Barbie, what would you have done better with the co-parenting? Getting ready to be D as well and any advice is always helpful. (Sorry happy to hijack here).
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
HI BH: I doubt Happy would mind the hijack - I can be accused of it myself.
I guess I should have accepted the inevitable sooner, that the D was going to happy despite my best efforts (Not what DB teaches us) and determine to always do what was best for the kids and maintain peace with the ex. This was certainly NOT easy to do. He was hostile, hurtful and NEVER did what was in the kids' best interest. 7 years later he has never had them for dinner, overnight or taken them on a vacation - that is because they refuse to meet or accept OW. That would be his loss. BUT...
The one thing I did that I KNOW was wrong was to badmouth him to the kids. It certainly wasn't necessary. They were old enough to know what was going on. They did their share of badmouthing him too. In the beginning I tried really hard with my youngest, not to let her know about the affair etc. But my older son knew it all. He had found them together. But when daughter found out, she was mad at me for not telling her. I don't think that was a mistake at all. I tried to preserve her R with him.
But no matter what my dad did (and I have no worries - my own is the greatest), it must hurt terribly to hear bad things about your parent. I know I tried to extend an olive branch but my hand was bitten every time. I still think one should always TRY to keep peace with the other parent the best they can.
Not sure if this helps. Mine was a particularly difficult ex partner. But I still think it might have gone less nasty.
Thanks Barb, I appreciate the advice. My S8 found out that H had OW by ease dropping on a phone conversation. I am much more careful now. I try not to bad mouth STBXH, but S knows that I do nt want the D, its his father that is walking away from the family. S is taking this pretty hard but seems to be getting better with each week tht goes by.
If only the WAS could actually see the pain they put their kids through, then they would have tried to make R work. Unfortunately they are too caught up in finding their own happiness externally instead of fixing their broken selves. I'm detaching and GAL so I can be the best mom for my S during this mess.
Thanks again.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
So glad you stopped by to take over my thread while I was working. I think you're right. For every bad moment in our lives there's always something we can look back at and wish we could change. Only because we know now how it turned out. I wish I hadn't been so darned devastated. Other things too, but you can never go back.
BH, listen, these guys all say the same thing. "The kids will be fine." Thing is, they're never quite the same. Their innocence is gone. Now this is where we come in. We have to decide what our priorities are when something like a D happens to our family. Who is most important to us? Who do we want to protect? It has to be them-the kids. Because for the most part our X's are in la-la land worried only about their own happiness.
FL,
To tell you the truth, my name here is because of my X. His last words to me before moving out were "I need to be happy". Once I picked myself up, I decided that I did too. So, I named myself Happy Tomorrow here on these boards. I surely knew I wasn't yet. Once the D happened, I renamed myself.
I think I forced myself into being happy. I decided that 1) the boys needed me to be, and 2) so did I. Happiness is a state of mind. I willed it to myself and gave mtyself the greatest gift.
My X still hasn't found that happy place he left his family for. I know that for a fact after our convo the other day. He thinks happiness is having lots of money. If I didn't know what a jerk he is, I'd probably feel sorry for him.
Your W seens to be very similar. She's looking for that magic potion, magic person, magic something that will bring her what she's craving. She's down on everyone because they didn't give her that. To me, the magic something is having healthy, happy, well adjusted children and being the same myself.
Yeah, what is it with them and the "I deserve to be happy" Bullsh&t? WE ALL DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, but as a close friend of mine in Iraq said "That's an individual Soldier task"! You can't expect someone to make you happy! His wife walked out on him and three girls, which he single handedly raised. He would get up at 3AM when we were in Iraq; 6 hours before his 14 hour day, to do homework with them over the internet. When he was a Reservist, before we were mobilized, he would drive 3 hours to his drill, and return at nigt to be with his wife and kids. Sounds like a guy you want to walk out on, right? Thank goodness God smiled on me and made this guy my roomate and good friend! Things sometimes do happen for a reason. He made me see my W. for who she is. It was hard as hell being in Iraq, and dealing with her snarky personality. Yes. She did have it tough. D17 was at a school for troubled kids that I put her in before I left, because she was a mess. D16 has bulimia and needs treatment, so it was not picnic for her, but what's a divorce going to do to these "resilient" kids? What ARE these people looking for? The family, the commitment, IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE! It doesn't get any better than reading to my son every night, watching him brush his teeth and get into bed, but that will soon be taken away from us, or altered to some unrecognizable form.
My W. actually said to me on the day she suggetsed we get a divorce (July 25, 2005) "Don't you want to find somebody that knocks your socks off?" WHAT? Grow up Cinderella!!!! What about the 3 kids and the house?
FLTC: My ex said to me "you deserve someone who truly loves you"> WHAT? just 2 weeks earlier I had received a card saying how much he loved me and the past 25 years were wonderful, he couldn't wait for the next 25. 6 months earlier he had wanted to renew our vows. Now he was leaving with someone else and told me flat out he could not stand to be with me.
Amazing how someone new can knock their socks off so fast! and nothing else matters.
Two years before MY bomb, my now X bought me a giant diamond and took me to Cancun for our anniversary.
I don't know when he met the bombo, but she gave him something I did not. And I do take responsibility for not being what he needed. But he never told me what that was.
I think they don't know so they don't tell us. So we don't know either and it hit's us like a brick. But I honestly think they were never really happy with us or it wouldn't have taken something so inconsequential to blow up their families.
I think it has nothing at all to do with us. We just didn't know.
Wow, and the similarities just keep coming. I swear the WAS have some kind of rule book the keep hidden away....I love you but am not in love with you, check. I just need to find myself/find my happiness, check. I'm going to run into the arms of OP to make me feel better, check. Oh, and lets not forget all the crazy spew that we get about how horrible we were!
Even though I do not want a D, I am slowly seeing that I definately do not want a M with this crazy person who took over my H.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
but she gave him something I did not. And I do take responsibility for not being what he needed. But he never told me what that was.
Hon, listen, she was no better than you, what was lacking was inside of him, that was the reason he broke his M vows and went with ow. If there were things that you could've improve as a W that was NO reason for him to do what he did, there is no excuse for an A. I can see that for most WAH the problem was that they ate their unhappiness and didn't let us know what was wrong, we are not mind readers damn it, so don't you blame yourself because he acted in a cowardly way and seeked a distraction to his internal emptiness. If there is something she gave him that you didnt' have then it was a fantasy, carefree la la land life which evaporates once people have to deal with real life.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I totally disagree with you taking responsibility for not giving your husband "what he needed". You, like me, am not a mindreader. What is frustrating is that when they do tell you ,as mine did in counseling, and you start to follow their wishes to the letter, they come back with "Please stop doing that. I know what you're trying to do and I find it annoying". Now what? Game, set, match..... Don't beat youself up over that!
