freak out about him taking it off or take it as an automatic negative. On the bad side, I wanted so badly to ask him why (and he seemed to practically be waiting for me to ask that question).. and I chickened out.

My GUESS, purely a guess, is that he's thinking hard about the M, put the ring on, and it wasn't quite "right" yet. I know the feeling, I've tried to wear mine a few times and it just didn't feel right.. like it was too soon. While I'm sad he took it back off, I think it's pretty significant that he put it in the jewelry box and not the "junk" cubby on the dash. The first time around he had it in the jewelry box while he was first feeling ambivalent, and when he decided he was "done" he took it to work and put it in his toolbox. It was important to him that it wasn't in the house. He told me all this at one point.. forget when but I remember the convo well. This time it's been in the truck since the bomb last fall.

So I'm trying not to read TOO much into it, but it feels like a step towards me/us. Another crazy coincidence - I was looking for a pair of earrings this morning and saw that he put his ring EXACTLY where my ring had been. It's a fairly large jewelry box - there were a lot of possible locations for it to go. I can't imagine he knew where my ring was since he's not exactly digging in there for earrings or necklaces much . Dunno. Just took me by surprise.

So.. that brings me to today. I blew it last night by not bringing using the "opening" to the convo, but I think I will still re-approach it this weekend. I think the timing is still good. I won't make it a huge deal and I'll let him "lead" in terms of how much he wants to talk, but I'm thinking of saying something like "Hey remember we were talking about our rings last night? I'm just curious, what led to you wanting to wear it and then feel like putting it in the jewelry box?" And that's it.. from there just let him talk. Or not, whatever he decides... but I hope it goes well.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.. I have a feeling a more toddler-sized baby step may be on the horizon. Hope so, anyway.

[NikB]

Oh, and how could I forget to share this little nugget?

H has been having a LOT of nightmares. If he's just twitchy in his sleep I leave him alone but he'll start sounding like he's yelling or moaning or crying, or something. It's a bizarre sound. I know from past experience it is REALLY best to wake him up if he gets to that point. His dreams can get terrifying, and a couple of times he's actually gotten physical in his sleep in the middle of a nightmare.. never hurt me or anyone else but the potential's there and it's quite freaky.

Anyway... earlier this week, he had one of those dreams. He kept thrashing around and I'd gently wake him up but then he was breathing hard, muffled (asleep) yelling, all that. Almost sounded like he was crying at one point. I woke him up which he doesn't remember, but it apparently stopped the dream.

The next day I told him I was sorry he had bad dreams and hope I didn't disturb his sleep too much. He looked at me funny and said no, thanks for waking him up - then it seemed like the details came rushing back to him.

He said he had the worst dream, he was at a store and some crazy woman was trying to blow the place up. He kept running away from the store, but kept having to run back in for different reasons. Then he ran outside but she kept chasing him so he ended up ducking in the back door of the place, but she came back in the front again with a bomb. All he was trying to do was go about his normal day and she kept doing this.

Then he started to remember more... "I think I was working on a car or something right in the middle of the store, which doesn't make any sense but I was." Then he remembers.. it's a parts store!!

For those who've followed my story awhile you'll know, H is a mechanic, OW/EA works in parts. Hmmm.

I was asking questions along the way and validating how scary that sounded. I had to ask.... "So did the crazy lady work there or was she a customer or something?" He said in a really funny tone "No it was weird, she worked there! I don't know why she was trying to blow the place up, she worked there. I think I might have worked there too."

OMG.. seriously???

I know not to get into a bunch of dream analysis, but I mean really.. I had to smile at that one a little bit.

[NikB]

"I blew it last night by not bringing using the "opening" to the convo, but I think I will still re-approach it this weekend. "

Um yeah.. that makes no sense, sorry. I had two different sentences in my head at once. It makes sense minus "bringing." That's what I meant, I missed using the opening to the convo.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

can't read the last two posts, but I read about the ring!

I am glad you didn't say anything or bring up an R comment. I think it was perfect what you said and didn't make a discussion of it. He may have put it back away because YOU didn't have yours on yet. I would wait and see what happens and maybe he'll start putting it on again?

I'll read the rest later. Have fam over this weekend and kids bday too.

love ya! I'm happy for you too!