My wife Rosalie and I have been married for 18 years, been together for 25. Met unfortunately through an EA. Our marriage has been rough and deteriorating since late 2005. She would frequently accuse me of EA and drop complaints about failure to talk to her, go places, plan things, help around house. My eye had wandered once prior to marriage, once in early 90s, and once in 2001, but never went beyond trading innuendo with OW. Then in 2002, I decided that I needed to stop this, because I knew I loved my wife. Returned to church and started working on changing. Wife happy, and overheard her say so to other people.
By 2006, I was wondering if there was something going on with Rose and that she was doing things to irritate or fight me. She made it overt in mid-2007, and I started responding back in anger. Since I'm aware that anger is dangerous, I tried to control it by refusing to speak to her when I was angry, waiting until I had calmed down. But there was other things, like her saying "Yes, massa" to me or walking a few steps behind me in public. The back-and-forth between us became more frequent until June 10, when I got a lecture from her youngest daughter (by 1st marriage) about my shortcomings in computer work. When I got home, I complained about it to Rose; she stood up for daughter. The next morning before work, daughter called to complain directly to Rose; Rose also started blaming me for that and for things going wrong around our house and in our life and again charging me with playing around. That night, she renewed her tirade, yelling and higher-pitched. I snapped and let my anger go, telling her "I want you out of this house!" She said "Well, finally! It only took me 2 years of pressuring you to finally get you to commit!" She then admitted she already had an attorney, then spent the next 4 days calling him, friends, and relatives in the bathroom with door closed or outdoors, as well as sorting possessions.
On 16th of June, thought she had already moved out to stay somewhere else, coming back to pick up rest of her belongings when I was at work the next day. I couldn't find memorabilia given to me by my step-grandchildren, so I wanted it back and changed front door lock so that she couldn't get in w/out me being there to bargain with her for those things. She came back later that night. I didn't let her in because it looked like she had a strong-arm with her to help move, so she got police office, who told me to let her in. When she came in with him, she launched into a vehement tirade of accusations and lies. I'd never seen nor heard her like that at any time in our lives together. She denied taking the memorabilia. She insinuated that I might cause her physical harm, so the officer told her she would have to go stay with family or friends and that she was not to remove anything from the apartment w/out me present. I know she had wanted to stay and have me sent out, but she didn't get that. The next day, I changed the lock back and later found all the things that were missing, too late to apologize to her.
The first night alone was enough for me to reflect. I first got the reminder again that I still loved her. And then I started to see all the things that had led to this. My command of leaving was only the icing on the cake and what she was waiting for. But she'd had enough of my constant anger for the past 3 years, my extreme selfishness, my belittling (although I can only think of 2 times I'd done that), my reckless ness with money, my controlling, domineering attitude, and my complete neglect of her because I had my hand in music & video production, computer building & repair, web publishing, and assorted other small projects. And since I didn't like her TV shows, I watched the TV in the bedroom or worked on the computer. And I was otherwise so tired, I just plopped into bed and slept. It was no wonder she felt neglected and abandoned, and had become fed up with all the mistreatment and the emotional abuse. And worse, I was supposed to be a Christian and had done all these things in spite of knowing what the Bible said about them.
I started anger management counseling almost immediately. I went to our senior pastor, admitted my faults and the event, then asked for help. He got me involved with a marriage intervention counseling couple, to meet once weekly. Plus, I started a one-on-one spiritual growth for men counseling with the pastor, based on the book Tender Warrior by Stu Weber. I was then encouraged to write Rose a letter, which the pastor reviewed and approved and told me to send. Since she had not left an address and had not let me have any info as to where she was, I had to send the letter to her lawyer and ask him to forward. No response. That was the last week of June.
She has now moved out of the town in which she lived nearly all of her life, and abandoned the church we attended, even though it has an early and late service. All this to avoid me. As of 10 July, I wrote her another letter, got it approved, then sent to her lawyer. No response. Then the court order and divorce papers arrived in the mail on July 15. And yesterday, I found a letter in my mailbox with familiar writing, but I could hardly believe it. I had excitement, opened it, then read. It was short.
"Ken-
I am trying to get on with my life -- what's left of it. I suggest you do the same.
- Rosalie"
Ever since that first night, I've greatly regretted all I've said and done, and my neglect of her, during these years that led to this. I've hated myself every day, remembering that I have lost the only person who has meant anything to me since 1983. I have trouble sleeping. On my best nights, I might get 5 hours; on the worst, 2. I really have no appetite and have eaten only a little bit for 5 days out of over a month. I was a musician, but the first day without her, I knew I could never play anything again because I'd lost my soul. I gave away all my guitars. I had hoped that I could work with the church and counseling to change and then prove it to her. After knowing her this long, though, she looks like she's determined. Her oldest daughter and son-in-law, a pilot for Northwest Airlines, in Minnesota have paid some of her expenses, including her attorney's retainer of $5,000. And I can't even afford the $2,00 mine wanted.
I'm just about ready to give up. She is all that I've ever wanted in a wife, and I meant to marry for life. She has been my life, my warmth, my comfort, my backbone, inspiration, my leaning post, and my home. I am lost without her. I know that I will love her forever, no matter what happens, and I will never want anyone else. I don't know what to do or where to go, because that letter is all I've gotten, and it stopped short of telling me point-blank to stop writing letters, but that's what it means.
