5 yr DBer, "Joint" D now in progress

[RSmiles]

Thank you so much Cat,Beth, Everhopeful... This board is so great! I can't wait to check out The Spiritual D, that sounds like a really good book. I love reading books and gaining spiritual insights. I also found some listings for D support groups in Portland. I'm definitely going to check that out when I get there. You're right- I do have a bright new beginning before me.

H is full of snotty remarks for me lately. Tonight he's yelling at me about the dogs chewing stuff up- again. 'Get your head out of your a**!!' If I could count the number of times he's said that to me.... For some reason, he always thinks it's my fault when they chew something. I am so sick of his attitude and his junk. Why does he have to insult me all the time?!@ Of course, he's not sober either. OK- I'm almost done with this. I'll be leaving soon...

[RSmiles]

So, tomorrow is H's birthday- I know, nice timing, huh? I'm wondering if I should get him something or just a card. H has demanded that I replace the TV remote control for him since the dogs chewed on it while I was in the other room. Maybe I should get him that- but then I feel like he's pushing me around again. What would you do?? Gift or no gift?

[Reincarnated]

No gift. He is glad to be "rid of you," right? Let him see what that really means. And the next time he complains about the dogs chewing stuff up, remind him that you won't be here in a few weeks to babysit them--he better get used to dealing with the dogs himself, now.

I just read your thread--I am SO glad to hear you are going to AlAnon. Keep going! Go more than once a week, to more than one meeting place and time, if you have to. You are doing the right thing, and will get stronger every day.

Portland sounds exciting! Can you spend the occasional night away from the house until you are out of there? Last-minute trip with friends? A hotel?

Your parents--well, you lived with them for a lot longer than you did h, and survived it. You may just want to set up some clear boundaries, on both sides, for while you are staying there, to avoid unmet expectations or misunderstandings.

Leave the financial stuff up to the Ls. If he brings it up again, simply ask him to forward any of his concerns to your L--stop him berating you or pressuring you to pay for anything else. Blame the L--tell him that you have been advised to no longer discuss these issues with him. Peace of mind sometimes comes with a price tag.

[RSmiles]

Oh wow- some serious roller coaster days w. H. I feel like punching him right now. So, I get home Sunday night after a 70 hr work week (special event all weekend I had to work in addition to my reg week) and it's H's bday. H is having a huge pity party for himself that no one cares about him since no one remembered his bday. I'm the only one who remembered and we're getting a D. I ended up getting him a paperback- but he complained all night about how he hates everyone. Then, he halfway acted suicidal, but it passed. Next, on Monday H refuses to sign the temporary order (he was so close to signing it last week!!!) b/c he thinks I'm asking him to pay my L fees. My L has already explained twice that no there is no such statement and that he is wasting her time and my money as my L fees go up to keep explaining this. There is a option in the petition that I have the right to ask the court to grant assistance with extensive court fees if there is a lengthy court process and that is what it says. So, we have to put another sentence in explaining that. This is the third re-write my L has done (on my dime of course).
Then, today H says he can't pay for his half of the mortgage this month. Sorry, I have no money. H had money but spent it. He's the one who's keeping the house!!! He claims his next freelance check doesn't come until mid-Aug. So, I can either consult my L tomorrow about what I can do about him or pay it all myself again which will not leave me with very much until I find a new job again. Just great.

[Kimmie Lee]

Hang in there, Sweetie. Sounds like you have a great L and I pray that you are out of there soon. Then you H will have no one to b!tch at and will either sink or swim. I'm guessing the first.

I would love to live in Portland. It's such a great city.

[RSmiles]

So, my L thinks that H has to compensate me for not paying his half of the mortgage this month- so she's adding in the order to reduce my share of joint bills by the amt of H's unpaid mortgage payment. She also said that if he doesn't pay for the home when it's in his temporary possession he is in contempt of court and we can order that he reimburses me out of his share of the equity. I don't really want my legal bills to get massively expensive, but I also need the protection since I'm not staying in the house. So far, H indicates that with his renter he does plan to make the payments after I leave. H actually hopes to get 2 renters so he doesn't have to pay anything. What a guy!

