H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

PH,
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts about my situation. I agree--I've suspected for a while now that he wants to have a R talk about moving on, because I haven't seen any signs that he is moving any closer to me. Although...if he's going to tell me that he wants out, why has he waited for *months* to tell me so, just because I'm not willing to tell him what I feel? I generally emphasize in these little encounters (although not always) that if *he* wants to talk, I will listen. I really don't get it. Except for moving away from me by inches, he seems *glued* to the fence, with no significant moves in either direction. Now he's got ME confused!

He has said in the past (months ago) that he knows that choosing to stay with me will mean more stability and security (oh yeah, that sounds really exciting; I can see why you'd want that!), but...he doesn't know if he has the energy to try again with me, and is really reluctant because of fears about being right back in this same situation two or five or ten years down the road, because he can't trust me not to "relapse" (my word to approximate what he said). And the way he talks about the possibility of staying with me is comparable to the way someone might talk about having to go through chemotherapy. Lovely. And this is despite all the efforts I have made (both before and after the bomb) to be fun and exciting and pleasant to be around.

He did say, about six months ago, that if we didn't have all this negative history behind us, if he were just meeting me for the first time now, that he would be really intrigued by me. My DB coach said that was an excellent sign, but in all the time since then, H hasn't seemed to follow through on that concept at all. I got the "You changed your whole life around in two months, but it's too little too late" speech, including the accusation that I only did it because I was scared of losing my lifestyle. He also volunteered that he has a hard time making major decisions, and he feels overwhelmed by the fact that a decision that will have a major impact on three people's lives is really up to him.

So...there we are. I'm just so fed up with him that I don't even want him around. He talked about how he thinks we'll be happier apart, and it's true that if he's going to be like this to me for the rest of our lives, I would be happier without him. But I still have that tiny thread of hope that he will eventually return from the Mother Ship and become something like the wonderful person I married again. I don't want a divorce. I really don't. I just don't know who this person I'm legally married to is any more, and I'm not sure he's going to become recognizable to me again. I really don't know what to do.

One thing I know now, that I didn't when this all began, is that I can survive without him. In a number of ways, especially financially, it wouldn't be easy, but I could do it. For years, though--up until several months after the bomb, in fact--I truly believed that I couldn't, and I planned that if he ever left me I would kill myself, and I was up-front with him about that. (Hey, no pressure there!) I'm no longer seriously thinking of that, although the thought does pass through my mind occasionally. One of the changes I made when I realized that something was really wrong, a month before the bomb, was to completely stop all mention of suicide unless he specifically asked, and even then to avoid dwelling on it. I thought about it constantly at the time, of course, but I didn't talk to him about it.

So...I'm not sure what to do. Hmmm, how many times have I said that now? I can do just about anything if I know that's what I need to do (I've amazed myself with how consistent I've been about the DBing approach I had settled on!), but I just don't know what I'm actually *supposed* to do. I wish God would just send me a note or leave some writing on the wall for me or something! I do have a call in to make an appointment with my DB coach, so hopefully that will help.

Oh, yes, I wanted to ask--what is the Hedge of Thorns prayer? I'm not familiar with it.

Thanks again for stopping by; I REALLY appreciate it!! I do welcome all words of support and advice!

Peace,
Dawn