Ken's situation - Live-in WAW

[steady]

My situation is so similar to so many people on this board. It surprising and saddening to see so many people caught in the same mess.

I've been married for six years and basically got caught up in not paying attention to the relationship as much as should have -typical DAM syndrome.

We started MC back in January and my wife started having severe panick attacks. We eventually stopped going for a number of reasons. Then in the beginning of April we had a blowout and she tried to kick me out of the house. I ended up on the couch for a few days then back into the bedroom. This was quite an awakening for me to see what I had done/didn't do and the mess it created. Although I know we both had issues that created the mess we were in, the focus was completely on my part in it.

I found out about DB back then and picked up the book. Of course, it was after I made the typical mistakes of chasing, cards, I Love You's, the crying, begging etc... you all know the drill.

A few times I left and stayed at my brother's house. Usually after one of R talks that got out of hand. I realize me leaving sent an opposite message than what I was trying to give. Leaving sent the message that I would run when things got hard.

I love my wife. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. The roller coaster of emotions have been very hard on me. I really don't have anyone to talk to about it on a regular basis.

I've been diagnosed as Bipolar with anxiety and depression issues. I'm currently on Abilify (for bipolar) and Lexapro (for anxiety and depression). These other mental health issues seem to make it even harder for me to come to terms with what's been going on with me and my wife.

We have two kids, D2 and S5 and we are living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. We are going to marriage counseling and she's starting IC next week. I am currently in IC have just barely begun addressing my own issues relating to this
sitch. Most of my IC has been with a psychiatrist trying to get the meds right.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just broken and how could anyone actually want to be with me under these conditions. I've done some 180's with helping with the kids, taking care of more of the household stuff, trying to find ways to get my wife some rest time because she works so hard.

I got the ILYBNILWY a while back. But she has also expressed to me that she loves me and she wants to try and work through these issues. It may seem obvious by her actions of going to MC and IC and staying in the house that she's wanting to work on the marriage, but I seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. The day she tried to throw me out came out of left field so I find myself wondering if that will happen again.

I feel like we've recently drifted further apart over the past few weeks.

I feel like I'm going through a mourning process. I guess I'm grieving the loss of my relationship. I've also been obsessing with thoughts, taking no action on those thoughts and trying to be upbeat and positive around her.

It's hard keeping the rest of my life together and it seems like the crap with my relationship sitch is affecting the rest of my life. I'm not sure if that's normal or if I'm having an emotional over-reaction to what's going on in my relationship.

Recently she saw me reading His Needs/Her Needs and she asked me if I thought she was having an affair. I said absolutely not. It's just a book for me to improve myself. She then said whatever you try will fail because I'm not ready to connect to you. She said I love you and I don't want you to feel like you're failing if you're trying things to connect to me and you see they aren't working.

Anyway, I apologize if the post seems disjointed. I just wanted to introduce myself and get some support here. I've been lurking for a few weeks and decided it's time to jump in. It seems like such a great community with so many people giving great support and advice to each other. Thanks for listening.

Ken