Separated 3 Months & Counting...

[TwinDad]

Iamlost,

Thank you for sharing that with me. As me and my W had infertility issues I can somewhat relate. In fact it is because of these that I am Twindad and not some other name. In our case, it was issues with my W and she had some major insecurities with this. I can also understand to an extent the insecurities you felt due to your problem with your H. In the handful of times when I have not been able to do my part my W would feel very rejected and take it personnally also the pressure that would placed upon me was pretty immense (to the point where it would enter my mind for the next several love sessions....afterall I want my W to be happy). I can only imagine what this is like on a regular basis for both of you.

Since then, I've apologized in many ways for the hurtful things I said, and told him that I will accept him even if the problem never changes, that I love him unconditionally, but he doesn't believe me, thinks I'll be better off without him, that he ruined our relationship (when he's sad) and when he's angry thinks I am a b+&%# that he hates.

I feel like standing with him, loving him, being his friend, despite everything, is the only way I can show him that I love him unconditionally. I haven't done a very consistent job with that so far

SAVE THIS PART...this is very important to your R. You can talk till you are blue in the face...he needs to see it, actions will show it. So ask yourself, How can you show him that this is not an issue for you? Consistency is the key....backslides are human, but the more consistant you are in your efforts the quicker this happens. He needs to believe and trust that you will love him and not hold this against him. He needs to be shown that your love is not conditional like it has been before.

He says he thinks YOU will be better off without him (heard that one several times). Why do you think that is the case. As twisted as it sounds this is actualy love on his part. He realizes he may not be able to give you the child the two of you want, he is not sure if he can get over the resentment and love you like you should beloved. He is ashamed of his acting out (affairs..etc). My W showed many of the same feelings. When she would say "You would be better off with someone else", I would ljust say, you may feel that way and I understand, but it is my decision to decide if I would be better off with or without you.

IT sounds like having children is very important to the both of you. We dealt with my W's issues for years until she was willing to face them (hence having twins at the ripe old age of 36). I loved her during this time, but there was a part of me that resented having to wait this long in life. THese are very personal issues as you are well aware. I am pretty educated on infertility, have you explored other alternatives that don't affect his mood. I know they can actually remove the sperm and not require intercourse or even ejaculation and then combine it with an egg in an Invitro Fertilization Cycle. THis isn't cheap, but it is a drop in the bucket compared to what you will spend on children the remaining 20+ years until they become independent. Becoming eductated in something like this might be an action you could take that would show your unconditional love and take pressure off him. There are many on-line fertility support groups on-line that can be very helpful with this.

I would give you a link but I don't want to break the rules
(SG....would this be OK?)

"Can you love someone and resent them completely at the same time?

Absolutely, my W did it for many years....sadly, myself as well. Some people have a very hard time letting go of resentment and forgiving. There is a a Mother Teresa quote that goes something like this "In order to love, one must first learn to forgive". The lady knew what she was talking about. Truly learning how to forgive (you and him) is very liberating. This is something worth seeing an IC about.

All in all I don't agree with your H's actions, but it seems pretty clear he is acting out. In a subconscience way, he might even be doing it to get you to be the one to D him (a bizarre act of love because he believes you are better off without him). He seems very depressed.

This isn't going to be easy, but I think the first step is practicing what you preached up above in spite of the possible hurt it might cause you. Of course we all have limits and you have to decide what your are.

As the LBS, the first action and consistency is in your court....his will follow (Sometimes with a delay)

Anyways....I hope this helps a bit. Remember, patience, baby steps, and actions on your part are very important.

Best Wishes!