WAW#10 Feather Ruffle

[LostPhil]

I having been asking her to stop shutting me out of her life. Stop using the kids to communicate information about what she is intending to do. She would have the kids call me and totally avoid talking to me at all. I asked her. I said you wanted to be my friend through this but you never extend friendship. She is completely detached and doesn't even communicate. I have expressed this since the day she left.

Then one time she did come in to talk to me and I ignored her because I didn't know what dark truly was. I was walking away shutting the door not looking like a lost puppy seeking her affection and attention. She got pissed about that. She said you want me to talk to you and I'm talking to you but you will not even look at me.

Then I do keep telling her to stop shutting me out of her life. She does it anyway.

Then she gets back on these little tidbits. Would text me in the evening. Ask me little quesions during the day. Now I answer them all, but I'm not jumping on it right away. Then I leave her alone again. Like she wants to see how bad I am there waiting for her.

However the shoe is not worn on the other foot. If I attempt to communicate with her. She doesn't get back in a timely manner if she even gets back at all. When she wants to communicate with me then she goes ape nuts and starts the phone marathon.

Maybe she just didn't have anything she wanted to ask me because she is completely dead to me. I pushed her away to far.

[craig54]

phil, your expectations of your wife are way too high. they have to at be rock bottom. it will your life much easier. also, you don't know if she will ever come back, that is a defeatist attitude. trust in the Lord, pray for your wife.

[LostPhil]

craig, My expectations are that she isn't coming back. My expectaions are that it is over. She said it was over, she meant it was over.

I can't pray anymore than I already am... can I?

I'm sick of crying over her. I deserve better than this. No one and I mean no one should make there spouse feel this way.

Honestly I'm going through hell. I don't think she is. I think she has made her self so numb through it she isn't feeling anything.

Expectations. I don't have any. I believe I let it go. I gave it to the Lord. I have givin her to the Lord.

Brings to a triggered memory. While she was still in WAW at home stage. I was working on the kitchen installing cabinents. I remembered a memory of me trying to hit her. She kept blocking them. I was drinking. I came home and she got in my face, and I just had about enough. I was swinging at her and determined to get a crack in. I was screaming back at her. Please just stfu. Please just stfu. I didn't do anything wrong.

When I felt satisfied enough I quit. I never did get that shot in. Anyway I was installing those cabinents remembered it. I lost it. I was weeping I mean weeping on the kitchen floor. Because I lost control.

Guess what. She finally stfu. Be careful what you ask for.

Brings me to another story off topic. One of her girl friends from high wanted his wife to have a three way with someone. My wife asked me if I ever wanted to have a three way. I said have you lost your mind. Why do you bring this up? She said oh my digusting friends husband told his wife that, and I wondered if you thought about digusting stuff like that too. I said No, never. You are more than I can handle. Then she was telling me about how this wife always plays dress up for him. He likes the Amish outfit the best. I said would you please not tell me these things. I don't care to know about your friends sexaul excapades. When you tell me these things I pretty much loose all respect for these people and can't generally look at them with a straight face anymore.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Then I do keep telling her to stop shutting me out of her life. She does it anyway.

Of course she is, you are telling her what to do, she is showing you that she isn't going to. You pressure, she resists, she doesn't want to conform to your demands.

Swich roles for a moment,
Someone you are fighting with, or don't particularly like is telling you what to do for them. Are you going to do it? Or are you going to try and upset them further?

Change a dynamic of the situation. Stop the fighting, see what happens.

Oh yeah, stop all relationship type stuff when you talk to her. All of it.

[*KS*Chick*]

Not quite sure why you're so anti therapy but given the past you keep sharing (hitting, abuse, drinking) it might be a positive step for you.....

or you could continue on in the denial you're in.

[hoosiermama]

I didn't "mad click." I clicked once; it took forever to submit, and I finally had to change position in the room and it submitted several times.

What is your goal here, Phil? It doesn't seem to be reconciling with your wife, it seems to be to have her come crawling back to you with her tail between her legs telling you that you were right all along. In fact, I think you should consider having that put on your tombstone--"Here Lies Phil. He was right."

Do you think it will help bring your wife back to tell us we're all nuts? If we're truly all nuts, then why oh why do you keep posting here? You tell us what to say--and that's just silly.

You really think you're getting better every day, that your behavior is working for you? Because it doesn't look that way to most of us. You take one step forward and ten steps back. Count how many times you have said "She needs...." When you start saying someone else (an adult) "needs" to do or behave a certain way, that should be a red flag that your emphasis is soooo in the wrong place.

Is what I'm doing working for me--have I reconciled? Clearly that isn't the only goal here, Phil. I haven't gone nuts, brought my kid into the middle of my mess, I'm still functioning--those are my immediate goals. All I can control is myself, not my spouse.

You know, you receive at least 10x as many responses as the average poster, maybe because you are so "lost." And you disregard 95% of the responses you get, dis about half of them, and only value the ones that feed into your victim persona or tell you you're a wonderful guy. What an incredible waste of resources. Do you think we are really all aware that your thread has its own rules and we're only supposed to post positive things to you, we're not supposed to acknowledge each other's posts, and you're allowed to be disrespectful, rude, and nasty. And we're supposed to keep coming back offering the benefit of our experience--until you decide "we're nuts" and you don't want to hear from one or another of us.

