"I'm wondering if people who read my thread think, "just move on already. Give up. It's not worth it." Do I seem like the world's biggest idiot? "
Here's my perspective, for better or worse.
Seeking out the help of a counselor is great, allowing you to have another frame of reference which is focused solely on your wellbeing. Decisions like this shouldn't be made alone in your head.
From the outside looking in, it's just weird. You live in the same house, work at the same place and have less than 20 words shared on a daily basis. You make his meals, accept him when he wants physical involvement and go grocery shopping buying what he likes. You are being a wife.
You accept his behaviors because you love him. It's okay for him to be withdrawn and silent, moody. It's okay to put his work needs first since you don't want to bother him with your emotional needs and conflicts. It's upsetting that he goes and does hobbies with her that you have no interest in. It's upsetting that they can laugh and talk easily at work and you're left feeling alone.
But all this time, my dear ms. imp... you're fighting this battle alone in your head. You're getting hurt, lost and frustrated, changing and becoming aware of what you need but at the same time you are accomodating everything to his needs... what works for him.
Ms. imp.. what works for YOU?
What is your statement of being?
What do you need (not want) out of a marriage, a relationship?
What are concrete signs that these things are happening?
Have you flat out told him what you need? Or is it easier to accomodate him because of the love and connection you feel toward him.
Ms. imp... I've said this before.. You are me, 20 years ago. Even though spouse didn't have a female friend, his work was (and is) his mistress. I accepted his need to turn inward, why it was right for him to be emotionally withdrawn. When it hurt enough, I was overwhelmed and shut down too.
Two hurt people don't make one complete marriage. At best you learn to coexist and revel when you can both connect. Staying connected involves being open to change, communicating even if its about stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable. It's not about being numb or numbing.
Ask yourself what you deeply truly need. Ask yourself what you expect out of a marriage, a life long commitment, a relationship.
