Who the heck am I kidding, things changed after ML on the 4th, W a day after that went dark and has been that way since. Her telling me that she wanted me to reach out more was a farse IMO if that was what she truly wanted I would think she would be more receiptive. I think the 4th was to be goodbye sex and it screwed with her mind, hell it screwed with mine, she might have felt something she wasn't expecting or didn't want to ever feel again. She is back to treating me exactly like she did before she moved out, I am invisible. So I ask myself, go dark stay dark or continue to get the door slammed shut in my face hum....
I'm not asking for the world here but a bone would be nice even though I know it won't get thrown, something, anything my mind is getting tired of being played with I believe it was easier dealing with the out right anger than this. Kinda reminds me of a prisoner on death row, walking that walk sitting in the chair and then all of a sudden the phone rings and you get a stay, then it's back to the cell. Where the hell is the key I need to let myself out...
Was going to contact W tonight but something in my pea brain says no that wouldn't be a good thing, having trouble swallowing the attitude. What are you waiting for you have seen the changes you acknowledge the changes but still not sure of them okay more work is needed I like myself now why don't you...
Okay dummy you yourself have said it took years to get here it ain't gonna happen anytime soon yes I know that she knows that, but there comes a point when a decision needs to be made to act or not act limbo is a dance not a life to live...
Hey DAM, you are beginning to backslide on your self what gives??? ML really screwed with you didn't it, yeah it did I saw her eyes they didn't lie, yet the opposite is happening it wasn't suppose to go that direction...
Brian you have to let go, get back to where you were before the 4th put your mind at ease you can't change it you know that are you going to allow 1 night to mess up what has taken months to achieve is 1 night worth all of that...
You were moving forward before that night, you were being the you that you wanted to be that is why she came...
Thanks for lettin me rant and rave it helped to a point...
Brian, you have to remember that God will not do anything on your timeline. In fact, I believe that when we question him, he makes us wait longer just to prove a point, you know..messing with you.
Quote:
Hey DAM, you are beginning to backslide on your self what gives??? ML really screwed with you didn't it, yeah it did I saw her eyes they didn't lie, yet the opposite is happening it wasn't suppose to go that direction...
ML with a WAS is a huge catch 22. You want to so bad, but you do not think of the ramifications of the act itself. I would bet you weren't thinking that night about how you were going to feel a week later where you? I bet you weren't thinking, maybe this doesn't mean anything were you? I also bet you weren't thinking that this was going to mess with you emotionally were you? Don't fret my friend, us men were not intended to think properly at that point in time. It's difficult to do what with the lack of blood flowing through the right brain at the time.
Quote:
Brian you have to let go, get back to where you were before the 4th put your mind at ease you can't change it you know that are you going to allow 1 night to mess up what has taken months to achieve is 1 night worth all of that...
And you are reaching the stage where you are answering your own questions. That is a good thing. This statement is 100% accurate. Things are no different today then they were the day before this happened.
Find that place again, you need it. You have my number, if you need to call....call......
Who the heck am I kidding, things changed after ML on the 4th, W a day after that went dark and has been that way since. Her telling me that she wanted me to reach out more was a farse IMO if that was what she truly wanted I would think she would be more receiptive. I think the 4th was to be goodbye sex and it screwed with her mind, hell it screwed with mine, she might have felt something she wasn't expecting or didn't want to ever feel again. She is back to treating me exactly like she did before she moved out, I am invisible. So I ask myself, go dark stay dark or continue to get the door slammed shut in my face hum....
I'm not asking for the world here but a bone would be nice even though I know it won't get thrown, something, anything my mind is getting tired of being played with I believe it was easier dealing with the out right anger than this. Kinda reminds me of a prisoner on death row, walking that walk sitting in the chair and then all of a sudden the phone rings and you get a stay, then it's back to the cell. Where the hell is the key I need to let myself out...
Was going to contact W tonight but something in my pea brain says no that wouldn't be a good thing, having trouble swallowing the attitude. What are you waiting for you have seen the changes you acknowledge the changes but still not sure of them okay more work is needed I like myself now why don't you...
Okay dummy you yourself have said it took years to get here it ain't gonna happen anytime soon yes I know that she knows that, but there comes a point when a decision needs to be made to act or not act limbo is a dance not a life to live...
Hey DAM, you are beginning to backslide on your self what gives??? ML really screwed with you didn't it, yeah it did I saw her eyes they didn't lie, yet the opposite is happening it wasn't suppose to go that direction...
Brian you have to let go, get back to where you were before the 4th put your mind at ease you can't change it you know that are you going to allow 1 night to mess up what has taken months to achieve is 1 night worth all of that...
You were moving forward before that night, you were being the you that you wanted to be that is why she came...
Thanks for lettin me rant and rave it helped to a point...
'do work'
Brian
Brian,
you and I have talked about this..Triggers..you have a trigger going off right now. You know what it is. Deal with it and move forward. Now is not the time to catch the coaster. Now is the time to regain where you were.
You know what to do. Stop guessing, stop assuming. Just do it. I told you the "deed" messed her up. I told you what I thought the "deed" could have been. If it was what we think it might have been and it screwed her up and made her pause then I think that's a good thing, It's positive, even though she is dark.
Get your head on straight and DB.
Now it appears you have Ian's number and you have mine. You know that you can call my cell ANYTIME day or night..
Brian, you have to remember that God will not do anything on your timeline. In fact, I believe that when we question him, he makes us wait longer just to prove a point, you know..messing with you.
Quote:
Hey DAM, you are beginning to backslide on your self what gives??? ML really screwed with you didn't it, yeah it did I saw her eyes they didn't lie, yet the opposite is happening it wasn't suppose to go that direction...
