from IMP: The work of DBing

[sgctxok]

........ people think they are DBing when all they are doing is standing no matter what. Now this isn't to say that standing for you marriage is a bad thing. The problem is that it becomes the be all and end all. As you said:

refusing to do the hard work on themselves, refusing to acknowledge that maybe they are a seperate entity from their marriage

And that really isn't DBing because DBing goes beyond the marriage. All you have to do is look at the table of contents to DB.

Chapter 4 - Change your marriage by changing yourself
Chapter 5 - identify patterns that work
Chapter 6 - breaking the habit - interrupting destructive patterns
Chapter 7 - make yourself happy for a change

Obviously, there is a lot of work to do. And chapter 7 always told me not to get lost in my endeavors to save my marriage. And the earlier chapter made me examine my role in the marital difficulties. I don't see one chapter that says wait for your spouse and do nothing. I would add don;t delude yourself into thinking you are doing something either. It is easy to do. I did it. Most of the people I know from here did it at one point. But you do have to try things and keep trying. It isn't as if the right thing is just going to happen.

One of the worst thing that happened to this board, in my opinion and the people with whom I started on this board, is the posting of the stages of MLC. What this did was totally change the focus from one's self to paying attention to every single move the WA/MLC spouse did. And a big problem with MLC is that so many of the symptoms can merely apply to someone who wants to change their life.

I always thought DB was merely a self-help book which was geared towards the nuances of a marriage in trouble (and I have used the principles in other relationships - mainly work). I know when I would come and say what my former Mrs was doing, invariably my fellow DBers would say something along the lines of you can't control someone else. This was followed by what are your goals, and they didn't mean getting my wife to hug me because she did that even after she divorced me. It was about becoming a better person and to paraphrase you, you can't become better when you have lost yourself.

there is a difference between strength and fear

Absolutely. When a bomb is dropped your world has fallen apart. You are not strong and you fear the unknown. What was a nice little cocoon has now been shattered and the butterfly is dead. And it is understandable. But the thing is at a certain point you do have to see what work you need.

When you try to change, it is not easy. I have no problem that I still have things to change about myself from before I ever thought about the bomb. As one of my Cs said - you have been a certain way for a long time, it will take a long time to change. And a funny thing happens too. Some of the things you thought you should change are really parts of yourself that you like. Admittedly, finding out that your spouse is schtupping someone else has that effect on a person.

IMP

This is an amazing post and worth its own thread.