Questions on DB when separated

[sportsfan]

Hi. I've posted in the newcomers forum, but thought I would pose this question to you all in this forum. If you want background, my thread is called "Don't Even Know Where to Begin".

My H left on Saturday. Our MC said to have no contact except for emergencies and a once a week meeting for dinner or whatever. The purpose of the separation is for H to determine if our M is really what he wants. To see if he misses me.

How can I show changes in myself when our contact is so limited? How do I act in our MC sessions? I have been a basket case for the last 2 years, but made a conscious decision to turn things around and then he left. He hasn't lived with the "new" me so how can he miss me? I need your advice please.

[daisy282]

Hey Sportsfan

I am pretty new to this whole thing too so I'm not sure how much help I can be. My husband and I are going to counseling for the first time tomorrow morning. . .

We have been seperated for almost a month and have only seen each other one time. However we have talked on the phone. When I first moved out we only argued on the phone and now we are still only having small conversations but I make a point to keep things positive and to the point and not drag him into a relationship conversation. You can do the same thing, especially when you go out once a week. Give him the space he needs. I know it is hard because I am in the same spot but it's essential and I have been learning so much about myself since moving out and it's been wonderful to get perspective. It's the best thing you can do right now for you and your marriage.

One question for you. How often are you going to counseling?

Hope that helps!

[sportsfan]

This is so difficult. I can't stand it. I feel like he is moving on without me and it scares me. I'll keep trying the DB. I just noticed he charged $195 at a cellular phone place. We both have Trac phones. What the hell is he doing? My heart just sank.

I don't know how often we are going to counseling. My H works very long hours and it is up to him to schedule. He is not good at following up on things. We will probably only go about 1 every 3 weeks. I hate this.

[LolaL]

Hi Sportsfan:

I know exactly how you feel. I have been there, right where you are, and made my share of mistakes. So, in the hopes that you don't do the same thing, let me share a little experience and advice:

It will feel like he is moving on without you. You will see things in him that you hate. But remember this, you have no control over what he does. This is a hard thing to accept, but for your own sake and peace of mind, you will need to try.

It is easier said than done to do everything that this book recommends. Try anyway, and remember, none of us are perfect. We all say and do things that we are kicking ourselves for later. If you feel the need to contact by phone, make sure your phone is inaccessible. If you want to send him an email, post it here first, because you will get valuable feedback on whether or not to send it. Trust me, this board has saved my collective a$$ a few times.

Find a mantra. Say it when you feel stressed. Mine is just breath. Then practice the mantra.

Personally I noticed a change when I found something to do other than calling my H. I started to mediate, pray and do yoga. But thats me. Find something you like to do, and do it, because it does help with the stress.

Allow yourself to be happy, sad, angry, depressed. Emotions are okay. But don't let your H know. He only needs to see you happy.

Look at yourself, and ask yourself what you would change about yourself if you could. Then change it. Listen to your H, and when he says this is what he would change, think of whether or not it is something you would want to change about yourself. If it is, change it.

Remember that the only person you have control over is you. And even then, sometimes we lose it.

And breath...

Lola

[sportsfan]

Hi Lola. What you wrote makes so much sense. Are you in my head? LOL I definitely have control issues. I hate surprises, even the good ones. Always have. I don't like to be in the dark. It is even the nature of my job that I know and anticipate everything. You echoed everything my sister said to do as well. I am exercising more and trying to take care of myself. I am doing a much better job of managing my stress now that I made the decision to let the past go. How can I make sure H realizes this? Also, a lot of the issue is not with me, but with himself. He is guilt-ridden and can't forgive himself. I told him I have forgiven him and that he should forgive himself.

I was out this morning at an appointment with my counselor and H called. All he said was yes, he got a new phone and will be getting a rebate. He also said he will call me back later with the new phone number because he didn't remember the new number off the top of his head. I don't care that he got a new phone or what it cost. I just wonder why he got a new one.

My C said that I should implement DB, but that I should tell H that I am here if he needs me since H is working on issues having nothing to do with me and to say nothing else. I don't know about that one. C is not familiar with DB so I educated him on that.

Your replies are helping to give me the strength I so need right now. A million thanks!

[LolaL]

Your very welcome. It is very hard, especially in the beginning. But rest assured, your H will see the changes. It will not happen overnight. H and I have been separated almost 10 months, and I have really been implementing this for the last two-three months. He is just starting to see changes.

