thanks, everyone - hard to type now, since reading your words has made me cry
I should be studying, because failing this exam is not what I need to do right now. I also have work to do this weekend and S's baseball games to attend, not to mention the usual messy house nonsense. Instead, I'm here, because I am so confused and feeling like I need to DO something, anything, and I'm hoping for suggestions that will prevent it from being a big huge mistake something.
As I mentioned, I reached out to my H and it seemed to have the effect of pushing him further away. I spent some lovely days just being MAD - I've been working so hard at this and really trying to make our R a comfortable place for him and this seems to irritate him. Almost everything I said seemed to piss him off - not that he said anything, but I know him well enough that I get the tone/body language.
It felt so good - I was just like whatever, do what you want, azzhole. I was polite but didn't talk to him much - I know he noticed the distance. For about a week, he has been making it a point to stay up until I'm asleep, avoid any physical contact, etc.
The last few nights, he has come to bed while I'm still awake. I've been keeping to my side of the bed, though and nothing has happened. Night before last, he cuddled up behind me for a few minutes and I just stayed still. After a little while, he moved away.
Last night there was 'activity' on his side of the bed, which he eventually took out of the room.
I think he's back in touch with someone - his behaviour around the cell phone is a bit weird again - and I will not be used as an outlet for sexual energy generated by his R with someone else. Had years of that, thank you very much.
This morning, he again cuddled up behind me, but it was time for me to get up and walk, so I did. No sign of interest in sex - seems to be going out of his way to avoid it.
The effect of the physical contact has been to rip away my protective anger though. Really not giving a sh!t felt good but now I'm a mess again. What's wrong with me? Why do I even want this guy?
We can't go on like this. It's the best way to get him to move out. A couple of days ago, I thought I would great his announcement that he was leaving with a hearty 'it's about time!'. Today I think I'm not completely ready to give up yet, but I don't have clue what to do about it.
At first, it seemed my moving away was drawing him a bit closer to me, but now he's moving away again.
I suppose I don't have much to lose at this point. With everything I've learned since last fall, we could have such a good R - how can he still be thinking about walking away? Throwing away the chance to make something really wonderful and to protect our children from the pain of losing their family - what's wrong with HIM?
I'm a lovely picture right now, tears and snot running down my face. I'm going to pull myself together and reread everyone's kind words and then I am going to study!