[LostPhil]

Thanks Jack. I believe I have stopped the fighting.

Here is another sucker moment though....

She just text me about five after six. Do you have kids. I text back yes. She text what do you want me to do, I'm taking a shower. I said do whatever you want.

She asks what the kids are doing. I said watching Tv and making a movie. She text back what? I text what do you want to do?

Then she goes dead on communication.

I text what is your problem. Nothing?

Then I text. Why can't you be up front and honest with me?

Now nothing... That was twenty minutes ago....

Yes, I just can kneel down and pray...

So she suckered me into picking up the kids and made no other arrangements with me. Left work. Apparently went straight home to take a shower and now nothing.

Makes me think of monsters. Makes me think none of this makes sense. Devoted mother who didn't want to ever leave these kids side for a minute. Now she gets off work and doesn't even bother with them.

Should I have demanded a time or something? I mean what the heck am I suppose to do?

She doesn't act adult enough to even talk with me about a schedule.

Am I suppose to act like a goof and call her? Am I suppose to act like an even bigger goof and drive down to her house?

Everything is always one big F'n secret.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I text what is your problem.

Agressive. And no offense, you don't see that as fighting words?

Why can't you be up front and honest with me?

Pressure and calling her a liar.

Am I suppose to act like an even bigger goof and drive down to her house?

I think that would be a bad choice.

[LostPhil]

Yeah aggressive. Now she is giving me aggressive back. Gee I will just never learn.

I text her kids want to go to movies.

She text back to see what. Then she text back what time.

Hmmmm, she never answers any of my questions?

Yeah I know that would be a bad choice driving down there.

Trust me there was about a million things I wanted to say on text back there. I just erased it. I said this is not getting me closer to my goal.

I wanted to tell her to go blow up. She is very demanding when she wants to know something.

Now I'm wondering if I should bother to ask. Do you want me to drop kids off to you after movie?

Real dumb would be asking her to go.

I'm thinking she wants to know exact times so she can come here and do her laundry or something. Maybe even take the dressers.

Whatever... I have to stay calm. I can't let this stuff affect me.

Looks like the communication portion is over because she got the information she wanted.

This just totally sucks....

[NikB]

Phil - I've followed your threads for awhile but hesitated to post because I've seen you get so upset with people a few times. I'll do my best and hope it helps rather than piss you off... or maybe it does both.

You've talked so many times about how people are stupid, idiots... do you really feel that way about just about everyone except yourself?? It sure seems that way. You called your Mom an idiot, your wife... it's not hard to see why that would be difficult to be around. I know it's extremely hard, but developing some empathy for your wife would do you so much good. And respect - did you at some point have respect for her, or did you just "tolerate" her?

You know one of the reasons I think I point out all the stupid crap my wife does is to prove I'm not the crazy one. Am I pointing fingers or just venting. Some seem to think I'm pointing fingers.

Probably a little bit of both. But why the need to prove she's "crazy" and you're "not crazy." Can you consider that maybe both of you are human beings with positive traits, negative traits, and flaws you could use some work on?

I already said I was the battered husband.

From what you've posted here, it looks like the "battering" went both ways.

Only problem is everyone thinks I know everything and I should be able to fix their computer problems. When they will not even take the time and try to research the problem themselves.

I don't know where you work, obviously, but the computer techs at my company HATE it when people try to research and fix the problem themselves. Usually makes it worse than if we just give it to the experts the first time. The "idiots" are the ones who know enough to mess their systems up worse.

The high five and the money dance. Which is what I asked not to be done on my thread. Pat each other on the back. Sayings things in circles and then agreeing with one another. I think the demons here on the board are worse then my situation. Trying to keep up with all the nonsense is really mind boggling.

Honestly, I have seen VERY little nonsense on your threads. You're getting a lot of very solid, sound advice from people who have been there. You seem to think you're the only one that's been through this hell. You're not.

I see an a pretty consistent theme in your threads of wanting to control the uncontrollable. It's a public message board here, that you choose to post to. Certainly you can expect a level of respect and etiquette (for example specific people not posting to you if you just don't get along). But you can't control every word people post to you, every piece of advice they give. Nearly every post to you, this one included, is coming from the heart and with the intent to help you. You not liking the advice does not equal it being "nonsense" or people being "nuts" or "idiots."

The real question is: Is what you are doing working for you? Have you reconciled?

I would say the answer to the first question, for everyone posting to you, is yes.

For the second question, in my case - yes. And a few others posting to you, I believe. Have you noticed that it's nearly the same advice from both the reconciled and not reconciled people? Drop your expectations of her to zero, focus on you, look inward, become the best Phil that you can be.

Really I don't know what she expects from me.

The only time she talks to me is when she wants a favor or it has something to do with watching the kids, picking up the kids, or whatever.

My guess is, this is what she expects of you. Keep it to discussions about the kids.

I have to run for now... I hope some of this helps rather than make you angrier.