It really is about finding yourself. Right now, all you think about is the M, and the S. You will. It's very normal. It is normal for the WAS to go hot and cold. I am still dealing with that. The key is when they are cold to leave them alone. Trust me, it took me a LONG time to figure that one out!!!

A very dear friend of mine said: from one control freak to another, let him go do what he needs to do. So I give the same advice to you. Also, there is a book called Control Freak that was awesome. It explains why we are controlling, and looking to get at the root of the reason. It also gives useful tips on how to try to curb the desire.

If you are controlling, you may always have the inclination to be controlling. I still do. Its about how to make sure you recognize the signs, and do something else until the feeling passes.

And it will pass.

[sportsfan]

I'm trying really hard not to get down. I am GAL, keeping my mind off the S (which I am having trouble with), etc. According to our MC, we are supposed to be in contact once a week for dinner or something. We are also supposed to be going to MC. He moved out 8 days ago and I have spoken to him once for less than 5 minutes. We have left brief phone messages for each other only regarding his buying a new cell phone. His were in response to mine.

Is he that happy without me that I can't even get a phone call? I'm starting to break down. I can't break down now. Work is too crazy and I need to focus. I want so much to hear from him. I guess he doesn't feel the same about me. Is there hope?

[LolaL]

Hi (((Sportsfan)))

I am going to tell you something I heard over the weekend, and it was very uplifting.

First...there is always hope. It may be that right now, he does not feel the same, but feelings can change.

I had a friend tell me this analogy over the weekend: Whenever one door closes, another one opens. Sometimes, though, it takes a while for the other one to open. While it is still closed, you are stuck in the hallway. This is the time you need to reflect, change, and work on yourself to make you a better person. Eventually, the door will open, and a new you will come through, stronger, happier, more satisfied with your life.

Right now, you are in the early stages, and it is hard. I know your every thought is about your H, and as much as I would like to tell you that will change, it can't. You feel like there is a weight on your chest, you can't breath, and you are going to lose your mind.

You won't. You don't ever stop missing them, or maybe not even thinking of them, but eventually you will breath. The heavy weight will go away a bit, and although it will revisit at times, it won't be a constant companion. The intermittent (or constant) crying jags will stop, and you will be able to sleep again.

Don's stop these feelings, because if you do, you won't heal. Healing does not mean you are letting go, or that you won't love your H anymore, it just means you will feel better. If you need to take a break, and go cry, then do it. The first few months, I would have what I called my 3:30 breakdown. Every day at 3:30 I would feel horrible, go to my car, smoke a cigarette, and cry. I would come back in, and be able to get through the day. Eventually, it stopped.

If you have faith in God (or Buddha, or Allah, or Jehovah) find solice in it. I meditate, pray over candles, and just let go and let God handle it. It will make you feel better to release it to a Higher Power. It will feel strange, but take a breath, and remind yourself every day that you are right to want to save your M, and that you will do what you need to do to accomplish that task.

In the meantime, breath...

Hugs....Lola

[maninmotion]

Hi there sportsfan. I feel for you. Yes, it sucks big time. I have a theory that it sucks in direct proportion to how much we have defined ourself by the relationship. So, I never had a life with I met my W and for 18 years she took the place of the personal growth that I needed. When she moved out, I was instantly transported back 18 years and a couple of times it took many pitchers of margaritas to endure the night. Now, I've grown to where her bad behavior doesn't determine whether I'm having a good day or not. Mostly

As hard as it sounds, all any of us can do is back off and GAL.

There's a good group here and they are a very valuable resource of inspiration and support.

Anyway, here's a hug (((((sportsfan)))))

Dan

[sportsfan]

I really appreciate the support and words of wisdom. The feelings of hopelessness come and go. We have seen and spoken to each other a few times in the last two days due to a car refinance deal and my Dad having surgery today. Things have been upbeat for the both of us despite everything. I KNOW he has been reading DB now. He is totally applying those principles as I am trying to do. I did falter yesterday though when I told him what mail he has including an update from the insurance company regarding our MC. I could kick myself, but I asked if he had scheduled another MC appointment yet. SOOOOOO NOT DB!!!! He said yes, he in going in to talk to the MC by himself and then will schedule another and will probably bring me back in then. So far, I have only been to this MC at the first session.

Here is a question I haven't seen addressed: What do you do if both parties are applying DB techniques? Does anyone has experience with this? He doesn't even need to do these things as I had already realized and told him that this marriage is the most important thing in the world to me. I miss him terribly, but am working on GAL.