Well they locked my last thread, so here we are. I'm not sure what H is going to do and the reality is, there is nothing I can do about it either. Our LS has already shown up on the Superior Ct. website here and I mentioned it to H this morning, his reply was..."now I'm free to move in with her." To which I replied, "Do what you have to do as will I." He wanted to know what that meant and I reminded him that if that is the case, I'm done. Its just that simple. He then backs off and says that he has no plans to get a place and if he says hes not going to live with her it'll be a lie and if he says he is going to, it'll be a lie. I had to bite my tongue almost completely off to keep from saying..."isn't everything you say a lie?" but I didn't!
His idea of doing a paternity test is getting one of those kits and swabbing the inside of this baby's mouth behind her back...WTF? So much for hes a man and in control of his R. He is so damn delusional, its getting to be kind of funny. If it weren't so damn sad, it would be funny, I guess.
I tend to agree with what everyone who posted on my last thread said. I think he is hedging his bets and a lot of what he does will depend on if this baby is his or not. I think most of this is due to his addiction and she feeds it and makes it ok for him to be sick...I won't. I still think its all going to get really ugly before its all said and done, but ultimately its just not my problem.
I can try and anyalyze this from now til' the cows come home and I'll never get it. Its his journey and he needs to take it his way. I have some things to work on myself and I just can't worry on this anymore. Making myself crazy about it only affects me. When and if he ever faces his addiction then things might change, until then, they will remain what they are now. C'est la vie. I can honestly say though, that it truly offends me that he doesn't think that leaving his kids (that he knows are his) to go and be with someone else and raise a kid that may not be his and a child that is definately not his, is bad. Though if I was inviting some man to come and raise them, I would be the anti-christ.
Thanks to all of you for posting your thoughts, it does me good to have people that aren't quite so close to the situation read it for me as I tend to get bogged down in the details. I talked to MIL last night and she thinks that it may come down to them moving in together, but she did say that they don't spend nearly the time together that they used to. WHATEVER!!!!
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
His idea of doing a paternity test is getting one of those kits and swabbing the inside of this baby's mouth behind her back...WTF? So much for hes a man and in control of his R. He is so damn delusional, its getting to be kind of funny. If it weren't so damn sad, it would be funny, I guess.
I am having a hard time coming up with the words to describe my thoughts on his plan to determine paternity. He really does need that helmet, Corey.
You sound strong today. You're amazing.
(((((((((Corey))))))))
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I talked to MIL last night and she thinks that it may come down to them moving in together, but she did say that they don't spend nearly the time together that they used to. WHATEVER!!!!
Yeah, I've been thinking my H is messed up and confused, but I think yours wins the prize on that one! Yeah, they may move in together, but I can predict with 100% accuracy that they will crash and burn in no time! That would be like a train wreck in slo-mo maybe not even slo-mo! I guess just try to stay out of the way...I am so sorry your H seems so thick in the fog or whatever it is that happens to them!!!! Karen
I am so sorry your H seems so thick in the fog or whatever it is that happens to them!!!! Karen
Maybe his helmet is too tight? Who knows, but he is just determined to make an already horrible situation much worse!!! I think they will crash and burn too, but the question is how bad will it get before it comes to that? I shudder to think about it.
I'm actually doing pretty well, all things considered. I have reconciled myself to this and I'm just going to go on with my life. We went to the batting cages last night and H was just being an a$$ to EVERYONE. He was mad at his mom because she took the kids to the movies and then out for dinner and ice cream after and didn't consult with him...she consulted with me. He wanted to take DS to the cage after the movie and was irritated with MIL because she had other plans. He yelled at MIL and then accused her of being the one that was irritable. MIL met H at the cage and I met them there too so I could get the kids and H was just an a$$ to me too! We were out in the open and there were a bunch of people around and he said..."You see that?" Ummmm, could you be a little more specific? Was it our S? Was it a UFO? Could you narrow "that" down a little more? When I didn't immediately answer yes, He tells me, with gritted teeth, that I am so damn irritating and that he is just so sick of this...OK. So all I replied was, maybe its you. Maybe you are the one that is irritable and are taking it out on everyone else...jerk. A few minutes later he comes over and tells me, "I would have thought that as his mother you would recognize that its a team our SON has played." So my reply was, "I did, I just don't care."
So the rest of the time there, I just treated him like he treated me, not taking any of his nonsense. He doesn't like it. OH WELL!!!
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
H makes me SO damn mad!!!!! After he acted like a total a$$ last night, then he was almost tolerable this morning and now...back to SuperA$$!!!!
I went to lunch with a friend of mine to catch up today and I just left my cell on silent. My lunch is between 1pm and 2pm and I left a little late and got back a little late, anyway. I noticed I had missed calls from H (3) so I called him back and I get, "Oh, you finally decided to call me back huh?" I told him that I left late, got back late etc... So he goes who were you with and I told him, so then he asks, "Did you get some at lunch?" WTF? I calmly told him the same thing and he says, "Whatever, I'm going!" EYE-ROLL, BYE!!!! So then the texts start. Your a F'ing tool! You did not leave your phone at work, your lieing(sp) - hooked on phonics didn't work for him! I replied that I never said I left it at work, it was on silent. H's reply: F U don't ever fing ignore me Mine: I left late and called when I got back. Whats your real problem? H's: Bull$hit I'm not f'ing dumb Mine: Whats the real problem? H's: F U ignore me again Mine: Whats the real problem? H's: same as before this went on for a few more rounds then I get H: F U Me: At least that was a somewhat different response. I wasn't ignoring you & I don't want to fight with you.
