Another one joins the flock (Part II)

[Mike85]

OK, in retrospect, posting at 2 am after hanging out with friends all night may not have been a great idea. Self-pity doesn't read well in the light of the next day.

Lest you think that my embarrassing post above is my normal state of mind, here's an excerpt of an e-mail I sent to an old friend of mine yesterday (I replaced my wife's name and fraternity name to keep things generic and safe in this post):

"I've had a hell of a lot of time to ruminate on this. Don't get me wrong - I may seem stoic and analytical at this point, but I've had moments of deep, deep darkness, depression, sadness, loneliness, self-doubt, and anger. Oh lord, the anger. It has taken a long time for me to make it through to this point. I don't know exactly how I'll ever trust her -or any woman with whom I may become involved, should [my wife] and I split permanently- ever again. Trust, honor, fidelity, integrity...these are core elements of what I am and in what I believe. To have had someone in whom I had placed the totality of my love, faith, and trust do what [my wife] has done had upended all that I held dear. I'm doing as well as I am to this point thanks to my/our psychologist, the online support group to which I belong, a lot of reading, and the continued support of dear friends like you.

What has helped me make it to this point is something you said in an earlier e-mail: "Remember who you are." I spent a lot of time remembering what my parents instilled in me, what I came to believe during my formative years in [our Fraternity], what my faith has meant and still means to me, what I have accomplished academically, professionally, and personally, what I have come to mean to my friends, family, students, colleagues, etc., and I remembered who I am and what I represent. The awards on my wall, the pictures of my kids, the pictures and letters from my students, the calls from friends and family...they all helped me remember. That is the man I will continue to be, regardless of what [my wife] does or does not do. I know that I will be able to look my children in the eyes and at myself in the mirror and know that I held true and did everything I could to save my family."

On today's agenda: a heck of a shindig with live music, a pig roast, scads of "dishes to pass" side stuff, and good friends I haven't seen in a long time.