Left the Rollercoaster - Now what???

[No Longer BH]

After stepping away from posting in infedelity for a couplpe of weeks, I now find myself here. A short recap of my sitch:

WAH started to pull away from me after trying to deal with a bad sitch with a close family member. He started to spiral into a depression and blamed me for it. GOt the ILYNILWY in Aug 07 and started to think there might be an A happening. In Dec found some evidence but H said that she was only a friend and that it could have gone to an A, but had not gotten that far yet. He begged to work on R. Lasted all of three weeks and then H spiraled into horrible depression. By March said he had to move out to find himself and get happy again to come back to family. By May, OW was confirmed.

I moved away to live with family 2 hours from H as soon as I found out. Was no longer going to let him cake eat. After a few "my heart is still open to working on us in the future but I need to work on me right now" comments, I started to think all he needed was time. Turns out he's just passive aggressive. June 30th H said he was still having sex with OW because she was a good time and great at sex. Had no intention of stopping it and felt no remorse for doing it. H scheduled a mediation appointment to get us LS. I had finally had enough and decided that if he wanted it to be over, then there was no half way doing it, so I filed for D 7/2/08.

Here is the crazy part. As soon as it was filed, I emailed a good bye letter to H, just saying that I did not respect his choices and therefore could no longer be a part of his life. I would only communicate to him through email about S issues and that he would be getting served in 1-2 weeks. STBXH responded by pulling the money out of my account, taking the tax stimulas check and spending it ALL on him and OW in less than a week, canceling his direct deposit and threatening me with a temporary custody hearing becasue I "stole" S away. Turns out he did not even have a lawyer. I threatend legal action if funds were not returned and we final worked on an agreement with the money.

So, here I am, getting ready for my first mediation appointment next week and trying to detach so that I can move on. I have been doing NC and 180 since Sunday and ever since then STBXH has been emailing me constantly. Most is stuff that he either can figure out on his own or is not important enough for me to respond to. Today, had to meet him to exchange S (its his weekend) and STBX was mad. Wanted to know why I was not responding to emails. Said I have been busy...which is true.

My question is, what is up with this and why is he so mad that I filed? He is the one who wants out, I'm just giving it to him. I just dont get it, but I'm staying in NC anyway.

[whiskey.tango]

My guess? Now it's going to start to cost him money. My X had the same reaction after I gave him plenty of time to get help for his addictions and dump the OW. And for me, the D set him free, so the OW started pressuring him for more. He wasn't ready for that as he thought he was. Oh yeah, and reality hits that he's losing you. That's a pretty big one.

Best of luck.
AO

[Sara]

A lot of this is a power struggle. They want to do what they want to do with no consequences. When you take actions and make things happen, they realize that they are not in the driver's seat. Not what they had in mind. They want to dish it out, not take it.

[No Longer BH]

Thanks AO for the reply. I dont think it a money thing. In fact, STBX has been claiming that he doesnt care about money. Although he spends it like its never going to run out. Every week since we have been seperated he has recieved NSF in his personal spending account.

I am still just amazed that I am here. I have not accecpted that it is over yet. I know I should, but my heart just is not ready to let go. I find myself swinging from pure hatred of this person he has become to feeling so sad at losing the life I had. I do not respect him, heck I dont even like him at this point. My IC has opened my eyes up to how he was treating me in my marriage. So why is it so hard to just let them go??? (I do know the answer to that, just wish it was easier).

He is making it more difficult to detach with all of the emails he keeps sending. Although, I am not expecting any this weekend because he has S for visitation. Most of them are emails that really dont mean anything. Wanted to know why mail had stop coming to the house - how about YOU call and figure it out. Wanted to recheck for a 3rd time the dates on some doc appointments for S that are 3 weeks away - have already told you over and over again. Wanted to discuss S tummy ache - um, hello, he's not in the hospital. It was just a tummy ache and you already talked to S so you know he is fine. Wanted to discuss some bills when Sunday night is the scheduled night to talk about bills that we owe together. I just dont get it!

On top of that he is playing little stupid games as well. I had asked him to return a necklace that I forgot to pack when I left. He gave me the pendant but not the chain. Talk about your passive aggressive behavior. How childish is that! I havent decided if it is even worth it to ask for the chain. He prob gave it to OW.

Can anyone explain why he is acting this way? He is the one who wanted out, not me! I'm just giving him what he wants. Why so much anger???

[Survival_Goddess]

Hi BH,

So so sorry to see you here. It really hurts and is a terrible thing to be going through. You ask:

My question is, what is up with this and why is he so mad that I filed? He is the one who wants out, I'm just giving it to him. I just dont get it, but I'm staying in NC anyway.
_________________________

My answer is that it doesn't really matter WHY he does what he does. You will never really know, anyway. It is probably a reaction to you setting some boundaries and taking control of the situation.

Good for you!

My advice to you is to continue to stay in NC...drop the rope and do whatever you possibly can to bring some joy and interest into your life. You need to focus on YOU. Find something that can keep you legitimately busy, a hobby or time with friends. Get a massage. Exercise. Go for a walk. Rent a sad movie and cry if you need to get it all out.

Also PROTECT YOURSELF!

