All settled in 250 miles apart

[JWS]

Sorry this turned into a bit of venting and a bit of pity party

I think that we made some very good progress yesterday. It was strange but good. First off the movie was great it lived up to every bit of its hype. Timing worked out pretty good, I got there with enough time to get some dinner. I had a list of small talk friendly items, such as what our friends are up to and what not. Then SHE asked me about work and I told her a few great stories that she loved. She really loves my job and was truly excited to hear the stories.

She told me things that she has been up too, mostly staying at home due to the price of gas. She did join a gym and has been working out a lot. She looks fricken fantastic and that was killing me quietly all night. After the movie we went back to her house to play with the puppy for a few mins. She was excited to show me new tricks and seemed to really light up as he and I were playing. When I was leaving she acted as if it was strange that I was going to drive another two hours south since it was already after mid night, but she did not go as far as to offer a alternative. (not that I would have stayed)

Overall. No R, M or L talk, we both really enjoyed each other as friends. I will see her on Sunday to play with the dog and we kind of mapped out a few meetings in Aug around exchanging the puppy.

Heres the strange part when I got in the car I cried for almost a hour of my drive. It was so hard to see her looking so incredible, and nice to me. It completely broke down my detaching and made me want her so bad. I also felt crazy jealous. I don’t know of what or whom but of anything. Last time she got in this kind of shape it was to impress someone else.

She is giving me enough things to be suspious about but it is just rope to hang myself. I know that if she is fooling around then she is the fool and not me, and it really wont change my resolve to save my marriage, but it does hurt. Deep down I am pretty sure she is not doing anything more hen flirting so why am I letting this kill me. I know this but I can’t release it from my head and it is like poison.

Mostly I cried because she looked so good, and seemed so happy, is her life really better off without me?? Why could she not find it in herself to make these changes while with me? They are great changes and I am not overlooking the fantastic baby steps made by us both, I am just sad. Overall everything is falling into place with our original plan for her going to school, I just hope she can fall in love with me too.

Well enough I have a great day planned and need to get to it. There will be plenty of time to imagine how great she looked later, for now time to get my head in the game.