Bring on the Rain - Part 4

[SueS]

Well, life pushes on for another day. I guess I should consider myself fortunate that I got up and out of bed this morning and even more fortunte that I got a big hug and kiss from D4 before leaving for work.

H has still not given me any indication of what his plans are for the next step. He asked me the other night if I would go see "The Dark Knight" with him and then go to dinner so we could talk. We'll see if that happens.

It was a quiet night at home last night. I tried doing a few things around to get prepared. I cleaned out some things in D4's bedroom and picked that up a bit. I threw away a ton of junk while she was playing in the other room. I have a lot to do and very little time to do it in. I truly thought that my H would be out by now and that I would have had all of July to pack & clean. I called my new apartment complex and they have a unit that is vacant that I could move into next weekend. Otherwise, the unit they had for me wouldn't have been open until Aug. 1st and that's not going to work with our current landlord needing to get back into his place on that day.

One thing that I did that I may have failed to mention previously is I changed my beneficaries on my life insurance policies to my sister & niece. My 401K isn't very large and until we divorce, I can't change that without H's permission. However, the life insurance policies amount to over 500k and I want the person with control of that money to have D4's best interests in mind. I feel bad for taking H off but I know his spending habits and I feel that he may not put it all to paying off any debts I have (thankfully not much) and then for D4. When I did it, I just kept reminding myself that H has opened new accounts (bank & credit card) that he did not make me aware of.

I went to the bookstore today and bought myself a new book. I'd kind of drowned myself in websites and books at first and was burned out. I found a book called "Beauty For Ashes" by Joyce Meyer. It's about emotional healing. I'll let everyone know what I thought of it.

Still feeling pretty emotional. I walked out of the bookstore today and just had this incredibly empty feeling wash over me. I just wanted to drive as fast as I could to D4's daycare and just hug her. Just still struggling.

Sheila, Rob & tal....thanks for your posts. I know that I have to go straight through all of this to get to the other side. I just feel like my emotions took a deeper plunge than I expected them to. Another reason I bought the book I mentioned is because I'm having a hard time understanding why I'm here again. People tell me to trust God and to go to him for guidance. I'm having a hard time grasping how to do that. I'm hoping this book can help me through that.

Well, time to get things wrapped up and get going home.

SueS

Bring on the Rain - Part 3

[runningoutoftime]

Read those books (they do help!), pamper yourself, and treat yourself very special because you are very special...

spend time with friends, and give every extra moment beyond that to your daughter.
{{{hugs}}}

[kat727]

Sue you are going to be ok. It may not seem like it right now but you will. If you don't believe me take a look at the people over on Surviving. It is like one great big party over there!

Seriously, I have my down days too, where I so miss my husband and wish he was here. Right now, though I am lonely I wouldn't be good for anyone else. I have to get really comfortable in my own skin again. That make take a while. I won't jump into it, maybe just stick my big toe in and test out the waters. When I get there I hope to say "come on in, the waters fine". Hugs

kat

[NoCodeBlues]

I agree, you're doing fine. Getting stronger every day.

((((Hugs))))), Junior.

[SueS]

Good morning-

ROOT, Kat & NoCode.....thanks for stopping by. You know, I know that eventually I'll be okay. I just feel so angry again now and the anger turns to crying for me.

Here's my venting, journaling.....whatever for the weekend!

Well, again, still not much accomplished over the weekend. I blew my lid made some comments H didn't like....etc.

Quiet is all I can say about Friday. On Sat., D4 and I got up and did a few things around the house. H had to work until 1:00. The plan was for H to work, come home and take D4 to the pool. After that, we'd take D4 to a friend's house so we could go out to eat and talk. At 1:00, H called and said he'd be leaving work soon & would be home around 1:45-2:00. He walked in the door at 4:45. I asked where he'd been and why he couldn't have the common courtesy to call since he had made plans with D4. He gave some bs about his phone battery being low. He claimed his friend called just after he left work and needed some help with something. I commented that it was funny that he couldn't think to use the friend's phone or stopped at a pay phone (they actually do still have those around!). Not helping in the emotions on Saturday was D4's tantrums. She was so angry and upset because I would not allow her to play with something and then she cried and cried about daddy not being home.

Before leaving to go to eat & talk, H was singing "Peace of Mind" by Boston. I thought it was amusing. Anyway, when singing the part...

I understand about indecision
But I dont care if I get behind
People li vin in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

.....he decided to change the words to the last line to say.....All I want is to have a piece of pie. Not the typical pie, but he was being vulgar in using that term to describe a woman. My response was....Gee, H, if you're going to end it that way, then you should begin that part with.....I understand about indiscretions. H was....well, shocked to hear that come from me and not too happy. I thought it was funny. What I did not find funny were the concert tickets I saw for a Tom Petty show this Wednesday night. Once again, no money for a new place, b*tches about the cost of daycare, a DUI court date coming up, license being suspended in a week ($680 reinstatement fee)....etc., but enough money for concert tickets and the night out (dinner, drinks). It will be interesting to see what excuse H has for where he's at that night.

We did go to dinner and D4 had a great time with my friend's kids. Not much talking. Maybe my comment angered H, but he didn't want much to do with a conversation with me.