ML with a WAS is a huge catch 22. You want to so bad, but you do not think of the ramifications of the act itself. I would bet you weren't thinking that night about how you were going to feel a week later where you? I bet you weren't thinking, maybe this doesn't mean anything were you? I also bet you weren't thinking that this was going to mess with you emotionally were you? Don't fret my friend, us men were not intended to think properly at that point in time. It's difficult to do what with the lack of blood flowing through the right brain at the time.
Quote:
Brian you have to let go, get back to where you were before the 4th put your mind at ease you can't change it you know that are you going to allow 1 night to mess up what has taken months to achieve is 1 night worth all of that...
And you are reaching the stage where you are answering your own questions. That is a good thing. This statement is 100% accurate. Things are no different today then they were the day before this happened.
Find that place again, you need it. You have my number, if you need to call....call......
Ian
Ian...
I appreciate you taking the time to post to my rambling journaling. Yes won't disagree I think too much, just another thing my father raised me to be a logical thinking DAM. When I was in my 30's and after his 1st quad heart bypass, that SOB had the nerve to look at me and say forget everything I ever raised you to be, I raised you to be a man not a person. What the hell are you suppose to do with that???
God that is a whole other subject, you see he and I haven't always seen eye to eye on things, I blamed him for alot of things that weren't his fault that I thought he had control over. As I walk this path of self awareness I am finding he is only the guiding light it is up to us to follow or not.
I will answer this with all of the honesty I can, that night when I was shaking as though it were the first time, I was wrong, I realize now I was shaking because I had totally put her needs 1st. I was shaking cause I was scared of the hurt that it would cause me but I let go and gave the most important thing I could 'me' with no strings attached even though in my mind it would kill me and probably meant nothing to her other than a test, I kept the strings to me. I thought I was man enough to handle it and take it for what it was worth, but I was wrong. It wasn't the act that hurt so much it was her comment of she didn't regret doing it, that's what hurt. I guess God got even for all the 1 night stands I did as a young man, what goes around comes around.
You are right things are no different today then they were on July 3rd, I am no closer to my goal if anything a bit further away IMO. As most men I am black or white there is no gray, that is the battle to beat not my WAW.
Who the heck am I kidding, things changed after ML on the 4th, W a day after that went dark and has been that way since. Her telling me that she wanted me to reach out more was a farse IMO if that was what she truly wanted I would think she would be more receiptive. I think the 4th was to be goodbye sex and it screwed with her mind, hell it screwed with mine, she might have felt something she wasn't expecting or didn't want to ever feel again. She is back to treating me exactly like she did before she moved out, I am invisible. So I ask myself, go dark stay dark or continue to get the door slammed shut in my face hum....
I'm not asking for the world here but a bone would be nice even though I know it won't get thrown, something, anything my mind is getting tired of being played with I believe it was easier dealing with the out right anger than this. Kinda reminds me of a prisoner on death row, walking that walk sitting in the chair and then all of a sudden the phone rings and you get a stay, then it's back to the cell. Where the hell is the key I need to let myself out...
Was going to contact W tonight but something in my pea brain says no that wouldn't be a good thing, having trouble swallowing the attitude. What are you waiting for you have seen the changes you acknowledge the changes but still not sure of them okay more work is needed I like myself now why don't you...
Okay dummy you yourself have said it took years to get here it ain't gonna happen anytime soon yes I know that she knows that, but there comes a point when a decision needs to be made to act or not act limbo is a dance not a life to live...
Hey DAM, you are beginning to backslide on your self what gives??? ML really screwed with you didn't it, yeah it did I saw her eyes they didn't lie, yet the opposite is happening it wasn't suppose to go that direction...
Brian you have to let go, get back to where you were before the 4th put your mind at ease you can't change it you know that are you going to allow 1 night to mess up what has taken months to achieve is 1 night worth all of that...
You were moving forward before that night, you were being the you that you wanted to be that is why she came...
Thanks for lettin me rant and rave it helped to a point...
'do work'
Brian
Brian,
you and I have talked about this..Triggers..you have a trigger going off right now. You know what it is. Deal with it and move forward. Now is not the time to catch the coaster. Now is the time to regain where you were.
You know what to do. Stop guessing, stop assuming. Just do it. I told you the "deed" messed her up. I told you what I thought the "deed" could have been. If it was what we think it might have been and it screwed her up and made her pause then I think that's a good thing, It's positive, even though she is dark.
Get your head on straight and DB.
Now it appears you have Ian's number and you have mine. You know that you can call my cell ANYTIME day or night..
You hang in there.
Mike...
Seeing the certified letter receipt in the mail box has me really screwed up right now, I was not prepared to see something like that, I know I don't know what it is and won't know til tomorrow but too many oddities have happend and it has me in a tail spin, I am not acting but reacting and am angry, the pressure of other things which you know about are clouding my judgement and am unable to process things 1 at a time right now I am losing everything I have spent the last 12 years trying to get, I have no strength to draw from. Working out tonight didn't even help, throw on top of that D11 called me to thank me for womething I had gotten her and told me that her sister was taking her to a sleep over tonight, I said mommy isn't taking you? She says no I don't know where she is at.
My mind is racing with all of the doubt that I have worked so hard to get rid of I am melting
Seeing the certified letter receipt in the mail box has me really screwed up right now, I was not prepared to see something like that, I know I don't know what it is and won't know til tomorrow but too many oddities have happend and it has me in a tail spin, I am not acting but reacting and am angry, the pressure of other things which you know about are clouding my judgement and am unable to process things 1 at a time right now I am losing everything I have spent the last 12 years trying to get, I have no strength to draw from
.
Lets see what the letter is before we jump to conclusions. Go get in bed Brian, go to sleep. You need to rest now. If W calls or text, BE STILL..
I tired to call, you did not answer. My phone is on.
