Separated 3 Months & Counting...

[pisces9]

i like your name then- i agree- losing the old you and creating and finding the new you! you are doing great

[TwinDad]

Lost,

I just finished reading through your threads. I would encourage you to do the same and look at what has worked and what hasn't. When you first started you were still going on dates (with mixed results) but having fun none the less. Now things seem to be a bit more turmultous, though I think it is great that you recognize that.

What I didn't see in any of the threads is what has got you here, it is eluded to a little bit. But what can you work on for yourself that will make a difference. What is your H unhappy about. He mentioned that you were gone for a month prior to the sep for business and he didn't miss you....why?

What changes can you make in yourself? This is where you are going to make the biggest differnce. What does he not like about the R?

Your H said he was worried about you while he was gone and thta he is very troubled. Show him love and compassion. Stop the snooping or at the very least don't use it....it will only hurt you and you are in no position to use it as leverage. Be his unconditional friend.....show love

You are doing a great job at GAL, but what about your changes? GAL and 180s are great, but if we don't know what he is upset about then it is hard to say what will help.

I think your H still has feeling fro you and there is something to rebuild on.

[iamlost]

Hi TwinDad,

Thanks for taking the time to do that. You may have missed one post in my first thread where I came clean about the major issue in my marriage:

Post #1464493

My husband wasn't honest with me about it when we were first dating, he made it seem like it was an only occasional problem, a non-issue. It wasn't until after I fell in love with him and knew I wanted to marry him that I realized the truth, and at that point I felt like he had kind of trapped me. But I loved him, wanted to marry him, and thought we could fix it. (Dangerous words).

I realized at that point that the problem was solvable cause I did a lot of research on it. Unfortunately, my H was never willing to do the, admittedly, difficult work it required to solve it. He just wanted to be able to go to a doctor, and get a magic pill that would cure him. No such pill exists, but he tried to find it. He was in denial, wanted to continue to see it as a non-issue. We would have flare ups of me being angry, talking about ending the relationship if we couldn't at least work on this thing, and then things would go back to normal. His issue was extremely painful for both of us, as I explained in the post I linked to.

But it really came to a head last year when we wanted to start trying to have children. I had been disappointed before at times, but it became almost chronic disappointment and pain then.

I did so many things wrong. I couldn't accept him, I made my love conditional, all based on the frustration of wanting the issue to be solved or at least worked on, wanting to stop feeling so hurt over it, wanting to have children.

The bomb came after a few months of us feeling extremely distant, especially him towards me. He had just started going to a new doctor who helped him a little bit with a detox program for body toxins (the detox could have added to this whole thing, too. I guess it can change your personality).

Just going to a new doctor had a temporary Dumbo's feather effect, he was happy and then terrified that I would get pregnant while he was feeling this way towards me and our marriage. As he struggled to understand why he was feeling like he did, he finally attributed how he felt to hurtful things that I had said to him over this issue 4 years ago. He came home crying, and told me he was leaving. That he was angry and indifferent to our marriage. He said terrible things like, our marriage was a mistake, that he always knew that deep down, that neither of us understood the first thing about love and committment. I asked him if he still loved me, and he said, "Can you love someone and resent them completely at the same time? Then I guess I still love you."

Since then, I've apologized in many ways for the hurtful things I said, and told him that I will accept him even if the problem never changes, that I love him unconditionally, but he doesn't believe me, thinks I'll be better off without him, that he ruined our relationship (when he's sad) and when he's angry thinks I am a b+&%# that he hates.

I feel like standing with him, loving him, being his friend, despite everything, is the only way I can show him that I love him unconditionally. I haven't done a very consistent job with that so far, what with the lying and cheating he's done in the last 3 months, and me reacting to it. (He had told me that he wasn't going to see anyone else, that he didn't want this to be about anybody else, that he would be honest with me--that was our agreement, and he broke it with a LDEA and the recent hotel kissing incident.)

But now that we are heading towards legal S or even D, I can hopefully resign myself to complete detachment: no snooping, no being upset if he starts seeing someone else, because we are dissolving our marriage. I have no claim on him anymore.

I think that I can be a good friend to him, and I owe him unconditional love and friendship, and a chance for us both to heal.

[iamlost]

JWS and Pisces, thanks and hugs.

[iamlost]

I should also add that I just made plans to have lunch with my H this weekend. This is the part of the story where I shed my hurt wife routine completely, and become a friend, a good listener, that accepts him completely, loves him unconditionally and without expectations...:)

[JCJ]

Sounds like a good plan Lost. Wishing you the best of luck xx

[pisces9]

"...I should also add that I just made plans to have lunch with my H this weekend. This is the part of the story where I shed my hurt wife routine completely, and become a friend, a good listener, that accepts him completely, loves him unconditionally and without expectations...:).."

you say it best! this is he new start- all the old "stuff" is done and over- good job!
have fun and keep us posted...