On Sunday I slept in. It felt great. I took D4 to the park, grabbed lunch for us and then we went to the pool. Almost as soon as we got in from the pool, H jumped on the pc. He thinks he's sneaky by playing music while on his email. He thinks I'm dumb enough to think he's just listening to music and adding songs to his IPod, when he's really emailing back and forth with OW. I came quickly around the corner and saw him minimize the email. I made a comment and he told me that he didn't need me sneaking up on him. I tried to move toward the pc to pop his email up and he quickly shut it down. He started this very nervous laugh that he has when he's guilty. I said....Oh, you think this is funny? You think it's funny for me to have to watch you emailing that b*tch all day long when you're here? I walked away. Another issue that came up was that the same thing I did not want D4 to play with on Sat. I told her no again on Sunday and H proceeded to turn around and give it to her. Same with her wanting some gum earlier in the morning. I said...Gee H, it's no wonder why she doesn't listen to me. I told him...you sat here and watched me tell her no and then turned around and gave it to her. She then comes and says to me....Mommy, you said no, but daddy gave it to me anyway. (All in that....I got my way anyway....tone of voice). I also snapped at H because he knows the move is coming quickly, yet he hasn't raised on finger to do anything. I don't know what came over me this weekend with the comments and the snapping. I ran the spectrum of emotions this weekend, that's for sure.

I received a couple awesome emails from a friend over the weekend and to her I need to reply. She always has this incredible way of making me feel calmer and having me look at the big picture. Her comments make me stop and think.

I go to the new apartment complex today to have them show me the other apartment they are going to put me in.

Well, that's about enough journaling for me for now. Thanks for listening to my venting, ranting & raving!

SueS

[Sara]

Sue,

What a callous, self-centered ass! And you can't figure out why you lose your temper with him?! You are cutting yourself free of a sinking ship. You do need a separation agreement to be sure that he pays some support for D4. Your H doesn't make being an eternal teenager look good.

[karen43]

I don't know what came over me this weekend with the comments and the snapping. I ran the spectrum of emotions this weekend, that's for sure.


SueS

I know, I know: your husband is a childish, immature jerk? I did what you're doing at least kind of living with H when he was texting the OW in my house, and the lack of respect that shows is unbelievable! In hindsight, I can't believe I lived through that kind of really it's emotional abuse I think. When H moved out and I didn't have to deal with that, I felt so much more peaceful, calm, happy, etc. I think you will feel like that too and I know lwb and some others have said the same thing. You've been like a saint living and putting up with what you've been doing!!! Very strong, I think the snapping just shows you are human is all!!! Certainly hope you don't feel guilt over anything you have said or done!!!! ((((Sue))))

[SueS]

Sara- Maybe I talked about my reactions incorrectly. I do know why I lose my temper with him. My mom has always told me that I'm the one in the family that keeps it all bottled up and then it pops. I guess this weekend was my reaction to keeping it bottled up from the last time I really voiced myself. I just ask myself....you're not surprised by this are you? Answer....No. Trust me, I know why I get angry. Although not surprised by it, I still get angry that he brushes off his family so easily for people that he's known for a very small amount of time. Like on Sat. when D4 got so upset. She just kept saying over and over.....just call daddy and see when he'll be here. I let her call and I heard her say.....Oh man, it's his voicemail again. And where did he say he was? With one of his 20-something friends. Someone who will mean nothing to him within a year or two.

Karen- I'm looking forward to that peace. I know it may be hard to understand but I just still have a hard time because I don't know where H is going.

SueS

[fightingirish]

((((sues))))

I can't wait until your outta there, its going to hit him like a tons of bricks. You will be ok. And of course your emotional, going through all of this has got to be one of the hardest things to deal with.

Sending my love

Tal

[SueS]

Hi tal. Thanks for coming by!

Just had a conversation with H. Didn't go so well for him. Since everything as far as the move seems to be so messy as far as the dates, getting into the new place, the landlord needing into the current place....I had to talk to H. I was able to secure a unit at the new building that I can get into as early as this Sat. I asked H if he could still (as he said he could) help me move some of the heavier things. He said he could, while questioning me the entire time about why I chose this place (cutting down all of my reasons). The things he kept saying did in fact indicate that he had all intentions of moving with me until his plans were in place. I asked him....what are you going to do? He said that he was hoping to find a place soon.....especially after he finds out what's happening with his court date (DUI). I finally asked.....When you say soon, what do you mean....what timeframe? He said, Well, I was hoping within a month. I got angry. I said, why is this fair? Why did I have to get all my sh*t in order and find a place but you didn't? He said, Well, if you don't want me to move with you, then just say so. I said, H, it's just completely wrong and unfair of you to think that it's okay for you to tell me to get my affairs in order, find a place for D4 and I and then when you don't have yours in order, to expect me to just say it's okay that you move with us. He got very angry saying that he'd figure out a place to stay, even if that meant living in his car.

Before the anger of his knowing that I don't want him to move with me, he asked me what I planned on him paying for D4. I told him that as of right now I hadn't figured everything out, but I'd hoped that he would continue to pay for daycare. He said that he planned on paying for that. He also had planned on paying our cell phone bill (until we figure everything out), giving me any extra money he can and also trying to help me refinance the van so it's not so much. We'll see if he changes his tune.

SueS