Phil, I am concerned for your kids. Neither you nor your wife appears to want to make some sort of schedule so the kids know what to expect. I can't remember how old they are but it sounds like they are under 10. If that's the case, 11pm, 12 midnight is very late for them to still be up.
Kids need consistency.
I am currently attending mediation with h and we have just started the parenting plan. I tried writing a parenting plan up for us last Nov and gave it to h - he just got ticked off that I 'basically made up my mind how things were going to work and didn't involve him in the decision making'. Now that we are working through it together (with a mediator present) it is working a bit better. He works terribly long and irregular hours so this makes it very hard but if we can have a baseline of what to work with, then at least I know where I have to be whether it's looking after d or working or time to myself for GAL.
Your wife seems to only want to deal with you RE the kids. Make it just about the kids. The kids seem to be getting shunted all over the place between you, their mum and their grandma, plus it seems like there's no structure or plan as to when they are at each place and it can change every single day. Is that right? Here's a suggestion. Make a timetable up like this:
Monday In the morning: [which parent are the kids with] In the afternoon [which parent are the kids with] In the evening [which parent are the kids with] Overnight [which parent are the kids with]
Do that for each day. Also add on there if the kids are changing between you and wife who does the pick up and who does the drop off. There's more to it than that but I don't know if I can post a spreadsheet on here. Have structure.
It really sounds like you need mediation (NOTE that I said mediation not mediCation) to sort this type of thing out so you can plan your life a bit better. You sound very bitter and resentful about the way things are. Unfortunately, I don't know what it's like where you live but I had to wait for 6 months for an appointment for mediation. And also know that, mediation, is NOT counselling. But it CAN help. If you don't want mediation say to wife "I want to provide some structure for the kids, can we sit down and work out a timetable?" It won't be easy, she will be defensive but your kids deserve the consistency.
Stop focussing on what your wife is doing or not doing. Tell us about your kids.
Last edited by Purple; 07/19/0801:59 AM.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
The part about you telling her not to shut you out of her life is remarkable.
The woman left you.
You ARE out, buddy.
And you have consistently screwed up every single opportunity you've had to make that woman think she might have made a mistake.
Waiting 10 minutes to answer a text is not going dark.
Ignoring questions about the children is not going dark.
Setting up a friggin schedule that would BENEFIT the kids and then sticking TO the damn thing would eliminate the majority of your bullsh*t contact with your wife AND perhaps allow you to REALLY 'go dark'.
Do you think setting up the living room like a pirate playground, folding laundry once in a while, picking them up from wherever the hell they've been left at and bitching about pull-ups is all there is to parenting?
Parenting is putting yourself LAST in line and tending to your children's NEEDS no matter HOW uncomfortable or inconvenient that might be. You AND your wife could stand some lessons in that area.
Do you want to repeat the piss poor parenting plan of your mom and dad? Well that is exactly what you are doing. And those children are going to grow up and act exactly the way that you and your wife act. YOU are going to be accountable for that one day. YOU are going to stand right in front of God and give account for every single bratty, negligent, assinine thing you do that those kids suffer for and I'm telling right now you are not going to get away with pointing at your wife at that time and saying "But she....".
YOU have been respectfully and lovingly told by the people on this board that you are doing things that are UNHEALTHY for the children that God has ENTRUSTED to your care. YOU are CHOOSING to ignore it all for the sake of serving PHIL.
All the praying, posturing and rosary stroking in the world is not going to help you come Judgment Day and I don't care WHAT church you belong to.
Straighten up, grow up and get your sh*t together!
A SLEW of people have left you and it is not because they lack patience. It is because YOU ARE NOT TEACHABLE. Your spirit is so full of garbage that you can't see reality that countless people have pointed out to you.
Before you go any further down this dead end road I hope to God you will be struck with revelation knowledge that absolutely crushes you.
Because if that doesn't happen, your kids are the ones that are going to get crushed.
And when that happens all you are going to have to do is take a few steps to a mirror to see for yourself the reason why.
This has gone beyond ridiculous.
It is shameful.
You are on a website where people from all walks of life with various experiences are trying daily to help you. Some might consider that a blessing, Phil. You however, DEMAND the full spotlight and ban people from even speaking to one another in passing on your thread. I know damn well that's exactly what you are like in your real, day to day life, too. "ME, ME, ME" that's all you care about. Well I'm sorry as hell that mommy and daddy didn't make you feel special enough as a child and you've grown up to toot your own horn to the point that everyone around you just wants to throw right the hell up. YOU ARE THE PARENT NOW. Do something DIFFERENT.
TRY BEING A FATHER.