[TwinDad]

Iamlost,

I will likely need to get back to you on Monday unless my W stays out abit tonight. I hope your lunch goes well on the weekend....remember PMA, act as if.

I know this is very difficult

Best Wishes

[TwinDad]

Iamlost,

Thank you for sharing that with me. As me and my W had infertility issues I can somewhat relate. In fact it is because of these that I am Twindad and not some other name. In our case, it was issues with my W and she had some major insecurities with this. I can also understand to an extent the insecurities you felt due to your problem with your H. In the handful of times when I have not been able to do my part my W would feel very rejected and take it personnally also the pressure that would placed upon me was pretty immense (to the point where it would enter my mind for the next several love sessions....afterall I want my W to be happy). I can only imagine what this is like on a regular basis for both of you.

Since then, I've apologized in many ways for the hurtful things I said, and told him that I will accept him even if the problem never changes, that I love him unconditionally, but he doesn't believe me, thinks I'll be better off without him, that he ruined our relationship (when he's sad) and when he's angry thinks I am a b+&%# that he hates.

I feel like standing with him, loving him, being his friend, despite everything, is the only way I can show him that I love him unconditionally. I haven't done a very consistent job with that so far

SAVE THIS PART...this is very important to your R. You can talk till you are blue in the face...he needs to see it, actions will show it. So ask yourself, How can you show him that this is not an issue for you? Consistency is the key....backslides are human, but the more consistant you are in your efforts the quicker this happens. He needs to believe and trust that you will love him and not hold this against him. He needs to be shown that your love is not conditional like it has been before.

He says he thinks YOU will be better off without him (heard that one several times). Why do you think that is the case. As twisted as it sounds this is actualy love on his part. He realizes he may not be able to give you the child the two of you want, he is not sure if he can get over the resentment and love you like you should beloved. He is ashamed of his acting out (affairs..etc). My W showed many of the same feelings. When she would say "You would be better off with someone else", I would ljust say, you may feel that way and I understand, but it is my decision to decide if I would be better off with or without you.

IT sounds like having children is very important to the both of you. We dealt with my W's issues for years until she was willing to face them (hence having twins at the ripe old age of 36). I loved her during this time, but there was a part of me that resented having to wait this long in life. THese are very personal issues as you are well aware. I am pretty educated on infertility, have you explored other alternatives that don't affect his mood. I know they can actually remove the sperm and not require intercourse or even ejaculation and then combine it with an egg in an Invitro Fertilization Cycle. THis isn't cheap, but it is a drop in the bucket compared to what you will spend on children the remaining 20+ years until they become independent. Becoming eductated in something like this might be an action you could take that would show your unconditional love and take pressure off him. There are many on-line fertility support groups on-line that can be very helpful with this.

I would give you a link but I don't want to break the rules
(SG....would this be OK?)

"Can you love someone and resent them completely at the same time?

Absolutely, my W did it for many years....sadly, myself as well. Some people have a very hard time letting go of resentment and forgiving. There is a a Mother Teresa quote that goes something like this "In order to love, one must first learn to forgive". The lady knew what she was talking about. Truly learning how to forgive (you and him) is very liberating. This is something worth seeing an IC about.

All in all I don't agree with your H's actions, but it seems pretty clear he is acting out. In a subconscience way, he might even be doing it to get you to be the one to D him (a bizarre act of love because he believes you are better off without him). He seems very depressed.

This isn't going to be easy, but I think the first step is practicing what you preached up above in spite of the possible hurt it might cause you. Of course we all have limits and you have to decide what your are.

As the LBS, the first action and consistency is in your court....his will follow (Sometimes with a delay)

Anyways....I hope this helps a bit. Remember, patience, baby steps, and actions on your part are very important.

Best Wishes!

[iamlost]

Thanks, everybody. Your support helps so much.

He says he thinks YOU will be better off without him (heard that one several times). Why do you think that is the case. As twisted as it sounds this is actualy love on his part.

I guess it is love, but also self-loathing on his part. He has said several things like that in the last few months since the "I'm leaving" bomb: "At least I won't drag you down with me," "I feel relieved because at least now my problems are my own," etc. Every time he is sad vs. angry he says something along those lines.

He really does feel that he is saving me from himself, and saving himself from my continued disappointment. He knows I want a baby, as well as the whole sexual package, and he feels like he cannot provide those things. He feels like a failure, and that grew into resentment of me for "making him" feel like a failure, even though I was the one who never gave up on things being better, on trying.

All in all I don't agree with your H's actions, but it seems pretty clear he is acting out. In a subconscience way, he might even be doing it to get you to be the one to D him (a bizarre act of love because he believes you are better off without him). He seems very depressed.

I definitely agree that he is depressed. He also may be in early onset MLC, because the bomb came only a month and a half before his 30th birthday--I don't think that's insignificant.