Trixi trying to find moorage

[Trixi]

I called H, said that in thinking about it, I was being a butt and would have probably felt the same way. That I had forgotten that he friend couldn't drive and was 'stuck' there; and given how tired he was and how early he had to get up, it was completely understandable and that I was sorry for being a butt.
He said "Ok. No problemo." I said "So I'm forgiven?" and he said "Yup. You're forgiven."

So, at least I did the right thing there.

You know the analogy of throwing rocks into a river and that until they have piled up, you don't see the 'results'? I think the opposite is happening here, for me. A lot of rocks (negatives) have been tossed into my river and now there's enough that every negative thing that happens is glaringly apparent. So when my H "rejects" me, it doesn't just disappear under water-- it is right there in front of me.

If I had been sure that H was staying over, I would have already gotten the stuff from the store for breakfast. He has started disappointing me enough, that I anticipate being disappointed. I don't know why it hurts when I sort of expect it, but it still does hurt. Every disappointment and rejection is another nail in the coffin. I hate seeing what I thought was being resurrected, dying again.

Talked to IC last week and realized that now my H is acting like my dad. Not as bad, but sorta. My parents divorced when I was little. My father would say he was going to come and get me to take me out for the day and then never show up. No call. Nothing. (He was an addict.) Later, after not seeing him for a couple years (because he was in jail), he came and got me to take me out. I was in the 7th grade. On our way, he lights up a joint. I tell him to put it out. He says not to worry, there's no cops around. Again I say to put it out. He repeats his statement so I said "just take me home." He did and after that we didn't speak. He lived at my Gramma's and occasionally we would cross paths. He never really said a peep to me. No bday cards, no Chistmas presents. When I was in the 10th grade, he died in a fire because of doing drugs.

To my mom's credit-she made sure I tried hard in school. Graduated 13th out of 260+ kids. She made sure I had crafty things to do. She had me get involved in 4-H which was good for me. She still makes me crazy because she is so opinionated and wants to control, but I give her credit for what she did do. I certainly could have turned out WAY different.

I hope I didn't just disclose too much. 'Oh well' if I did. I'm human, I have a past and I can't change it.
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Sara, Agreed that I don't want H to feel like I forced him to go to Retro. And I like the idea of presenting like you suggested. I gotta just drop it, for now.

::shake it off::
Okay- time to go find my costume for tonight's party. I'm thinking fancy western type outfit-lots of glitter and glitz. I mean, after all, I do *own* the trailer park, so I must be a woman of great success.