WAW#10 Feather Ruffle

[hoosiermama]

I'm sorry you read my post as mean-spirited and angry. I am neither. Nor am I projecting or attempting to cause harm. Quite the opposite; I was hoping to break through some of your denial--foolish, I know. You're not ready yet.

Whenever one is in a crisis, those demons you "buried" come back. You have to keep wrestling with them. It gets easier if you do it with your whole heart. We all have demons, Phil. There's no "rising above that level" because not one of us is better than another, and usually those who believe they are are the ones who have ceased to grow.

You don't need much assistance at "building yourself up," Phil. You can do that quite well on your own. Many of us are offering you a different kind of support, and someday you might be ready to understand that.

Our home is often a metaphor for ourselves--adding on, renovating, cleaning, fixing, repairing. Is that true for you? "You are never done with home improvements...."

You have begun looking inward. This is true. And it's appropriate to pat yourself on the back for that. It isn't easy, it isn't pretty. But you've got to keep going deeper. If you don't, all that you have done so far is wasted effort, and worse--you will think you're done when you've just begun, and it didn't "work" and you turn your back on any further introspection.

I don't know--are you pointing fingers or are you venting? You're the only one who really knows. To most of us, it very much appears to be pointing fingers. Prove us wrong and tell us how you've contributed to the problems you're having.

Mornings are rough. Mornings generally suck. Even without the dreams. Mornings are when you wake up and realize yet again what your life is like, what pain you're going through. It's just another day to hurt. I understand. I have a suggestion; talk with your priest about how to pray Morning Prayer from the breviary. It's the Church's prayer; the entire Church is praying with you, and there's some real peace in that. There's also some real peace in making that part of your routine, doing repetitive and meditative prayer, praying with the Psalms. The happy ones, and the ones that pray "Smite my enemies, let the dogs tear them apart, and by the way why have you abandoned me O Lord?" When you don't have the words to express just how awful it is, the Psalms can help. Truly, I suggest obtaining a breviary and learning how to use it, maybe just for morning or evening prayer. Your priest can show you how because the sequence can be a little confusing; even doing it "incorrectly" is perfectly fine but you seem like a guy who likes to cross his T's and dot his I's. It's not difficult; it's very Catholic; it will help you feel part of something larger.

Counseling--absolutely I'm doing it. Off and on much of my life. I have a lot to learn, a lot of brokenness to overcome and I'm trying really hard to understand how not to make the same mistakes I've made in the past. I don't know where I'd be without it. I believe that real strength lies in knowing when you can't stand up without someone to lean on, and finding that someone to prop yourself up until you can stand alone again. We're all there at some point.

So I ask you again--is what you're doing working for you, getting you what you want? You can rail against your life, or you can adjust and find a different way that just might work better. Usually that kind of thing includes moments that don't feel good, just when you're already feeling lousy. But when that's happening, God's dropping a little gift in your lap; if you pick it up and unwrap it, it's exactly what you needed. God will not be outdone in generosity.