My personal take on this... maybe I'm wrong... but Buster I get the impression that you are kind of frantic about the whole situaiton and it seems to me you are bouncing off the walls in uncertainty and direction.

I think your very best bet is to take a break from dealing with W for a little while, maybe even go a little dark. And in the meantime focus on learning all you can about DBing. Read the information on this site, read the books... even go tonight to a Barnes and Nobles or Borders and "camp out" in the relationship section of the store and just READ (Michelle's books are there). Jot down concepts and ideas that are helpful for you. All of this will help give you a direction and a better sense of what to do.

Once you have this it should help you feel more comfortable and confident in DBing and interacting with your wife.

There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.