I thought I would try and put words about my affair. Married 23 years with 3 kids (only 1 left in school) who I met on my travels and brought back here. She was alone in anew country and not having a big family myself relied on developing friendships. We both worked long hours, never at the same time so saw each other only about 2-3 hrs a day and then tiredness from work and kids took its toll. She was a strongly opiniated lady and screamed alot at kids and me, I dont think maliciously but thats the way it came across. About 10 years ago I started to feel diffrent as I was tired from the screaming. Feelings of not being loved and unappreciated started and no doubt she may have felt the same. The first PC at home allowed me to look at internet sites and over the next few years talked with women, (I claimed either separation or being divorced) started friendships that really didnt last mor ethan a few weeks (although I did develop strong friendships with those who I did tell my real situation from my perspective), had a coffee or two but never led to anything. A big fight 7 years ago between my wife and my parents was quite stressful ( she threw them from teh hosue where they had lived with us for 10 years having given up theri home to fund a deposit) and to today she rarely makes contact with them unless for certain occssions. The feelings of being unappreciated have grown over the past 3 years as 2-3 week long business trips several times a year. Business travels have resulted on my return being told by her and sometimes the older children why did I come back, we know you are back cause you make the house smell, I am going to divorce you, take all your money- all meant to be as a joke as I have now found out. Our communication has been getting worse over 10 years where we rarely talk except about who will be looking after the kids or household matters, and our sex life has dried up over the past 15 yaers. - I recall her saying sex disgusted her many times. She has been going through menopause in the past 2 years.
I also took up a hobby that led me to go away for 1-2 times a year for 2 weeks. A friend commented the other day that they thought I had a marriage problem because of the time I spent alone away from home. The other issue we have had is finance as I tried to manage a balance budget but it always became the source of a fight at least weekly.
About 18 mths ago I started to look at an internet dating site, spoke on line with a couple of women, met for coffee. However, 6 mths ago I met a single woman (twice divorced and 1 year older) who after about 6 weeks of talking on line and phone conversations met up, then a month later (she lives about 2000 miles away) we met up and at that time had sex. A few visits and daily chatting created a happy situation for me where I felt very comfortable and happy for the first time in a long time. About 6 weeks ago I told my wife after another argument and her threat of divorce that OK I will leave. After a couple of weeks she realised I was seeing someone, verbally threatened that person with a SMS and started monitoring my calls and I think harrassing that person with calls then hanging up.
To be brief, we are probably going to separate as she doesnt want to be second choice and wants to protect HER kids. We went to a counsellor who said she needed to protect herself as all of this has been quite a shock for her. I find it hard that she did not pick up over the past 2 years that there was something wrong in our marriage while a friend did - our failure to communicate.
While my emotions/feelings for this other person are high, if my wife and I move to separate I want to do so amicably. I still love and care for her and the children and would never hurt her o rteh children. The problem is even now we havent been able to communicate, her trust in me is gone.
Reading the articles on this website and others have perhaps clarified for me typical "husband" (read cheater) trying to rationalize why I did this. I have also gone back to my faith which tells me I have done wrong, but it also tells me that either work this out or to avoid hurting my wife, ie. leave. As well it tells me that both of us should try and be friends afterwards, as hard as that may be.
The statistics tell me that making a success of a life with this other woman will be hard but I think that what attracted us was perhaps her stronger faith and my need to renew my faith, as well as her goodness in helping other people (she is involved in numerous community activities in her city). She also tells me that for the first ime in her life she feels loved and willing to put faith in our relationship, despite how it started.
So thats where it is - I dont think I can resolve with my wife as still now we cant talk about things without her trying to put conditions - I feel like I am being pushed out. While she now realises she wasnt perfect in our marriage she doesnt want to talk about how we can resolve any of our problems with out her saying I must end the affair and she will monitor me closely. The counsellor has said she must get her self together. At this stage there is another person involved and while you can say that she and I knew what would happen, I dont want to hurt her.
So my wife is being treated for depression, I feel depressed and unhappy but we havent even got to talking and about our core issues of the marriage. I am not sure what to do but feel moving out separating and dicorce seem the only options.
