I think he is the king of the DAM's Club. He needs to realize that being aggressive, angry and always defending his position is going to do the exact oposite of what he wants.
Calling you at 4 in the morning is a control issue. He knew you were asleep but wanted to try and prove either to you or himself that he still has control of the situation.
Wanting you to meet his P needs is idiotic, I told my W months ago that I will not persue ML until she feels commited to the M. How will forcing someone to do something they do not want to improve your sitch. DAM!!
I have no idea how you can get thru to him. His skull is so thick and thinks that he is right and you are wrong. Until he realizes that he needs to bend and compromise and you need to do the same that going forward is going to be very tough.
Again, He has no idea how lucky he is that you are working so hard, I wish that my W put in half the effert you are putting in. I hope you keep it up ad maybe he will smarten up. There just seems to be so much anger in him.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this confused state. Take the time and space you need.
Maybe it's time for the after-the-LRT. MWD writes about it in the Infidelity section, but it's meant to address a situation when a spouse refuses to give up their damaging behavior even while acknowledging it.
He sounds frustrated and despondent and trying to pressure things back to a place he knows - where he's in control.
If you're really at the place where you're seriously contemplating filing for D, before you do so it might be worthwhile to let him know that he is trying to beat you back into the M and that is only driving you further away. Tell him you care about him but can't live this way so you're prepared to let go. And then back off completely
MWD writes that this means not spending time together, not talking on the phone unless it's about the children, no emails. Essentially, let him know that there won't be any relationship at all if he continues doing what he's doing. and then back off completely.
But as MWD warns, don't be prepared to do this unless you're really ready to end things, because it can very easily end in D.
I think all of us agree, though, that you've been a willing participant in addressing the issues that drove your M to this point. The burden of proof rests on him.
I have a couple of questions and please don't take offence to them. Just need to understand a little better.
1) If you left and your H is being so reluctant to change why are you working so hard to save the M?
2) Do you still love him or are you trying to figue that out before you call it quits?
3) Why does he feel that you were/ are verbably abusive?
4) Does he do anything other than work? Play a sport, hang with friends, have any type of fun?
5) Do you guys have any fun together or is it always tense when your together?
6) Has he always been angry and controlling or has it happened slowly over the course of the M?
7) What do you do for fun on your own?
Did you get the book from Amazon yet? Just want to know what you think about it.
Again just trying to get a feel for where your at and he sounds like me over a year ago and it might help me understand my W position a little better. And if you have answered these questions before, sorry but I forget sometimes with all the sitches on DB that I read.
Have a great weekend, I'm off to NY to see "Wicked" with W and kids.
I have a couple of questions and please don't take offence to them. Just need to understand a little better.
1) If you left and your H is being so reluctant to change why are you working so hard to save the M?
I left because it became physically & emotionally unsafe for me to stay and work on the M. He went to a few counseling sessions for his anger after I left and then stopped & has not been back. And he has made some changes that have been enough for me to quit walking away, yet not consistantly or regularly enough to walk back into the M.
Originally Posted By: distress67
2) Do you still love him or are you trying to figue that out before you call it quits?
I love him as a person, I don't have the intimacy physically, emotionally or mentally with him that I want with a partner. We have both changed and grown apart. His anger has driven a wedge between us physically & emotionally, his lack of pursuits outside of his job has kept us from growing together mentally.
Originally Posted By: distressed67
3) Why does he feel that you were/ are verbably abusive?
I think you read that quote I posted about the Counseling session wrong. He was admitting to being verbally abusive.
Originally Posted By: distressed67
4) Does he do anything other than work? Play a sport, hang with friends, have any type of fun?
nope- male friends of his, were spouses of the female friends of mine. They have little in common other than their wives were friends.
Xbox360, surf the internet for products & services related to his business as well as some porn.
Originally Posted By: distressed67
5) Do you guys have any fun together or is it always tense when your together?
We have found some ways to relax and have fun in some activities in the past few months. Wine tasting, bike rides, geocaching, comedy club.
Originally Posted By: distressed67
6) Has he always been angry and controlling or has it happened slowly over the course of the M?
He has always had a 'temper' and yes he has always been controlling. It has gotten much worse over the past 7 years as I have been pursuing my graduate degree and have asked him for support around the house and involvement with the kids.
Originally Posted By: distressed67
7) What do you do for fun on your own?
Bike, geo-cache, play online poker & cribbage, go for walks, foster dogs, learn new things for DIY projects in my house, go for rides in my car, enjoy music, plan vacations, talk with friends, spend time with my kids,
Originally Posted By: distressed67
Did you get the book from Amazon yet? Just want to know what you think about it.
It's due to be delivered on Monday. Money is a bit tight right now so I did not use the 2nd day shipping option, so it was shipped from 125 miles away and taking a week!
Originally Posted By: distressed67
Again just trying to get a feel for where your at and he sounds like me over a year ago and it might help me understand my W position a little better.
Have a great weekend, I'm off to NY to see "Wicked" with W and kids.
Thanks for asking and for your insight. I hope Wicked & the trip is good. I'm hoping to get tickets for my D & I when it comes to our state late next year. Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
