H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Thank you all for visiting my thread! I really appreciate having the benefits of having your wisdom. I feel less alone now that I have gotten involved on this board. It also helps to know that others have had similar problems with A's which started through Second Life. I agree that SL is evil, but I have to say that H (and other WAS's who have done similar things) are the real problem. SL makes it easier, but it wouldn't be an issue if it weren't for WAS's inclination to go down the A path.

I have been extremely busy with work lately, which is why I haven't posted in a few days and don't have a lot of time right now. I've been reading some, but not posting.

I have been reading a book my IC lent me--James Dobson's "Love Must be Tough." I had heard of it before, but didn't really know anything about it. Is anyone here familiar with it? I haven't finished it yet, but between that and some other things, I am starting to seriously consider telling H that it's time for him to get off the fence now. It's been a year since he first encountered OW in SL, 11 months since the start of the cybersex, 10 months since I found evidence of something really being wrong, and 9 months since H meeting OW in RL and huge blowup between H and me. Many people in RL have been encouraging me to issue an ultimatum since the very beginning, but I wasn't ready, and I really felt that I was being told "Wait" by that still small voice. I am operating from a MUCH stronger place now, and I wouldn't be doing it out of desperation, but more out of a conviction that it was time, and out of a much healthier respect for myself, and much better detachment (although I have in no way detached completely). The main thing I worry about in the case that he leaves is the finances. My business is doing much better than it was before last fall, but my income is still probably below poverty level--and even with both of our incomes, with his being maybe 5 times mine, we struggle financially (would be better if H weren't spending on OW like he's paying for her on the $500/month installment plan :/).

If I do confront him about this, I would expect to say something like, "It's time for you to make a decision. If you want to be with OW, you have two weeks to find somewhere else to live. If you want to be with me, you need to make some major changes. Either way, this has gone on long enough. But I do want to make clear that this is not my choice; it is yours. All I am saying is that it is time for you to make it." That's it. Short and unemotional. No threats, anger, D talk, or complaints. At this point, I have no intention of asking for a D or filing. I feel like if that's something he wants, he needs to go after it, although I can certainly appreciate the possibility that I may eventually have to force the issue one way or another. I do not want a D, but if our marriage is going to work, he has to make a lot of changes first. I've already made bucketloads of them myself.

H has asked me on a regular basis if I had anything to say about the whole situation--maybe once a month. On the advice of my DB coach, mostly I have just smiled slightly and said no. When he does talk to me (very rarely), he mostly talks about how confused he is and how unhappy he's been for how long, and how difficult things are for him now (yeah, my heart bleeds for you, H). No remorse or concern for how I might be feeling that I can see. I often see him wondering silently what is up with me, and occasionally he will actually ask, and I try to be pleasant but mysterious without being dishonest.

This week I had a long chat with a mutual friend of ours (who has her own issues--she is in her second marriage--first on fell apart because her H couldn't keep his pants zipped--but is passionately in love with one of her teachers [she has gone back to school at the age of 45]). She says I'm her closest female friend and my H is her closest male friend, and she's doing a pretty good job of not taking sides, I think. Anyway, she doesn't tell me much about her conversations with my H, which is okay with me, because I don't want to be betrayed to him either, but this time she told me that my H has on several occasions expressed to her that he doesn't understand why I'm not fighting for the marriage and won't talk to him, because surely the situation must bother me. She pointed out to him "what could she possibly say?" Which is pretty much how I feel about it. I explained to her that I don't talk to him about this because I feel pretty sure that anything I say can and will be used against me, and I'm not going to change his thinking anyway, so why waste my breath? Besides which, I really don't think he cares at all about me or about how I feel; I'm just an obstacle to his R with OW and a millstone around his neck, in his mind.

Although it does puzzle me why he still lives at home. What is here for him? He doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, although he's nominally polite. I do have to say that last weekend, following my DB coach's suggestion, I invited him to go biking with me (something we used to do quite a lot before all this mess). He was clearly reluctant, so I told him we didn't have to if he didn't want to. He used one of his favorite excuses of late: "It just seems like that would be pretending everything is normal." Then a bit later he came to me and modified his stance: "We can go biking together if you would be willing to talk to me." I said, "Seems like an odd venue for conversation." He said, "I mean in general, at some point, not so much while we're biking." I politely declined. Something similar happened a few weeks ago too. But as far as I can see, he has not stepped back at all from OW--in fact, he came to tell me goodbye as he was leaving for work yesterday (Thursday), and added that he was going out of town (to OW's state) for a few days, leaving after work that night, so he would probably see me on Sunday. (I just smiled and told him to have a good time, as usual. I should have realized this was coming, because they have been seeing each other about twice a month, and this time it had been almost a month since their last in-person weekend.) So he's with her right now, I assume, and I'm not particularly upset by it--it's sort of par for the course at this point. Not that it doesn't bother me, but it's not at all unusual by now, so I haven't gotten worked up about it. Thank heavens for ADs!)

So anyway, I don't entirely know what to do at this point. I'm furious with him quite a bit more than sad, and have been for months now, even though I don't even usually let myself even feel the anger, much less express it, but I know it's there. I just don't see that my current approach (despite the blessing of my DB coach) is getting me anywhere. As my friend pointed out the other night, what I'm doing is not working; it's time to try something else. And I know this shouldn't be a major factor in my decisions, and it's really not, but I'm *sick* of dealing with his universally chilly attitude towards me, and hearing his voice talking to OW on the phone for hours every day, and his basically rubbing my nose in his A, on a daily basis. I don't even want to be within sight of him these days, much less having to be nice to him and sleeping in the same bed with him when he won't even touch me (what the hey is up with that???). I need a break from him and his alien-ness. If I need to keep doing what I'm doing, I will, but I'm about out of hope, and tired of beating my head against a wall.

I always have more to say, but right now I will stop so I can call about lining up my last prepaid appointment with my DB coach before the office closes. I welcome any comments or suggestions.

Thanks!
Peace,
Dawn