Twerpled on the Head with a Magic Kumquat

[girlfromipanema]

How can you open the lines of communication with your H?

Sadly, my H doesn't get it either. He thinks I'm just "jealous". I am the opposite of a jealous woman. The EA OW doesn't get it either. I had a talk with her back in February about what was bothering me. Yet she continues to pursue a friendship/relationship with my husband. She told me she always considered me her BF. With friends like her...

I don't know what else to do to open lines of communication.

I do Acts of Service (make dinner, do housework, buy special stuff he likes - Oreos, Gatorade, Ice Cream, etc. I don't eat or drink these things so he knows it's specifically for him.)
I tried small talk.

My C suggested I ask if there is anything I've been doing to annoy him... maybe that open him up!

Gosh, at this point, I don't even care. I'm almost ready to give in and give up. We don't have children, so it's much less complicated (except for the work thing).

I'll check in on you in a little while, W2G. I need to see how you and your beautiful angel are doing.

((((((W2G)))))

[W2G]

One other suggestion... that was kind of an eye opening experience for me was the book "For Women Only". Have you read that? It sent me spinning. I felt like the worst wife on the planet.. but at the same time it was helpful.

As for my sitch. Still the same likely since the last time you checked. My H and I are good friends.. mind you he does tell me he loves me during most phone calls now so that's a step in the right direction. But he claimed to love me throughout all of this.. just wasn't sure if it was enough.

I'm also wondering, gosh sorry I guess I'm a rambler today... how were you feeling leading up to this bomb? Like in my sitch I was VERY down about work for an extended period of time.. so I wasn't making the home very welcoming. How were you feeling?? Also are you extroverted or introverted? I'm introverted and my H is most definitely extroverted.

Just things I'm wondering.. you have probably said these things in prior posts and if so I apologize.

Hugs,
W2G

[DiDi]

Oh no way did someone leave that note! (((GFI)))

I'm so sorry. Sounds like you've been watching your CSI though and did a good job preserving the evidence. Macy and I will fly out and we'll have her track the scent and hunt them down. Grrr.

She sends puppy kisses to your furbaby.
me.

[lodo]

hi gfi,

i've been thinking about your sitch for awhile. I don't know if i understand it completely and I've missed chunks and everything is swimming around in my head, so I could be way off base here but it sounds like H is depressed, EA (sure it isn't PA?), and playing games all at the same time.

I think about a time when I was really unhappy. I'd go to bed with W, but then get up and move to the couch. Why? part of it was to think and be alone. But i think a bigger part of it was a cry for help that my W couldn't hear and I couldn't admit.

He's definitely playing mental games on purpose without realizing it - hence the not joining you thing with boss. He's screaming for attention. He's vulnerable, hence OW being able to take advantage of sitch.

I don't know what W could have done when I was at a low point. Her usual way of communicating wasn't reaching me. I guess I needed her to change the way she was trying to reach me. Not by fixing dinner or making small talk or asking what was wrong....

I don't know. I can think about it more if you want me to.

thinking of you - lodo

[Kalni]

Just checking on you,

That note was sureal!! Crazy people!!!

On the sex thing, I have no clue. It's different for everybody. My stbX never tried to initiate sex while we were seperated, we were ML until a month before he left our home. And it felt good, as if he was trying to connect with me. I had asked him about it, in front of my therapist. He said :I don't know why, I just want to ML to you. She said to both of us, he was trying to hold on to us, his effort to help our marriage...

Do what you feel is right. That's the best I can think of.
K

[girlfromipanema]

"For Women Only". Have you read that?

Thanks to your suggestion, I ran out and bought it and I'm reading it now. I'm only a few pages in, but it seems really interesting. =)

he does tell me he loves me during most phone calls

It would be so nice to hear those words. You are a very patient woman. (((((((W2G))))))) I wish I could wave a magic wand for you.

how were you feeling leading up to this bomb? Like in my sitch I was VERY down about work for an extended period of time.. so I wasn't making the home very welcoming. How were you feeling?? Also are you extroverted or introverted? I'm introverted and my H is most definitely extroverted.

I don't know if there was one big bomb in my sitch, so it's hard to say exactly how I was feeling. I had my down days. I think the stress of a third party being involved in my marriage was getting me down, but when I tried to address with h, he brushed my feelings aside. That went on for many months - we'd have good months and a bad day now and then, but I was pretty much myself. People tell me they've never seen a person change from marriage as drastically as me... and for the better. I was so much happier after getting married. I think back to the woman my husband married - I don't even know who she is anymore. I have grown and changed and morphed into someone I can be proud of.

I'm an introvert until I get to know people a little. I think he and I are the same in that respect. Kind of reserved at first. He is very charming, which puts people at ease, whereas I am very easy going and adaptable, so people feel at ease.

Thanks again for the book suggestion. I'll be sure to let you know what I think.

[girlfromipanema]

Oh no way did someone leave that note! (((GFI)))

I'm so sorry. Sounds like you've been watching your CSI though and did a good job preserving the evidence. Macy and I will fly out and we'll have her track the scent and hunt them down. Grrr.

She sends puppy kisses to your furbaby.
me.

You are adorable! You and Macy come out anytime.

[girlfromipanema]

A. it sounds like H is depressed, EA (sure it isn't PA?), and playing games all at the same time.

B. He's definitely playing mental games on purpose without realizing it - hence the not joining you thing with boss. He's screaming for attention. He's vulnerable, hence OW being able to take advantage of sitch.

A. He's not depressed. I'm 100% sure. The only time he isn't his happy go lucky self is when I'm near. He's angry. He's hurt. He's STUBBORN. But I don't think he's depressed. I almost wish it was depression, because it would give me something to work with.

B. Accidentally on purpose. =)

Thanks for your input, lodo. It's helpful to hear a man's point of view.

The one thing I don't get is why he goes out of his way to please me sexually. If he's playing games - or able to compartmentalize the sex - why not just look out for his enjoyment? Could it be pride? Like he doesn't want his wife to think he isn't a fantastic lover, regardless if he doesn't care for her?

[girlfromipanema]

Do what you feel is right. That's the best I can think of.

Thanks for checking in on me. ((((K))))

Good advice.

[smartcookie]

Hey Girlie, if the sex is leaving you feeling used, no matter how generous he's being, you should stop it. Practice saying this word "NO".

You & I seriously need to talk. I think you're being way too sweet & nice & considerate...still buying him oreo's after he's having an EA/PA ?

The lunch & hike thing was just plain rude on his part. He's being a jerk, & he's being a jerk to you, & that just pisses me off, because you're too beautiful inside & out, & caring, & kind, & compassionate for anybody to be a jerk too.

Now you've got some idiot neighbor leaving notes like that. WTF ? You could buy a stuffed dog that looks like yours, then "plant" it on the neighbors lawn, then hide in your house, & wait for the gunshot. Then call the police !!!

I don't know about your PD, but ours won't fingerprint a note threatening a dog. Sorry.

xoxoxo be safe