I read this thread in one sitting tonight, but I was being quiet since I didn't think I had much to contribute. But you asked, so . . . .the answer is: I don't know what my advice would be.
I don't feel like I know your situation very well. When you're up, you're WAY UP. When you're down, you're way down. You have every reason to be WAY DOWN when you're upset with him, so don't get me wrong. I just don't know if I understand the marriage from reading about the last few days, with your spirit soaring while he was gone at the thought of how great things would be, followed by his second night home and your drop to crestfallen as you talked about the lie he told you (well, the lie you suspect) about this other woman.
Personally, I'm tempted to advise you to talk to him about it again. We talk a lot about boundaries here. It might make sense to let him know that this woman is just off limits. That you know he might have a perfectly innocent friendship with her, but for the sake of yourself and the marriage, he's going to have to let her go.
I understand the concept of choosing your battles--the term in special education where I work is "Choosing the hill you're willing to die on." But I'd be concerned that the boundaries will move--tolerate him buying another woman underwear in secret, and it's not hard to imagine that there's not a lot further he can go without really ruining your marriage--again.
But I would never have expected anyone to come back from the affair you described, so you've already done the impossible, and that makes you mighty. Take everybody's advice with a grain of salt and don't make yourself crazy either way. If your husband is as reformed as you say he is, I don't think it will be asking a lot for him to understand that a guy who has cheated as flagrantly as he did gives up the benefit of the doubt. He needs to be above reproach.
Nobody will think less of you either way, so do what you think is right.
Before I married my wife, when we weren't "officially" engaged but we both knew that was coming, I worked at a summer camp. One of the other counselors was a beautiful girl, and she's the only girl who ever tempted me to push the boundaries of my relationship with my wife. I can't even remember her name now, although I can picture her face. Nothing physical happened; we had long talks, we played a little too flirtatiously in the water at the beach, that sort of thing. I never pushed it far enough to find out how she really felt, but I knew how I felt--if I'd been single, there would have been no doubt.
But in the end, I knew I couldn't have them both. I made a choice. It was the right choice. I chose the girl who loved me and wanted to share her life with me over the girl who flirted with me.
Does your husband understand that he can't have you both? If he does, maybe you really are better off letting it go. If he doesn't, I don't see how you can.
I am so happy right now and thats kind of what scares me. To be honest... I am used to something else not this.. I think thats why I come off as if I am high on life sometimes... The thought of WE GET ALONG is just so foreign to me .... sometimes, ....it took alot of work for me/us to get here.... so it feels like CHRISTMAS everyday at times and it is awesome and yet overwhelming at times... Make sense?
and yeah I guess it wasnt fair of me to ask you cause you dont know much about me or my sitch but you gave it your best so thanks!
Ian read along for a long time from what he posted on another thread...
Quote:
I don't think it will be asking a lot for him to understand that a guy who has cheated as flagrantly as he did gives up the benefit of the doubt
Ya think?
THis is how I feel/felt... it has taken me forever to get HERE>>> and then when my friend filled me in on the latest gossip,,, it immediately took me back there>>>>>
Am I really that up and down BEAR? Wow I thought I was mostly up... yeah that I am working on too... he used to dictate my every mood. it has been 2 solid months of me "trying" not to take things personally and it is hard cause it doesnt come natural for me. I am a little too sensitive for my own good.
I was at the Vets once and a lady started to get teared up cause they had to put her DOg down... and she was in her 60s and guess what I started to get upset and tear up.
I am a highly emotional being... working on it... Thanks again sweeite... So glad to hear BTW that you and your WIFE are working on things! Good job! you are doing so well..What a blessing!
Did I mention this.. after I spoke to my friend... hubby called... I couldnt even be mad at him and not in a doormat kinda way..
in the way that he was being so genuine and so the MAN I have waited years for him to be......I just simply couldnt.... Sometimes I just wanna choke him. Just kidding but I am Latina after all and I can get a bit dramatic.... but if I can trust him and communicate like we have been then ... I dunno babbling .. it is way past my bedtime...
I am going to I am sure talk to him again about my feelings w/o ever bringing this up again. but let him know what I expect to keep me feeling safe with him Like Ian said .. he isnt the same man he used to be and is this worth battling over.. NO~
Can a Marriage that isnt sex starved anymore be the cure for his cheating ways ?
I hope so...
....there are no guarantess.. I know this *(strong and alive ) and I can only hope he will keep working on being the real MAN I want him to be.
Thanks for listening Bear... that meant alot to me...
I really am proud of you .. sorry if I didnt put that in your thread.. take care and keep enjoying your Wife... she is doing so damn well~ Fantastic Woman you have .. but you know that already! ~Ali
"Meaning is not something you stumble across, like the answer to a riddle or the prize in a treasure hunt. Meaning is something you build into your life. You build it out of your own past, out of your affections and loyalties, out of the experience of humankind as it is passed on to you, out of your own talent and understanding, out of the things you believe in, out of the things and people you love, out of the values for which you are willing to sacrifice something. The ingredients are there. You are the only one who can put them together into that unique pattern that will be your life. Let it be a life that has dignity and meaning for you. If it does, then the particular balance of success or failure is of less account."
he used to fit nicely and now he seems too big... http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/perimenopause/DS00554/DSECTION=symptoms Possibly periomenopause like others have told me.... so... I can look at the glass half empty or half full. I prefer full. I have an appt with the DR next week... Never used to be a problem.... And for me being honest here helps me get results and answers.... Thanks for asking.... I feel to young to have these symptoms already so , we will see.. I dont have all of them only some. HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND! ~Ali
Alimari..this is my first post to you and came over from frank_d's thread. As a victim of incredible lying and infidelity, it's always difficult to respond to something like this. All my instincts told me that something was going on with my W, but I chose to ignore them as 'DB principle's' very early on here. I saw babysteps while bad things happened behind my back. I am in the D process now.
