You asked me to stop by regarding being open to my W reaching out to me. I don't remember exactly what I said that caught your attention, but I just read through your whole thread.
I'm going to be honest - I don't think the advice I have to give is what you want to hear, because I think you've been trying to paint a different reality for awhile. So be warned that this is a 2x4 but know that I think you sound like an amazing woman with a tremendous amount of inner strength.
First I'm going to remind you of some tremendous advice already given to you - this post by Saffie and this post by Alimarie. If I were you, I'd re-read those posts and really think about them.
Second, I'm going to post an article that breton39 posted. It has helped me think about my W's A, but I think it'll help you even more because your H has some serious problems. He needs to choose to address those himself, not by you trying to cajole him into dealing: Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity.
Third, I'm going to post a link to an article written by a woman who stayed in denial about her H's A for awhile and still ended up Ding. I'm posting this because she talks about sacrificing yourself - your hopes, dreams, LIFE - to a spouse who will only continue to complain that nothing you do is good enough. There is no way you can ever win. Be warned, it's a fairly negative article and I don't believe things have to be as bleak as the picture she paints. The tools you can learn in DB is one obvious way to find a rosier picture. But I think what she says about sacrificing yourself is valuable to hear and fits into MWD's message of concentrating on making yourself happy. Here's the article: Can I Save My Marriage?
All of that said, I see you focusing exclusively on the M. I see you engaging in nothing but R talks with H. Maybe it is how you write about your sitch, but this is definitely NOT what MWD writes about. You should stop focusing so much on the M and your H in the M and start focusing on yourself and making yourself happy. I mean, the only thing you have is yourself and your kids, right? Why do you want to be in a M where you have to try so hard? That means it's not working. And with multiple As having occurred, the only way anything will ever work is for your H to WANT to try as hard as you are. He's not. Nothing is good enough for him.
And one of the reasons may be that you're letting him walk all over you. He can get away with anything. Does that make you look attractive in his eyes? I'd think the answer would be no. But the more important question is, is this the kind of M you want? Do you respect him? I hope the answer to that is a big fat no. You can be loving, you can leave the door open and shine a light back to your M. But you should set an example for your children that his behavior is unacceptable.
Lastly, I'm going to point out that the two of you appear to be in a horrible cycle of game-playing. The "lying in bed with backs turned to each other," or the "he reaches out to me but I won't respond even though I want to" .... that's not good. That's an ingrained pattern of behavior that probably helped create the problems in the first place. These are cheeseless tunnels and you know they don't work so why do you continue to go that route?!
I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear from me, but I think you should hear it. Maybe it's the wrong advice - I don't really know your sitch but only what you wrote. But I hope what I've written is useful to take into consideration.
I'll post one last article because it is a message of hope. I want you to think about how the woman responded to her H's A, though: Working It Out.
Hang in there - you're a good person who has done a tremendous job in the face of very hard and painful circumstances. I think you need to be a better friend to yourself, though, and recognize that you deserve a certain amount of respect. You don't have to throw H to the curb, but you don't have to pander to him either. Learn to love yourself so that others can love you better.
IMO. Sorry for the 2x4s. lodo
PS - forgot to mention that a lot of stuff in the articles and other posts will seem to contradict each other. Do they really though? Think about that. I believe it all has to do with sequence - how does stuff happen, in what order, and in what time period. In DR there is an example sitch - maybe in Pulling it together? - anyway, it describes a woman who decides to focus on herself, not H and his A or what he needs to do to fix himself. Maybe that framework would be a good one for seeing how these things aren't contradictory. Okay - sorry for the WAY too long post!
