WAW#10 Feather Ruffle

[hoosiermama]

Phil--

Until you stop focusing on everything else and begin to focus on yourself, you will not begin to have peace, to heal, to move forward no matter what. You write ad nauseum about what your wife is doing, especially what she is doing to YOU; you point fingers at her and her family and her friends. It's rare to encounter someone with as little capacity for self-reflection as you, Phil, and the sad thing is you'll get nowhere until you learn this. You refuse counseling--which would be a tremendous help--because "you're not the one with the problem." Yeah, we've never heard that line before. You flatly deny any influence on who you are by your family of origin and childhood; you would be the first person in the history of mankind NOT to be formed by their childhood. You consistently tell those with vastly more experience who are trying to help you--on these boards or among your friends--that they are wrong and you are right.

So how's all that working for you, Phil? Are you closer to peace? Any closer to healing your marriage? Any closer to preventing further damage to your precious children from this situation? Any closer to what you want? You keep talking about being strong. Being strong is having the courage to look within and begin to heal yourself, not behaving in a way that tries to control everyone else. When you go to confession--if you do--do you blame your actions on everyone else? Look at yourself, look within; not a quick glance, but a long and patient learning about who you are and who you have been and who you want to be. Don't tell me you've done that or you don't need to do that; all of us going through this must look within. It's the only thing we can really control; everything else is an illusion. Stop focusing everywhere else and get to know Phil. You're kind, lovable, generous, a great guy? Maybe; we all have a shadow side, parts of ourselves we don't like. What are those parts for you, Phil? You've got to recognize those, learn to love them too, admit they're part of you; only then can you begin to put them in perspective and heal and begin to be the man God means for you to be.

Go ahead and say something nasty to me, something disrespectful; or just ignore me. Doesn't much matter to me; doing that says much more about you than about me. Or--here's an idea: think about what I've said, what others have said that you don't like, and see if you're pushing away because there's some truth within that makes you uncomfortable. That's the truth that you most need to hear, and that's why it feels uncomfortable.