Im done.

[bluerain]

Sooners, I do love him, if he came home tomorrow I would still try, right now I can say that even in a few months I would still try. Even after all of this, I love him more than he will ever know. But I cant keep feeling like this. I will forever be thankful for the good time that I had with him, but its up to him now. I cant keep waiting to heal from this. I have to start now to get a move on with my life, I beleive thats what God wants. I do know that anything is possible with God, including me finding myself and my happiness. Im not ready to file, and Im not ready start dating, but Im not going to keep feeling like this, expecting him to come around. I think that I have forgiven him, for a large part of what happened, maybe not all of it, certainly not all of it, but I dont want to carry anger around with me. There isnt time to feel like this anymore, Ive been told to not be surprised if he calls in a few months wanting to reconcile, but Im not holding my breath anymore.

H was here today. I dont know what he came out to do, or get, I dont really want to. I texted him and asked him to please let me know when hes going to come out here, I said it makes me uncomfortable to know that someones been in my house. He said that he thought about letting me know, but he didnt. I said its ok, but maybe next time, Ok? He said ok, but so far he hasnt respected anything else Ive said, so Im not sure what to expect.

I have classes starting again in 4 weeks, Im signed up for 17 credits, Im probably going to have to drop some classes, but probably just 1. I wont be able to work enough to pay the mortgage and go to school full time, even if I could, I dont think I could handle it! I have to get back in shape to stay on my path to my future. Hes taken so much from me already, I wont let him have that.

I know that there are some feet under me somewhere, its time to find them.