Trixi trying to find moorage

[Trixi]

Well.
First the gifts. He liked the keychain. He saw the box for the photo frame and says "Oh, my mom got me one of these too. Only the one she gave me was 12 inches... I'll keep this one in the bedroom." (Mine was only 7 inches.) I had loaded a bunch of pics and "I Will Possess Your Heart" on an SD card. Now, before you all freak out on the music choice, we heard it last week on the way to hiking and he really liked it. Plus, admittedly, it did seem a little apropos. Anywho- I told him to plug in the frame and when the song started up he was like "Hey! Cool! That's such a great song" and then he watched one run thru of the song's worth of pics. He gave me a nice kiss and said they were "excellent gifts".

That part is good.

Next.
Go to restuarant for dinner, seated outside by the lake; very nice. We're having a fine time, I ask if he knows anyone that would want to go to Steely Dan with us and he starts suggesting our DD, and different friends of MINE. I should have shut up. I really should have-but instead I say "yeah, gotta keep it under wraps; wouldn't want to invite anyone you know." So then he says that maybe his roommate would want to go. whatever. By now my mood has started to go south. Later I say "so you're staying over?" (because I wanted to tell him I needed to stop at the store) and he says "actually, no. I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow." I say "sheesh, it's not like I hold you hostage!" and he laughs. But now I am ticked. That was a totally bogus excuse. He's stayed over when he had to get up at 6am to go snowboarding, so that's just lame.

As I am stewing in my juices he says "what are you thinking about?" I said I was mad and disappointed. Then he says "Well, I have [guy friend] staying with me and he doesn't live there. I feel like I should be there." Can I leave that alone? Can I be gracious? Of course not. I say "isn't he staying there to help you finish up things in the yard? It's not like he's an out of town guest that you're supposed to be entertaining. You're paying him money to stay there and help." By now I am in a real free fall and I tear up. UGH. And the crux of the matter is NOT the friend, or not staying over--it's how it 'reads'.

Anyway, I didn't totally lose it, but I know he was getting irritated. By the time we get to his car to go, I tell him I understand. And he says "Really? seems like you're still upset." Then he takes my hand and says "You sad cuz I won't stay over?" I explained that it's not that, it how it "reads" to me. Like he couldn't care less.

I said "If it were me, I would have said "I really wish I could stay over, but I have my friend at the house and it feels weird to just leave him there by himself. I'm bummed out too because we're celebrating my birthday, but I really feel like I need to be there when he wakes up."" He says "Well, how do you know I *wasn't* thinking that?" and I said "how would I know that you were?"
My final point was that the original reason was lame and it started out the convo on a bad foot. He said he could see my point. And I said "Why not just tell me the real reason to start with?" and he said "I don't know. Bad communication, I guess." (Why does he hand me reasons to mention retro?) I said I hoped he would really consider retro. (Please, no 2x4s, I know I was out of control.)

Went to see Wall-E. Awww! Love it!

To my H's credit, he held my hand in the car on the way to the movie, he put his arm around me and pulled me in close at the movie (unusual to be that snuggly), held my hand in the car after; snuggled on the couch; [censored]; nice kiss good bye.

Since he's gone home, I have been feeling badly that I gave him such a hard time; I thought about it more and I am pretty sure the guy staying with him can't drive (DUI), which means the guy was stuck at the house. I probably would have felt the same way my H did.

I feel like a heel. My frame of mind sucks. Tonight's events shouldn't have thrown me into a tailspin, but I am so anxious for a sign to know what direction to go, I am reading into everything.

So, I guess tomorrow I will call and apologize for not being more compassionate.