Brian, you have to remember that God will not do anything on your timeline. In fact, I believe that when we question him, he makes us wait longer just to prove a point, you know..messing with you.
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Hey DAM, you are beginning to backslide on your self what gives??? ML really screwed with you didn't it, yeah it did I saw her eyes they didn't lie, yet the opposite is happening it wasn't suppose to go that direction...
ML with a WAS is a huge catch 22. You want to so bad, but you do not think of the ramifications of the act itself. I would bet you weren't thinking that night about how you were going to feel a week later where you? I bet you weren't thinking, maybe this doesn't mean anything were you? I also bet you weren't thinking that this was going to mess with you emotionally were you? Don't fret my friend, us men were not intended to think properly at that point in time. It's difficult to do what with the lack of blood flowing through the right brain at the time.
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Brian you have to let go, get back to where you were before the 4th put your mind at ease you can't change it you know that are you going to allow 1 night to mess up what has taken months to achieve is 1 night worth all of that...
And you are reaching the stage where you are answering your own questions. That is a good thing. This statement is 100% accurate. Things are no different today then they were the day before this happened.
Find that place again, you need it. You have my number, if you need to call....call......
Ian
Ian...
I appreciate you taking the time to post to my rambling journaling. Yes won't disagree I think too much, just another thing my father raised me to be a logical thinking DAM. When I was in my 30's and after his 1st quad heart bypass, that SOB had the nerve to look at me and say forget everything I ever raised you to be, I raised you to be a man not a person. What the hell are you suppose to do with that???
God that is a whole other subject, you see he and I haven't always seen eye to eye on things, I blamed him for alot of things that weren't his fault that I thought he had control over. As I walk this path of self awareness I am finding he is only the guiding light it is up to us to follow or not.
I will answer this with all of the honesty I can, that night when I was shaking as though it were the first time, I was wrong, I realize now I was shaking because I had totally put her needs 1st. I was shaking cause I was scared of the hurt that it would cause me but I let go and gave the most important thing I could 'me' with no strings attached even though in my mind it would kill me and probably meant nothing to her other than a test, I kept the strings to me. I thought I was man enough to handle it and take it for what it was worth, but I was wrong. It wasn't the act that hurt so much it was her comment of she didn't regret doing it, that's what hurt. I guess God got even for all the 1 night stands I did as a young man, what goes around comes around.
You are right things are no different today then they were on July 3rd, I am no closer to my goal if anything a bit further away IMO. As most men I am black or white there is no gray, that is the battle to beat not my WAW.