Act like you have some damn sense and take control of those kids. Believe me I know firsthand that it's not easy to do but I have done it and I've done it recently so I know what I'm talking about. If you can't figure out how to be a responsible parent on your own, go get a damn book from the library.
ENOUGH with the procrastination and excuses! YOU are the spiritual leader of that house and if your wife wants to ride off down the highway to hell you hush your mouth and let her. Take care of your kids. Get them on a schedule. Give them some structure. Let her go whip in the wind. YOU have bigger issues to deal with not the least of which is your own selfishness and arrogance.
I know it's extremely hard, but developing some empathy for your wife would do you so much good. And respect - did you at some point have respect for her, or did you just "tolerate" her?
Good question....
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Trust me there was about a million things I wanted to say on text back there. I just erased it. I said this is not getting me closer to my goal.
good... getting warmer..........
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Nearly every post to you, this one included, is coming from the heart and with the intent to help you.
Very true,, you just dont seem to see the blessing it is to have someone post to you.. it takes time and effort... and everyones post are trying to help you open your eyes and get to your goals..........
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I can't pray anymore than I already am... can I?
Last time I checked there is no limit on prayer....
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phil, your expectations of your wife are way too high. they have to at be rock bottom. it will your life much easier. also, you don't know if she will ever come back, that is a defeatist attitude. trust in the Lord, pray for your wife
Let go and let GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I having been asking her to stop shutting me out of her life. Stop using the kids to communicate information about what she is intending to do. She would have the kids call me and totally avoid talking to me at all. I asked her. I said you wanted to be my friend through this but you never extend friendship. She is completely detached and doesn't even communicate. I have expressed this since the day she left.
Then one time she did come in to talk to me and I ignored her because I didn't know what dark truly was. I was walking away shutting the door not looking like a lost puppy seeking her affection and attention. She got pissed about that. She said you want me to talk to you and I'm talking to you but you will not even look at me.
Then I do keep telling her to stop shutting me out of her life. She does it anyway.
Then she gets back on these little tidbits. Would text me in the evening. Ask me little quesions during the day. Now I answer them all, but I'm not jumping on it right away. Then I leave her alone again. Like she wants to see how bad I am there waiting for her.
However the shoe is not worn on the other foot. If I attempt to communicate with her. She doesn't get back in a timely manner if she even gets back at all. When she wants to communicate with me then she goes ape nuts and starts the phone marathon.
Maybe she just didn't have anything she wanted to ask me because she is completely dead to me. I pushed her away to far.
?
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Then just now I had an epiphany.
There is nothing I can do to help her anymore. But there is. I can stop making it worse.
You know I looked over at her and I said she isn't my wife. She is someone else. I don't love the person she is now. I loved the woman before this new person came before the aliens came and go her. Is she really different?
yes she is really different she is lost some and you frankly are too ... who are you really? Maybe she is completely bonkers... but you focusing on her bad behavior so much isnt helping............
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I put those kitchen cabinents in. I I I I II I I I I I II IIII I I I I II I. I installed my own faucet. I did it. I went to work full time. I went to school full time. I invented the flux capacitor. No I didn't do that.
What did she accomplish?
You seem to really have zero respect for her...... the whole laundry thing has me confused now... do you do for her out of genuine love or to kiss her a** or because in you mind she is just to stupid to do it herself...
and did you ever think hoosiermania is it? PHIL!!!!!! stay with me here did you ever think it was a blessing his computer was acting up?
Maybe GOD,, wanted you to read it that may times so it would sink in.
I will continue to pray for you but know this you are not accepting the blessings you are getting.. you are getting so much good advice and then instead of accepting it as their point of view you get defensive.. some posters would kill for this kind of advice in their thread. And here you have it right in front of you... I dont get it....when are you going to stop focusing on all her faults and focus on you and your kids?
I am not attacking.. it just saddens me that you cant see your blessings.... in my opinion and you dont have to listen or attack me or even give it any thought that is the beauty of this forum...
YOU need to really pray and get real humble... so you can be the Man God calls you to be.... You are suppossed to give w/o expecting anything in return from your heart.
When you really do this you will be a happy Man whether she comes back or not and in the end your kids will benefit from it..... HUMBLE~ not a doormat... not a DAM... I dont even know what that is.... not an a** kisser But humble and loving in a way that makes a real Woman want to go to the ends of the Earth just for you....
Humble, vulnerable and strong with respect....
When your knees are sore cause you have been truly humbly praying for your salvation and hers and your precious children.
Not for her to come back , not for her to be nice to you .. but for her and you and your kids to be genuinely happy... then you will have understood all I am trying to say to you.
