"And I'll just point out the dichotomy one more time, for the record: be strong by standing up for what you believe is right, because women are not attracted to wimps. But don't be strong by standing up for what you believe is right, because women are not attracted to a combative attitude."
Its all about how you state your position. Compare empathic:
"Honey, I think X."
"But I think Y."
"Honey, I do see your point, but I still think X."
[Honey feels listened to and validated.]
with combative:
"Honey, I think X."
"But I think Y."
"Honey, you have completely missed the point. You totally ignored A, B and C. Look here, and here and here. X is the only possible answer."
[Whether or not X is objectively right, Honey now feels that you think she's an idiot.]
As you will see in john gray's mars and venus books, stating and sticking to what he thinks is right, in an assured but empathic way (but of course giving way when he realises he is wrong), without making his wife feel browbeaten or worn down, is an art that a husband must master. Its not about manipulation I hasten to add - because the end result of many discussions is bound to be the same - its about the pattern and emotional tone of the interaction. A woman needs to feel respected and listened to. As a very rough general rule, the more explanation and proof and rebuttal you provide, the more likely it is that she will feel you are being combative and treating her like a colleague at work that you simply have to prove wrong. A marriage is not a work environment, so a different approach is required. A similar approach applies to a BB on which men and women are sharing all kinds of emotional and sexual insights with each other - yes?
"This is one of the things that worries me the most ... Do I really want to be the scapegoat?"
Read my last post on Cinco's thread for starters.
You are being way too logical and analytical about the nature of female sexual desire and the role of fantasy.
Its about bridging the gap between male and female, usually a space filled by distrust and fear. Trust and fantasy can provide a safe way across that gap.
To give an analogy - your wife loves beautiful views, but is too scared of heights to go on her own. You manfully help and guide her to the top, perhaps even carry her part of the way. She enjoys the view but grips your hand throughout.
Maybe next time she will not need so much help. Over time its unlikely she will feel the same kind of fear; she may even lose it altogether.
"How does she stay in love with the guy who forces immorality on her, even if she enjoys the immoral filth at the moment it's happening?"
How is it forcing? I think Bagheera explained all this very clearly. You've effectively answered your own question - if she enjoys the view from the top she's not going to complain that you had to pull her along. She may well end up loving you even more!
SB, much as you would like your wife to be as unafraid of heights as you, that appears not to be the case. Maybe that doesn't seem fair, but then nothing about life ever has to be. You are going to have to take the lead.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