[RSmiles]

More thoughts.. I suppose it is good in a way that H has one renter and is looking for another. At least he is motivated in some way to keep the house, even if he won't go get a reg job himself. Maybe that'll change after I leave. I notice the more I don't do things, H has no choice but to do them. H has been relying on me for so long and I've been enabling him b/c I've just taken care of everything. He is now buying groceries for himself and doing some of his dishes. H also took the dogs to the vet and paid for it (which should have gone to the mortgage- but whatever). H really wants the house- he's building a huge music studio and investing his money in this for his music and freelance business. H really thinks he's going to build a successful business- but this idea has already been 4 years in the making(with no results). Recently, H got more gear (from borrowed money from his family) and claims he how has a chance to get real business b/c he has the new equipment. It's unclear what will turn out though b/c H has depression and substance abuse issues too, so can't really think clearly and be stable to follow through on things always. H sure has a huge attitude that he thinks he'll be successful though. In H's mind, he claims his bank will approve his refinance when he pays off past due bills and his business will make more $$ soon. Hard to know.

[RSmiles]

OMG!!! H hit on me this morning, wanted to ML. What a trip! I walked away, mentioned that I had to run errands (which I'm about to go do) After 2.5 mo. straight of I want this D and being rude, impatient, etc. Ok I gotta realize H is half delirious right now- he took a vicadin last night in addition to his usual pot smoking. In any case, even if he does still have feelings, I can't give in to this! This is a horrible, horrible R for me, right!! H only gets small checks 4-5 times a year, I pay for everything. He uses me, ignores me, insults me, doesn't want to do things with me. H thinks my artwork is bad and I have no creative talent (I'm a designer/artist). Yes, he literally insulted me this way. H likes to work in his studio by himself all the time and not do things, even go to the grocery w. me! This has been going on for 4 yrs straight almost. Plus he's a drug addict w. depression and can't think straight. H has a temper problem and often gets so angry at everyone and just needs to be left alone. I'm not a thoughtless WAS, right?! My movers are coming in 4 days, I've quit my jobs, my stuff is 3/4 packed up. I mean I can't go back on this, it would be a bad choice! I think I just need to take a breather here. I'm about to go out, leave the house to do stuff for a little while.

[RSmiles]

And I can't forget the EA/PA? thing. I must really have detached by now to not have listed that first in my msg! I have no good detailed proof without snooping. But recently (last June-present?) H is spending lots of time online w. OW musician and OW club owner. Honestly, I stopped paying attention in May after the "D" day. H's studio is in an outside 2.5 car garage that he remodeled so he just lives out there basically. Then he goes out and doesn't tell me where he's going. He goes on overnight shows a lot w. the band and never wanted me to come along. H likes to flirt a lot. H has asked me for a non-manogamus M before so he can have OW 1 nighters and still stay w. me. Previously in our M, I found messages from H to another OW saying he hates me and loves her and listed all these reasons why he hates me. I did forgive him for that, though. This was before we pieced in 2004...

[RSmiles]

Ok- so, H is not interested in piecing our M, he just wanted some physical attention briefly. Now he's complaining to me about me taking kitchen utensils and how soon can he get the house keys from me for "his" house. He asked me for a brief hug and I gave him one, but I'm so glad I didn't fall for the ML part!! I would be an emotional wreck right now. I'm already in a spin just from the suggestion about ML since we're in the process of this D and I'm about to leave, and trying to be detached. Moving away is really going to help. I'm way too sensitive.

3-4 yrs ago when I spent so much time working on piecing our M back together, I took any little sign of warmth from H as a baby step. I went through him considering me just a roommate, telling me he would not ever be in a committed R, yelling at me to get out of "his" apartment(we were both on the lease) but then occassionaly ML to me and I just sat there through it all. Now here I am in the same sitch all over again 4 yrs later. I've recently been reading more and more about spirituality, love and compassion. And I am confused- if I truly have love and compassion then am I supposed to try to stay w. H even after how he treats me??? I do feel sorry for H's pain and confusion in life. I do know that he is a good person underneath this. Or is it that I need to develop more love and compassion for myself and thus make choices that will honor me and my inner peace? Why is this so confusing to me? Why do I blame myself and think I'm not a good enough person. This is a low point today again.