NikB #27 (still tentatively Piecing)

[NikB]

Thanks all!! Wow I am way behind on posting an update.

(((ST))) (((Michelle))) (((Donna))) (((Mary)))

Means so much to me to hear from all of you.

ST and Donna - yes, definitely feeling the need to get to that more open talk and soon. More in a minute on that.

Michelle - it finally cooled off, thank goodness!! I was doing the same thing, working really late just to enjoy the corporate A/C.

Mary - I'll see if I can find a way to post links to my earlier threads. I know I saved them someplace! I should really keep track of them all anyway. Bet it would be a crazy read for me someday.

How?? Well.. a LOT of patience, more than I ever thought I had in me, and more time than I ever thought it could possibly take. A lot of work on myself, and I still feel like I have SO far to go... letting go of control, that was and continues to be the biggest thing for me. No preachy stuff.. I know you'll have plenty of time to think through what you really want, if it comes to a reconciliation talk with your H.

I think it's time for you to attend your niece or nephew's birthday party!!

So a quick update... things continue to be going well. I met my goal of getting back to more GAL activities this week and it felt great!

Next goal is to begin opening up to H more.

In the last couple of weeks I found myself myself almost shutting down on him (nothing he did, I know it was all me). It wasn't even walking on eggshells, it's hard to explain, but I found myself just wanting a whole different life. Like it would be SO much easier to just start over. Wishing for a time machine and wishing I'd followed a whole different path. For example things I would've normally seen as positive, like H being excited to share something with me, I just wasn't into it. i.e. he was really proud of fixing something on his car and came into the house because he wanted to show me - I went along with it, "looks great babe, good job!" but it's like my heart wasn't in it. It's hard to explain - I found myself wondering, "is this how a WAW starts?"

Gave it a lot of thought, and I realized it's in large part because I've been scared for sooo long now that I'd do or say that "one wrong thing" that would cause him to leave again... that sharing ANY emotion with him would push him away.. and I finally started really feeling it, feeling the "lonely in my marriage" thing. What I thought was helping was in fact causing me to isolate myself and create a dynamic where of COURSE I'm not going to be happy (and long term, it just wouldn't work for either of us). I also realized, if that's all it takes is "one wrong thing" - our M is pretty darn messed up anyway. Yeah I know, obvious . But it all finally clicked.

All of this has been internal thinking. To look at the day to day, things are going great. Almost too great, maybe that's what got me scared? H is making plans with me (even <gasp> ahead of time sometimes!), making an effort to spend quality time with me doing things that I enjoy or that we both enjoy (not JUST car/race stuff, although he includes me in that too), sharing all his excitement and accomplishments, asking me about, well, me... how my day was, did I enjoy the different GAL things, etc. So it's going good, now I just have to shake that fear, and stop building the darn wall.

Tonight we're going to a free concert in the park downtown. We used to go almost every Friday night in the summertime, and I LOVE going. I've missed it a lot the last couple of summers, but felt funny about going to it with other friends because it was always such an "us" thing...afraid I'd get too emotional. So I'm very excited for that. Tomorrow getting together with my Mom for a few hours then catching up around the house, Sunday going boating together with FIL and his girlfriend. Live music, family time, and boating all in one weekend? Nice!! Makes me a very happy girl!