All my best to you.. and God bless your little ones.... I hope God can soften your heart and make you see what he has already placed at your feet. You may be going thru a living hell...
I HAVE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT... but there are still blessings every day to be thankful for... think about that..... Please...
I will check on you and see if you are going to make efforts to really change or if you are still complaining about her soon... Please surprise me.... Not for me but for you PHIL~
AmyC. NO Sh|T duh! The problem is my mind wasn't right. Stop beating me the F up. Ok. I think I almost have it.
There was some really BS crap that went down tonight. Had to leave the movies early. Son was being so whiney and bad. Kept saying he was bored. We were watching batman for crying out loud. Called wife. Are you home. She states she will be home in five minutes, went to Burger King because she didn't eat all day. Cool because son was so whiney at movies we had to leave. Ok bye cya there.
Sitting on the steps waiting for her cuddling with kids.
She shows up like a sex kitten. NICE! Burger king bags in hand.
She is nice. She says you know I'm on call tomorrow for work. I ignore her it is so noisy on her street. She says it again from the distance. I still ignore her. She comes closer and says it again.
I said yes I know you are on call. D has a game at three. She says something smart. Ok well I'm on call at night. I said ok.
Then she gets sh|tty. Ok, you can leave now there mine.
I was like in blow up mode. This is why we are home early because your son just wanted to see you after work but you did something inconsiderate. This is why we have problems with these kids. Oh yeah well you can act like the good daddy and hug them on the steps. She walked in the house and shut the door.
Man I just left.
I texted her: When are we going to get along.
Immediately she say NOW.
I said How.
She text Stop picking fights with me.
Sorry I feel it is the other way around. I'm not picking fights. I'm going crazy. I'm in hell.
There is a bunch more texting... but finally she says good night.
I text good night and that is that.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!
If she wanted to get along she would have never left. She would have never acted or protrayed herself like she did. She would have never pushed me into the pit of hell. She would have never have pushed me ever.
Her daddy fixed her washer machine so it doesn't leak.
Hopefully there will be no more laundry stories....
Really I saw it as a favor. I did the remainder of her laundry or the kids laundry and made sure it was folded when she was done with work. One less thing she had to worry about.
No I didn't do it for a reward either.
When we got married. I told her. You don't want to work. I'm not doing any inside chores. If you get a job in the future then I'll do my share.
Yeah, I know my kids are hurting. My son is really hurting. His mother got off work today and went straight home. Didn't bother to see if he wanted to be with her. She looked out for her own selfish behavior again.
I'm the one that decided to go to the movies. Let her do whatever she wants. During that mess..
You know I texted her. Yes I was the husband that wanted to make love to you everyday. But I never showed affection.
Make love. NOT SEX!
I would wear the womans skin.... I love every single little detail about her. Everything. I could not even compare that to someone else.
The high five and the money dance. Which is what I asked not to be done on my thread. Pat each other on the back. Sayings things in circles and then agreeing with one another. I think the demons here on the board are worse then my situation. Trying to keep up with all the nonsense is really mind boggling.
One thing has become upbundantly clear to me. You are all nuts!
Is what I'm doing working for me? Yes, I'm getting better everyday. I'm realising even though I love my wife and will never stop loving her, I don't need her. Yes I want her. The real question is: Is what you are doing working for you? Have you reconciled?
I don't need anymore of her torture. I don't need anymore of her controlling, b|tching, or poor a$$ behavior. I simply do not care for it, and it is not affecting me.
She is gone. She may never come back. That is something I will have to accept. I'm starting to think I'm better off without her.
Now this next paragraph is irrelavant, but I hope it helps you. Figgied didn't need to put in the post to cause confusion. If you want to talk to someone about there figgy problem do it elsewhere it was anonying enough the fact that they figgied in the first place.
As a computer tech I think figgy is mad click disease. It gets you users in lots of trouble sometimes. Take your time, read, research. Fix your own computer. Don't break it. Let the page try to load before you hit submit again and again. If you are afraid of losing what you wrote. Copy it to the clip board. Check to see if it posted. If it didn't then repaste it and submit again.
Take your time, read. LostPhils posts. You people have in the innate ability to follow simple directions.
Do not high five each other on LostPhils thread. LostPhil asked this in his first threads. I don't care for your click. This should not be a click. LostPhil needs to work on making Phil happy. LostPhil doesn't need to go backwards. Phil always goes forwards.
I'm moving forward. I'm going to walk with the Lord. I only wish I could be like Enoch.
Phil....
This is over the top. You must be respectful if you wish to continue posting here.
sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
