So last night, I messed up, but I think I saved it. I got busy working on the house (and the internet, honestly) and didn't go to bed. Later, my wife came down to use the bathroom and walked by in her little blue robe with a little red teddy underneath. That's always been her main way of signaling that it's OK to make love--she goes to bed wearing something sexy. The problem with that method is that if I'm not in the room, I can't actually tell what she's wearing. Anyway, I hopped into the shower and went upstairs to find her asleep. I snuggled up and went to sleep, and when she woke up later on, we made love--and it was great. I wanted to ask her a million questions afterward, but I didn't. We snuggled in and cuddled until we fell asleep.
I'm still dominating everything in bed, and she still seems to love it. The one thing I still wondered about was fellatio. I've gotten more oral sex, more enthusiastically, in the last three weeks than I'd gotten in five years previously. I had decided, back then, that it was just something she didn't enjoy doing and wasn't willing to do for me. (Because she didn't love me enough, or wasn't attracted enough, or whatever self-pitying reason I had that day.)
When I made the choice to take the lead and be in charge, I decided to bring the topic up again. It just about killed me to do it, but I didn't ask--I told her to do it, and it was clear it wasn't a request. It was an order. She responded, and it was better than I'd dared hope. She was enthusiastic, she really seemed to be enjoying herself, and she drove me wild. Since then we've done it twice more, more or less the same way--I tell her to do it, she does it with alarming alacrity, and a good time is had by all.
Only this morning I asked her whether she was starting to enjoy fellatio. I honestly thought she had discovered that when she was pushed, she enjoyed the act that had been no fun when I was asking (or just hoping, as I often have in our marriage) "nicely." Nope.
She told me she really doesn't enjoy it, and she's not sure why. She said she likes the fact that I enjoy it and it makes me happy. Now, the question, I admit, could be seen as manipulative--there was clearly an answer I was hoping to get. I hoped she would say "Yeah, I do kinda like it now."
But I really felt good about her honesty. She told me the truth. She didn't act like she was afraid of me or I was some beast she had to lie to and placate. And from reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy," I realize I have a real problem accepting a gift from anyone. I don't always feel like I deserve a gift. There was some talk about this--lovers giving each other gifts by doing things one enjoys more than the other--but I wasn't really in a position to understand what she was really talking about. It's not the giving of gifts that's hard for me, it's accepting a gift graciously.
So I thanked her for telling me the truth, and I thanked her for making me so happy. We cuddled for awhile longer, and it was really, really good.
Now I've got to go get some work done before I laze the day away.