His antics with the money shows that he is unstable. You need to document everything and make sure you have a lawyer you can work with. If he is using marital assets to fund a party lifestyle you can and should document everything and get some kind of separation agreement in order.

Also, and I hate to say it, but you need to see a doctor and get checked for STD if there was any contact w/ STBXH while he was seeing OW.

This part of the process is the absolute worst, I know. But I promise it will get better and you will get stronger with time. You need to do everything you can to take care of yourself and make sure you are strong for what lies ahead. I really recommend getting a massage, also. It is great for stress and adds the element of human touch to a life that is probably lacking that at this point in time.

Good luck,
SG

[No Longer BH]

Survival, your right, it doesnt matter why. Heck, I dont have any reasons why he has done most of the things he has done for the last year.


Slowly I have been learning to do things that are just for me. I take a 5 mile walk through the woods everyday and try to focus on the now instead of the negative energy that this D is bringing. It helps me to get more grounded and I'm getting great legs to boot!

The NC is definately a must for me. Even when I slip a little, I get dragged back in to looking for a responce from him. I can not allow him to get that much of my energy. It needs to be focused on me. After 19 years of always sharing my life with him, this is absolutely the hardest part, just letting him go and moving on. Thanks again for your responce.

[No Longer BH]

How long does it take for NC to start to give us our sanity back? I am still new to the LR tech, was GAL and being very supportive to him before I filed. It just let him cake eat. Now I am trying to not think about him anymore. That is energy wasted on someone who just doesnt care about me. I want him out of my thoughts but havent achieved it yet. I've got lots of activities planned to keep me busy, but as soon as there is a moment of down time I am itching to check and see if he emailed me. My connection to him is like a drug that I need to quit.

So how long before he starts to fade?

[Survival_Goddess]

Hey BH...

How long does it take? It all depends on your situation...I was thinking about my own history...Was married 21 years when we finally D. I think we had been together 17 or 18 when he moved out. My H had been out of the house about 1.5 years when I wrote this thread. As you can see, he was pursuing me but I was fairly detached at that point.

Did you read DB or DR? Remember the "Stop thought" technique? (I think it was called that...) Imagine a stop sign whenever you find yourself thinking of your husband. With practice you will obsess a lot less.

In the beginning for me I took a swimming class and swam laps every morning. It was great for getting that distructive energy out. Only I would remember about him and his OGIRL and then I would swallow water and flounder in the pool! LOL!

Hang in there. You can do it!

SG

[No Longer BH]

SG, thanks for the support. Yep, have read both books. Its funny, even though I had forgot about the stop thought tech, I have been doing it lately. Every day I go for a 5-6 mile hike in the woods to clear my mind. Whenever STBX or the D enters my mind, I start to laugh and tell myself that I really am obsessing. Usually I can then make it most of the way without anymore thoughts.

I can see that this is just going to take time. I am in a significantly better place today than when D-Day hit. It was all I could do just to breathe for two weeks after hearing of the A. Now I am getting out and making friends and enjoying most of my life. I still cant get past wanting him to R though. This is the hardest to let go of, knowing that the M is over and I have to move on w/o him. After everything he has done to me in the last 2 years, you would think it would be easy to say "Screw Him" but I cant just yet. I imagine, just like everything else I have come to understand, that this too will come when the time is right.

Mediation starts next week and STBX thinks we can have our agreement ironed out in 2-3 sessions. That sounds pretty quick to me. He seems to think that everything will be final by the begining of Oct. It kind of scares me that it really could be that quick. For those of you who have been through the process, does that sound right?

[No Longer BH]

ARGG......I SUCK at NC. So, went to pick my son up at the half way point and STBX wanted to talk to me about money before we left. I have pressured him that he needs to pay S past school bill before Mon for about 3 weeks now. He was suppose to use the federal check but spent it on OW instead...anyway I digress. It then turns angry with both of us using our polite voices clenched. He's mad because I spent 1700 on a lawyer that could have been used for the school. In his opinion I did not think about the consequenses spending that money NOW had on S. I replied back that he should not have spent fed check, that it was our money not his. Conversation then moved to the fact that he is upset with the one sided decisions I keep making. I replied that he is no longer part of my life so he is not my concern when making decisions for ME.

He then wanted to know why I was not going back to work. I told him I couldnt because of medical reason, but my medical issues were private and he was no longer privy to that info. I did then tell him that I would be asking for indefinate support. He got mad at that....."So your just going to try and live off of MY money? How is that moving on?"

I responded that it had nothing to do with moving on, that I was trying to provide the best financial security for S. Didnt he want that as well? I then said, "You get more than 50% to just pay for you while I will get prob less than 50% to pay for me and S. Hows that for fair."

Then, we start talking about how this whole thing has just turned so ugly between us. That we will never be friends. He then looks at me and says, "Just so you know, I am sorry for the A. It truly complicated everything and I wish I had handled things so differently. I know that if that would not have happened, we could have parted as friends, now we cant."

So at least he is now acknowlegding that he did something wrong. This is more than the "I dont regret sleeping with her. She was fun." that I had been getting from him. I prob will not ever get anything more from him, but I least I know he knows he f'ed up. That is some solace.

So, I slipped, but at least I got an apology. Back to the NC tomorrow...not for him but for me.