Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[Abbey]

Michelle... do you still waiver as to whether you'd go back or not?

I know I do. One minute, I couldn't care less if he and I ever see each other again. And other times, I miss him still so badly that my body hurts. The thing is, the lies, the deception is the thing that has put me in a place where I'm just simply disgusted beyond repair. (Or shall I say it's how I feel right now.)

I mean, does a MLC and/or such confusion over what is our very screwed up sitch (the lies he was helped to believe about me etc)... as well as his "issues"... ever really excuse the ultimate choices he's made and things he's done, and how much he's hurt me.

I mean the person *I* am, I won't change, and I DO understand where those issues he's dealing with can lead someone to that. But... on the other hand,... how do or would I ever, ever... ever begin to reconcile it all enough to forgive? I dunno.

I guess I"m not holding out hope that he'd ever *understand* what he'd done to me, let alone be sympathetic and apologetic enough to warrant my willingness to try and get past it all. And yet a small part of my heart (the part I've now protected and where I still love him)... wants to.

I said to my T,... it'll take a lightning bolt and miracle from God, himself to fix this mess. Those are really my odds. Never mind that he's engaged in a relationship that's statistically doomed. Mega-statistically so, actually. It comes down for me to... what he'd be prepared to do to fix this, and help fix the hurt he's caused. As of now, (and I admit, my memories of him being a kind sweet and loving man are dim at present)... I can't see him capable of it. He'd have to come to a very deep understanding of himself AND his part of the break down of the marriage.

Mount Everest, if you know what I mean.

It seems so very strange to love someone so much (in protected mode version)and yet work and try and be so determined to try not to think of him AT ALL.

Abbey