I have heard nothing else since. I feel like I should have probably told him that since he doesn't want to be my husband that I really don't owe him an explanation of my whereabouts. Anyone have any idea what may have crawled up his butt?
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
You may have seen me pop up here & there & if it's not OK for me to post thoughts here, you just let me know and I will disappear back into the woodwork
First, I wanted to offer you huge hugs & all my support. I've been following your sitch and think you are a lady of immense patience and endless class- even though your hubby surely does not deserve it.
That being said, he does NOT get to talk to you like that. No amount of DB'ing in the world is going to help if he thinks he is allowed to speak to you like that. The whole Jekyll & Hyde back & forth attitude swings- frankly, he scares me. Could he possibly be bipolar? I know you have dealt with more than anyone should have to deal with, you have given him respect when he has taken the respect away from you. I commend you for your efforts. Just remember that you are in control, here.
Clearly he is trying to decide which "way" he is going to go based on paternity of the baby (or troll/alien/spawn of satan) .....his cowardly idea of swabbing the baby is not only stupid and immature, it's not accurate or binding in court. Insist upon a dr-ordered legitimate paternity test.
Sugar, your last post w/the text conversation took my breath away. You are still his wife, the mother of his LEGITIMATE children. No matter how bad you want this marriage, who is he to speak to you like that? He doesn't get to question you, he is the conniving, cheating, lying spouse here. You are the one struggling to keep the marriage together, despite the fact that he isn't even CLOSE to deserving a woman like you. I admire you standing strong for your marriage. Just remember to stand even stronger for YOU & your kids. They are watching...your son learning what is 'accepted' in terms of treating women, your daughter is learning how a man should treat her. Be mindful of this, it is crucial you keep that in the back of your head...
I often wonder when I try to pipe in (LOL) if people think I have no business, technically I'm a DB 'failure'. So I want to share a little of my sitch....
I chose me, not the marriage- because the 'marriage' simply couldn't be saved. 10 yrs I tried, the addiction & verbal/emotional abuse in my sitch was far too gone to recover & I had to put my kids first. When my 7 yr old told me to just "keep telling daddy you're sorry & it'll be OK"...I knew I had let it get too far. She started getting physically sick to where I'd have to go get her from school because of the awful things he said...I had to take a stand & it was the single most terrifying experience of my life, yet also the most empowering. I filed, ended up losing my house, uprooted my kids to my hometown near my family.
You know what? That was last October & I couldn't be happier now. I am GREAT friends w/my now ex. He's done therapy, 12 step programs. He's realized how horrible he treated me & thanked me for taking a stand. In his own words "He had to lose everything to realize he had to change". He respected me for not allowing him to speak to me w/his awful hate-filled words. I had been overweight all my life & after our youngest was born, lost 115 pds. Still, in the throes of an argument, I was a 'fat piece of sh*t"...he never realized how deep his words cut..he figured it was far better than 'hitting' me in the physical sense...he was horrified for me to explain how it was so much worse.
I don't want people to think I'm anti-DB or pro-divorce...goodnesss knows each sitch is unique...I just want to encourage you to take a stand for yourself. When he texts you things like that, you reply ' you don't get to question me. I am not cheating & having an affair. Do not continue to disrespect me with your foul, hateful words." and shut the phone off. He is a total cake eater...he doesn't get to cheat w/her (and knock her up, for goodness sake!) and then question YOUR fidelity & whereabouts? (as my daughter would say, 'oh no he didn't!" LOL ) Taking a stand for you & demanding the respect you deserve does not mean you are not still fighting for your marriage. He may be one of those that has to lose everything before he can start crawling his way back to life. Only time will tell. I have an excellent relationship w/my ex now, and my kids are incredibly well-adjusted...there is no negative talk about my ex (EVER) where the kids could hear & I do not put them in the middle of our adult matters. Because of that, they have thrived. Kids are stronger & more resilient than we give them credit for. They are also quite intuitive. Showing them it's OK to stand for you is a lesson that will serve them well.
Im sorry for hijacking your thread...I've been sitting on these thoughts since your last post...his words & treatment of you infuriated me (for you, if that makes sense)....I guess I just wanted to let you know, regardless of the route you take, I respect & admire your strength & think you are one classy lady. Your H would be lucky to have him, should that be YOUR choice. Good luck, my friend
First, Lovely Sugar, Happy Birthday! I hope you have a wonderful time at the game and with your friend. I hope your H can at least be kind, respectful and less manic today.
Second, I agree with so much of what kerry wrote above. It's admirable for you to stand strong for your marriage, but the way he talks to you must end. I don't know what the solution is. Going dark is difficult because of the children. I guess you could simply not respond to him at all, unless it's about the kids.
Thinking of you and wishing you happiness.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I agree with Kerry too. You have apsolutely no reason to accept him talking to you like that. Actually I am not sure there is even a reason that could make anyone accept this kind of behaviour. Your H has f@cked up big time. You shouldn't "lower yourself to be reachable to him". He needs to step up at some point. If he can. Stay strong K