However, your H saw the light and came back....and worked with you. Mine didn't. So, I am not sure if I am the best person to give advice. But...I think all men still need to have some sort of opposite sex contact. It sounds like H just did some stuff that, in view of past history, makes you feel the way you do.
In medicine, we say that if you are going to order a test, what are you looking for and are you prepared to act on what you find, or, don't order a test if you aren't going to act on it.
I wouldn't bring up anything here unless you are prepared to deal with the results/aftermath. HOWEVER...I know that piecing is a tough place to be. Dr. Phil says you 'own your marriage'. I say go forward with the good stuff you have but always keep your eyes open. You've worked so hard to be in that 5% that people like me will probably never see.
Work it.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
FIB~ I am going to work it... ------------------------------------------------------------ I am doing well. MY internet service is not and so I am at the library posting. I feel very grateful and very blessed to be at this point in my relationship. To have transcended the old and going towards the new. MY H and I get along better than ever and although I will admit to still worrying some that the other shoe is going to fall. I am going to work on just enjoying what is and let go.
I was reading thru ta thread and it brought up alot of thoughts for me and I tried to post yesterday and it froze. So anyway... I must say I find it interesting that some men feel like a Woman says/thinks/ SHE~ is a MARTYR for stating noone could know how it feels, I stayed and prevailed. Whatever the case may be. If a man stays the general school of thought is WHAT AN IDIOT!~
I have been thinking of that a lot lately... In our circle of friends it is "BOY he is an idiot for staying with her after she cheated in him!?"
And " WOW she has put up with so much ".... ( Martyr)
I cant change people and I accept everyones point of view... but I do not want to be looked at as a MARTYR. My H had several affairs and I stayed . And I didnt stay to corner the market on martyrdom, nor because I couldnt get anyone else. I am a beautiful Woman. I have lots of goodies in my cookie JAR! I stayed b/c I loved my H. I was presented with .. MY H wants to leave , he is divorcing me and he is having yet another affair.
This was the last time for him of trying with me.... and he hid the affair as long as he could. When I discovered it and the Tattoo... I told him goodblye.. that I wouldnt be the OW while I was still his Wife.... I let him go and I told him what scares me the most is ..
" I LOVE YOU STILL!~" "But until she is out of the picture ,, I wish you well and hope one day you will call me and say .. I am Happy.. I am a happy MAN!" " All I ever wanted was to make you happy and I guess she does, so I wish you well and I will pray for you." NO tears, real and genuine. I will pray for your happiness....
Dilema? I am still in love with a man/ my husband who has completely and totally disrespected me. I am still in love with a man who has [censored] someone else....what on Gods green Earth does that make me? STUPID! I wrestled with that/// Am I really so stupid for loving him still? The pain was immense,,, sure I had a part... I was shut down... trying my best to ride out the bad part in our M... for better or worse. it had been stuck on worse for a long time........ a very long time. I used to cry myself to sleep. And I prayed for this.... Pray to God to love him less... take the pain away and to make him a real Man! Make him the Man who could put me before anything else, be my safe place to land. Be strong and vulnerable at the same time. Make love to me and really show me he loved me thru it....
To this..... But please make me not be stupid for loving this man still. Pray to for him to be a happy man... I prayed for that every day..."PLEASE MAKE HIM HAPPY." "if his happiness is not with me then so be it , but make please make him happy." Regardless of what others thought, I knew , I wanted to save this Marriage . I never stopped loving him.. I even felt sorry for him cause he was more lost than I was.
GOD~ answered my prayers ... he blessed me to look inside myself and change who I was. Regardless of who my H was going to be I needed to love myself. Loving him flaws and all was easy but loving myself wasn't.... and loving myself and being strong is what brought him back...... My H is happy now.. he really is.
Sounds corny , sounds easy,,, it is not! I had self esteem but I was taught to love him/my husband before myself... but I never knew I didnt have to keep doing it even when he deserved nothing.... I needed to re~learn everything.
He had felt sex starved for so long and used it as an excuse to cheat. Did me suddenly reawakening my sex drive save our Marriage? Is sex really the Miracle here? Is he cured becasue he if full? I dunno ,, and all I can do is keep moving forward and keep making love to him and [censored] him too. Doing my best to find the sexual being that I am. I was t HD~ when we met... 3 to 5 times a day at times and he was HD~ too. We had kids, [censored] happened we both were blind to what we were contributing to make this bad. I was in pain he was in pain and noone knew. So I am not a MARTYR and I am not stupid... and it has nothing to do with my level of intelligence. One can be smart as hell and in matter of the heart that all goes out the window... I am a Woman who did her best ....
I have been called a Saint though... now that is another post. All my best .. ~Ali
