Well it's been a hell of a week that's for sure. Ups and downs hurts and cheers. I hit the wall, yes that wall. I'm pretty much done and the ups and downs this week have been of my own making as I've struggled with this idea and decision. Barring anything major happening on Sunday I will be walking over to the courthouse on Monday.
I've given and given until there is nothing left to give. I really thought I had a lot more in the tank just two weeks ago but she's broken me with her actions. The will to continue just isn't there. Here's the final straw...
D11 had a pool and sleepover party to attend on Wednesday night. I was to pick her up at 8 yesterday morning. I got there to find her in the backyard with a friend, tears streaming down her face. As she gathered her things all the girls came over to give her a hug and tell her it would be ok. I figured the home situation was the subject at hand. We got in the car and she asked to stay home from camp, she didn't feel well. So we drove her sister to camp and went back to my apartment. Then she told me what was up. She had her first period that morning. She tried to call my wife at home, on both mobile phones and at the office. No answer on any line, she was devastated but Daddy was here for her now. We spent the day together and for her it meant a lot that I was there being supportive. Finally at 8 that night my wife called, she hadn't ever connected the fact that 4 phone calls were important. (Caller ID on every phone and the girls rarely call her.) My wife came over after stopping at the store for D11 but I couldn't bring myself to really speak to her or even look at her, I was disgusted with her.
Folks my disgust goes further, my wife accepted the girls invitation to see the play on Sunday with us, she accepted instantly. But what is she doing this weekend, it appears she's going off for the weekend with the new bf. How insulting is that to the girls and to me?
I really am sorry, it hurts down to my DNA but I can't stand any more, I can't sit back and watch our children being disappointed any further. They have hoped, prayed and wished for it all to be better as have I. I've worked hard on myself and my opportunities, I've tried to be a good best friend, a good father and a good and supportive husband but I can't do it any longer the weight of it all has finally gotten to me. I can only go forward alone with the girls.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
